Find Me
Chapter 167
Steve did not own a parka. Salem wasn’t far from Chicago, it got below zero in the winter, and when it snowed, leather jackets did not cut it, winter coats did. If there was a piece of clothing that Steve had never owned but really should have, it wasn’t fancy clothes, or loafers or a sport coat; it was a parka. And yet, other than his Merchant Marines standard issue peacoat, in all these years in all his states of self-awareness, the walking furnace of a man had forsaken the rational, reasonable purchase of this standard piece of weather-appropriate outerwear and stuck with several different leather jackets over the years. And as a result, the freezing, cold, Midwest, winter wind blowing over the docks should have chilled Steve to the bone as he sat there on one of his favorite benches along the riverfront with Kayla’s diary in his hands. But it didn’t chill him. In fact, he didn’t feel the cold at all. And that’s because Steve was numb.
The worn pages of the otherwise unprotected legal pad sat sheltered from the elements against Steve’s breast inside his zipped-up jacket.
These are precious, so be careful with them …
The sturdier tome that was now nearly filled with Kayla’s beautiful, handwritten words Steve held tightly against himself. He’d promised his wife that he was going to read them, then he promised himself that he’d be a grown up when he did. And he’d nearly fulfilled both of those promises – the first a little more fully than the second. Now every word embedded themselves into Steve’s strained, truly envenerated psyche as he stared across the water. And no matter how matured he’d become, the wisdom he’d found, how mellowed he’d grown, and understanding he now was, Steve Johnson was heartsick. So heartsick with pain for where they were at. What their lives were. What they had to experience. Whom they had to be just to keep on living. The uncertainty of every given moment. He was nearly finished with the diary, with just a handful of entries left. But he was so heartsick with the last one he’d just read that he needed a moment. He couldn’t process it all at once and had to allow his mind to anesthetize itself while the meaning of their lives in Kayla’s words burned indelibly into his soul.
That first volume was hard to read. He hurt so badly for Kayla having to endure prison again, feeling so lost, and being so completely helpless behind bars. Everything they’d done to that point was supposed to lead to the exact opposite of what transpired. He certainly understood what it was to jump into captivity, which was exactly what that was, and for the life of him he didn’t get it. He cursed out loud as he read those prison entries, hating that she had to experience it. And Steve was utterly confused, because he couldn’t believe how long it took for Kayla to get herself out of jail. With all that advanced knowledge, it seemed ludicrous that it took that long. “I don’t get it, baby,” he said to himself, “you drew Roman a goddamn map, what more did he need?” Like his predecessor before him but for different reasons, he re-read several entries in the legal pad trying to understand what the hell happened there. She literally led the man to water, he even drank, and yet it took days and days to get out of that hellhole. Steve did smile with an amusing snicker when he read still Roman.
The smiles extended to the tangible tenderness he read in almost unbearable joy her objective, third-person observations of him as a father. These were early days of the jump, so he felt a connection to this version of himself Kayla described. He recognized himself in the man she wrote about, taking care of their daughter, working tirelessly to get his wife out of jail, and feeling that same guilty desperation when he couldn’t. I think the first thing I need to say is that you are an incredible father. It was not nearly the first time that Kayla had told him that, but this was different. It wasn’t a declaration to him in real time, it was a documentation of her pride in him as Stephanie’s father. You’re her moon and stars. Kayla’s words made Steve truly ache with something that moved him.
The next emotion Steve encountered wasn’t so pleasant. Guilt in how his life choices affected Kayla was an old frenemy he couldn’t shake. A lifelong theme for him. Yesterday Ava, today Marina, then back to Ava inspired by Marina, like a never-ending game of ping pong. What he caused with Jack lurked around every potential new jump. And it absolutely hurt him to read how affected Kayla was by those choices he’d made with Marina.
I realized today that she still upsets me. Not all the time, not even a little bit of the time. But—sometimes. As if on cue, a cold gust blew in over the water as Steve read this entry, the words sending a chill through him that had nothing to do with the wind. Being in prison and experiencing it all over again because of her, and right after what Ava did, it brought it back up to the surface. You say it’s your fault. You say it a lot. I tell you it’s not true. But it is.
Steve made a pitiful noise in his throat as his heart raced.
It’s not like what Ava did to me or what Jack did to me because those were choices they made. But what happened with Marina happened because you weren’t honest with me. We’ll never really be able to fix that.
Painful remorse fell over Steve in an absolute shroud.
So, I’m feeling that. But it doesn’t mean I don’t forgive you or hold this over you. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you more than anything in this world. Because I do. I think I’m so affected by what Ava did to me, and I’m just depressed in general, and I’m having a hard time without you. And now that I’m here experiencing prison and fallout from Marina all over again, I think that’s why it’s bothering me so much. I just have to work through it, and I have to help you work through it, too. Because you’re breaking my heart.
Steve’s body leaned with the weight of the words as his eyesight blurred. “No, Sweetness. You’re breaking mine.” His stillness betrayed the controlled chaos that was his true reaction to Kayla’s outpouring of her soul in these pages. And he hated himself for it.
Before Steve had even begun reading – the moment Kayla had told him her words belonged to him – he’d assumed that her inevitable entry telling him that she’d made love to the other him would be the hardest part. But it wasn’t; this truth bomb about Marina’s impact on Kayla was. Their circumstances might have dredged these dormant feelings to the top, but that means they were buried somewhere in there to begin with. The concept of not being able to fix his royal fuckup was like a siren song for the amplification effect, and it was clouding Steve’s ability to be rational.
We are unshakable, he read.
Were they? Was she sure about that? Was there a line in the sand that either of them might one day find? Was this delayed emergence Kayla’s line in the sand? Would it have come out and broken them up one day if they’d never started jumping? Steve sat stock still as he struggled to control his breathing. Somewhere in that complicated brain of his, he knew he was caught in a dangerous place that wasn’t quite authentic. But most of him was too affected by the kernels that were authentic enough. And right now it felt like the slipstream was starting to collapse under the weight of every single bad decision he’d ever made.
The air around Steve felt different. Like gravity was just a little bit stronger, the air pressure was just a little bit greater, and the color saturation of the early evening darkness was just a little bit off. His labored breathing continued, as did the lump in his throat. How long had he been sitting there? How long had his oxygen levels deprived his brain of its reason? Steve didn’t know. But eventually he felt – functional. Not normal, but perhaps adjusted. Regardless, he was better as slowly, his educated experience began to inform a more cogent train of thought that was able to transcend the appalling emotions. There was no question in his mind that this jump arc was not a coincidence, and Kayla, too, had laid it out so objectively right down to the huge leaps in severity the jump sickness had now taken. These massive changes they were purposely making were working. He could literally feel it in the environment around him.
He shifted his focus randomly to the pylon to his right, and suddenly the amplification effect let him go. It had been gradual, so no plummeting of his blood pressure, but it definitely had eased down to just about zero now. And that’s the only reason he was able to finish the legal pad’s entries.
Steve identified sadly with Kayla’s panic over his whereabouts, her having to explain to the other him why she couldn’t make love to him, and trying to ease his feelings of rejection. All of them were things he’d already experienced. Steven Earl Johnson Management was a full-time job he didn’t want for her any more than he wanted the opposite for himself. He understood how crazy she felt. How alone. And, frankly, how confused. The deep empathy for Kayla’s experience resonated so strongly within Steve’s soul when he was done reading this first volume. He felt himself continue to crack as her loneliness reminded him of his own not that long ago. “I did this for two years without you,” he said quietly, “I don’t know which was worse.” Steve stared at her written words of that last entry in the Statesville legal pad as his spoken ones floated on the wind and over the river. Then he tucked it inside his jacket and moved on to the second one.
Reading the legal pad was very hard, but the diary wasn’t exactly easy, it was more of a whole different kind of hard. The entire thing was an epiphany of discovery, like a book he couldn’t put down where one chapter after the next divulged new secrets that he didn’t even know he’d one day be uncovering. He read one entry, he read the next, and he kept reading until there were no more entries left to read. Some were, in a word, devastating, though, truthfully, not unexpected. So many of them were also joyful. But it was the very first entry that set the tone for most of them that came after
Dear Steve,
This beautiful diary belongs to you. I’m going to use it to give you every memory I can of our life together so that when you get here, you’ll feel as much a part of our lives as you can. I was writing on a pad of paper when I was still in Statesville Prison. It was like a therapist, I was using it to cope. But something happened yesterday, and I still can’t really believe it did. But it did, and now I’m flying completely blind. I hope I’ve done the right thing. But I think I did, because just when I thought the other you was going to leave me or have me committed, you turned around and proved to me that you’re here. For anything. You bought me this diary and a new pen too. So, I’m going to give this back to you once all of you gets here. So, I’ll start at the beginning.
Yesterday, I told the other you that I’m jumping through time. And, Steve, I couldn’t believe it when you said you believed me.
Kayla went on to explain everything, starting from the PTSD flashback that set it all in motion.
I was completely lost in grief over Emily. You found me and couldn’t get me to come out of it. When I finally did you were in a panic. I’d never seen any version of you looking at me like you were looking at me. We had a big fight because I wouldn’t tell you what happened. You found the legal pad and read the whole thing, and I had nowhere to hide. I was so angry at you for finding it and reading it, and you can just imagine how you reacted to all the things I said about Marina.
And he certainly could, because he was still reacting to them, himself, right now.
You forced me to tell you the truth, and so I gave up and I did.
Kayla went on for several pages describing the entire incident, and Steve was floored at the whole thing. That he’d gone to the library amused him, that he’d believed her shocked him, and that he was now reading the very diary he’d bought her after the whole thing she was now explaining fomented an irony in him and every living soul that touched him. To some people it felt like déjà vu, to others it was like a sudden onset of homesickness in your gut, but that irony became tangible, and it set off the alarm in Rolf’s lab that indicated slipstream degradation.
“Sheisse, you people are idiots!” the scientist spat at the screen. Then the numbers updated with a huge data shift, and he very quickly went white.
That’s how it all happened, Steve continued reading. Because of Emily’s room. We keep the door closed all the time, now. But I take the back stairs a lot so I don’t even have to pass by it. I miss her so much, Steve. People face the death of their children every day. Did you know that Marlena’s first baby died of SIDS? Alice Horton lived through the death of her son. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had to tell a parent in my oncology and ER rotations that their children had died. People move on. They cope. Normally I’m ok, but sometimes – times like today – I’m not ok. I think it’s because Emily isn’t actually dead. She’s just unreachable.
So, now you know. You have so many questions, and you want to understand every single thing. We were up for hours and hours playing 20 Questions so that I can answer everything in an organized way. And I’m serious about answering them. The other you is devoted, and he is you so I’m devoted, too, and I promised no secrets. So I’m going to share everything with the other you. But you did say something that about broke me. He said in case you never get here, do I think he can be enough. Oh, Steve. I will always need all of you to be here. Always. But put yourself in his position. What if I told you you’re not all here yet, and I need all of you first before you’re really real to me. You’d be devastated. That’s how the other you feels. I can’t have you feeling that way, I love you, and it will break me the rest of the way if I can’t love you. So, I do. I love you. And I hope what I write to you about our life before you get here will help ease the jealousy or anger you are going to feel over it. Because no matter how much I love you the other you, I will never stop needing the whole you to get here. That’s why I’m keeping two things back that are only for you and me. I will never tell the other Steve or any other Steve the answer to the Stockholm question. And I will never tell him what Ava has done to us on the last jump. No secrets, Steve. And those are for us.
Thank you for loving me and taking care of me and believing unbelievable things no matter what timeline and which version of you I get. Please get here soon. I miss you so much and am so terrified that I don’t know how long I can survive.
I love you,
Kayla
Steve was astonished at what he’d just read. And he felt all the emotions. More pride poured out of him, his jealousy started to well, his anger at Rolf made him pulse his jaw, and her emotional state worried him; but he had a lot of admiration for himself in his counterpart’s actions, too.
Steve went on to read Kayla’s diary, and the question of whether the two Steves are really the same Steve plagued his inner monologue as he read. The Destination Steve that Kayla started writing about on day one of her arrival here was the same man he was today that had been jumping through time with her. That felt true to him. But by the time he was done reading, he questioned whether the man who left their shared body earlier today was really still him.
While Steve was completely conflicted about these two versions that had diverged off of the fundamental model, he didn’t dwell too long in the existentialism of his dual existence, because most of his wife’s words were an undeniable revelation. Kayla was an explorer in truly uncharted territory, because for the first time, his counterpart knew about the truth of who his wife was. He continued to feel every emotion around that, but more than anything, he felt utter pride in her. How she navigated this existence. He read with fascination every time she talked analytically about the timelines and their legitimacy.
This FEELS like the right timeline. Dr. Rolf says the pivot point is laying with you and me in our bed overnight in 2009, but I don’t feel like it is. I know how you feel about this, and I’m not trying to say we shouldn’t go back. We have to go back. But Steve, this just feels like our real pivot point. The day you flatlined and they took you away from us wasn’t supposed to happen. I feel it in my bones that none of that was how it was supposed to happen. That we’ve been living a timeline that split off when it shouldn’t have, and that this right now with you set to live past October is the right timeline. The way it was supposed to be. You dying was not. I can think of a hundred things that would have been better for every single person we know if it had happened that way, too.
Steve read that more than once, and he couldn’t help but wonder if she was right. “Mumbo jumbo?” he said aloud. But this time it wasn’t a statement, it was a … deliberation. It wasn’t the first time either of them had felt this way. Their months in 1979 felt so right to them that they could have stayed in that timeline forever in happiness. Living their lives in LA felt nothing short of authentic. And neither of them were more bonded to a timeline than the one they’d spent right here as a family with Emily. Not all the jumps felt like this. But those feelings of legitimacy within a jump being stronger than their own rightful timeline absolutely existed for both of them, they’d discussed it so many times. Yet, reading that one entry gave Steve more pause about it all than any of the other conversations had.
Steve laughed many times as he read through the diary, especially when she described Stephanie’s development. He snorted when he read that the other him and his Little Sweetness had a very large tea party with Puppy, Kitty, and Big Bird. Well, I’ve got multiple species covered, he mused.
It was several pages before he got to the one entry he knew would be there. It was very brief, and he could feel her anxiety in the ink beneath his fingertips as he literally tried to connect with her as he read it.
Dear Steve,
We made love tonight. My God, it was so much harder to write that than I thought it would be. I don’t know what to say. How to say it to you. What to write down. When you wrote those emails in LA, they were exactly what your heart was feeling, reverent and honest. I was devastated, but I never once felt dishonored. I never felt cheated on.
Steve stopped reading, and closed his eye in sad acceptance. He exhaled heavily and continued.
Eventually when you still weren’t here after so long I knew this day was going to come, and when it did I wanted to be sure to do the same for you when I told you. You didn’t know I’d be reading those, but I do know you’re going to be reading this. Maybe that’s why this is so hard, because I don’t know how to say any of it without hurting you. No matter what I say you’re not going to be ok. Because I’m in so much pain. And I’m so scared. You couldn’t let me go on that way. And I couldn’t watch myself keep hurting you. And because I needed you so much. So I let you in. You asked me after if I was sorry, and I told you no. Because I’m not. I can’t be sorry, because it would have hurt you to know making love to you was something I was sorry about. Loving you is never wrong. So, I’m not sorry. What I’m sorry about is that I’m hurting you now. I hope you can forgive me.
I love you forever.
Kayla
Steve folded his arms, the open pages tight beneath them against the black leather. Kayla was right on every instinct. Steve was not ok. Jealousy was certainly present, but the redness of his eye was about the abject pain Kayla was in. “There’s nothing to forgive, baby,” he rasped. “Not a goddammed thing.” He let himself cry in silence and was grateful in that moment that he was alone. Moments later he knew if he didn’t go on right now, he wouldn’t be able to at all. So, he lifted the blue-edged pages to his lips and kissed the paper where Kayla’s troubled hand had written that she loved him forever. Then he picked back up where he left off.
Kayla hadn’t written in her diary every day, but it was a lot of days. It wasn’t all pouring out her heart; most of it was a running chronical of their life. This has been a pretty mundane couple weeks, huh? Kayla wrote after a series of day-in-the-life entries. But none of it was mundane to Steve, it was all fascinating. To a random person, hearing about what Stephanie was eating now and that the cat had her shots for the year was not a page turner. But Steve gobbled it all up.
He couldn’t believe how he was dealing with administrative work at the Emergency Center and was honestly dreading having to dive into that persona. But one entry about that made him slightly more eager.
Dear Steve,
I’m here to remind you that while you don’t complain to me about it, I know you hate the Emergency Center. You do it for me so I can stay home with Stephanie. I love you so much for it. I am also here to warn you that you’d better be ready for Dr. Windsor. Because boy have you really poked the bear.
“Dr. Brad! Oh, baby, I get to yank that dude’s chain again?! That’s gonna be fun.”
It doesn’t matter which you he gets, it seems that all the yous that exist, exist to get an enormous rise out of him. I almost feel bad for him. Almost. I don’t have the heart to tell you to give it a rest, because I think that and working with Marcus are the only parts of the day you enjoy. Oh, except when me and Stephanie bring you lunch! Bit of a role reversal!
Anyway, so I know a lot of this is kind of boring stuff, but I think it’s just important to me that you know what is happening. We can’t make all these days happen again, I wish we could. So, the least I can do is make very sure I tell you about it. I don’t want to forget anything. So, I guess that means some real boring stuff along with the … other stuff.
And some of that other stuff was terrible. One of the last ones was so singularly intense, Kayla had dispensed with an opening.
I am so goddamn sick and tired of you making decisions without me. You Steves are all the same, you think you know what’s best for me and just DECIDE. You say, ok, this is how it’s going to be. You think you’re so goddamn sure you know how you’re going to act when you get here that you have decided what’s best for me and you and him and us.
The pronouns were absolutely killing Steve.
We have a plan for when the other you gets here, but you’re trying to make changes I’m not completely on board with, and you just stormed out of here!
A sick lurch bottomed out Steve’s stomach, because it was the first time Kayla had referred to this real Steve as “the other you.” Their Destination versions were “other you,” not their awareness versions. And Steve absolutely didn’t like that at all.
You’re so stubborn and obstinate all the damn time! Like you’re the only one who knows best? I have news for you, YOU DON’T! I DO! You’re not the one jumping through time, he is! She crossed that out and rewrote it. I mean he’s not the one jumping, you are. I mean him when I say you. What I’m saying is I’m so mad I can’t think straight and it’s all exhausting, you know that? We came up with a plan for when you get here. And it’s so brave, Steve. The other you is so selfless and brave about it, because it’s really about the end of him so that you can exist. The other Steve is going to try to tell me what it feels like to be replaced by the imprint of you before he disappears. The real meaning of that is starting to get to him. And today we started arguing because you want to go on this stupid cruise with Bo and try to keep Hope from dying. I said no, because how are we supposed to follow through with the plan, cause I won’t be there with you, someone has to stay home with the baby. And you didn’t take that so well. I also reminded you—him—that we can’t make big changes with the rest of you still in the slipstream, I’ve made too many already, and it all went to hell. You don’t want to let Hope die, even though I promised you she’s still alive, you don’t want any of it to happen. And I don’t either! But I won’t let this change happen and put my foot down, and you had a real fit. You were on a tear about maybe you’ll never ever get here. Maybe you’ll be this you forever. Maybe this IS the real you, and did I ever think of that? Maybe Rolf is wrong and where is he, he hasn’t been to visit so maybe this is the final jump and you actually got here already and just got absorbed. Then you said I was willing to sacrifice everyone, including him, just so I can have a version of you that might never get here. I lashed out and said you had no right and that none of this is even real. And that was a huge mistake, because you already feel like second best. I hurt you so much, you should have seen the look on your face. I told him that he was real, just everyone else wasn’t, and then he looked at the baby monitor and I made it so much worse. You ran out of the house. I begged you to stay and talk to me, but no, you had to run. Why do you always run and leave?! Now I don’t know where you are, and I’m so mad at you. And you know what, I’m mad at YOU TOO! Because where the hell are you?! It’s been three months and you’re still not here! I’m not doing this for two years!
The entry ended abruptly, and he could practically feel her slam the book shut when it did. Steve puffed out his cheeks as he blew out the breath he’d been holding and felt worse, because what did he do practically the minute he got here to this difficult situation? He left the house to read the diaries. He suddenly felt extremely motivated to finish so that he could go home. The next entry was the next day.
Steve, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for taking all of this out on you. I’m not mad at you, I’m just scared and frustrated and angry. You came home drunk and just let everything out that you’ve been feeling. The other you is starting to feel your mortality. You really, truly believe me about all of this, and you believe that you’re not going to die in October anymore, but you really get that when your imprint happens that you’re going to go away forever. No memory. Like your entire life will disappear. Like you’re going to die anyway. And all I want to do is fix this. I was there when you said goodbye to me in your hospital bed, and now it’s happening all over again, only this time we know it’s happening. And you’re starting to go into denial. I’m feeling it, too. I’m betraying you right now as you read this by being with the other you and loving him so much. And I’m betraying him by waiting ultimately for the one Steve that I need most – you. It is betrayal, Steve. I know it’s not my fault, and that one day you’re going to have to do this, too, because it’s going to happen again if we’re in the slipstream forever. I feel like I should be better at this and just get over it. But I’m not over it. I feel how I feel. I just want you to know, I’m not mad at you, I was just lashing out.
Steve saw very clearly that the ink of this entry was smeared. He ran his fingers over the slight distortions and felt his wife’s grief.
I also have to remember that to the other you, this life is real. This timeline always was, and the concept of letting your friends and family suffer or even die is against everything any Steve ever was. So you want to save Hope and I understand that. And you want to feel like I love you, the one that’s here. Him. You know that I do, but he really does feel like the consolation prize, and my heart is broken in so many pieces over it. I can’t keep doing this to you. I have to love you like you deserve to be loved. I’m sorry, Steve. I’m so sorry.
Steve remembered just a couple days ago in his own experienced time that Kayla screamed at him to stop being sorry. He felt the same way right now.
The next many pages were mainly about all the people in their lives, where they were now versus where they were originally, and how they could break the slipstream best with them once he arrived. She also went on and on about Stephanie, often comparing her to Joe at the identical age. Steve loved reading any reference to his little boy, though it did nothing to keep his emotions in check.
Steve kept reading, absorbing all of it, communing with every word. Until he got to the entry that brought him to the place he was right now. Feeling every emotion so heavily that he had to turn it all off and find a place where he could wait out the pain.
September 7, 1990
Dear Steve,
Happy Anniversary, my love. I’ve been feeling very sad and hollow all week knowing that our anniversary was coming. It didn’t happen in our real timeline, but it happened, and it’s precious to me. Everything about these last 14 years has been precious to me. Every moment of every day with you and our beautiful babies we made with so much love has been precious to me. Even the hardest times. Like today when I am missing you the most while the other you knows it and is hurting for both me and for himself. But even the very worst moments we’ve had together are moments that I was with you, loving you, being loved by you. And I will never regret them. And they will always be real. They will have always happened. It’s been five and a half months since you’ve been with me, and I’m so scared every day that you’re lost in time. But I’m loving you today thinking about our September 7th wedding, and I love you every day.
The other you is here, though, and he’s been working hard to make sure one of you has a future. So I made decision today. This is the last time I’m going to write to you about the slipstream or our time jumping. It’s too hard on me to continue describing what it’s like to feel depressed and trapped and angry and loved and dishonest. But I need you to know exactly what the plan is and what we’re intending. Then after that, I just want you to know what kind of life we’re having. So you can have as much of a memory of it as I can give to you.
We are living heads down just one day at a time. A lot is happening around us with Kim and Shane, your sister and brother have all kinds of drama, And my mom and pop are struggling a little bit after mom’s heart attack last year that I wasn’t here yet for, but she’s working too hard and dealing with too much bullshit from all of the people she loves, plus Victor. But overall, we just do our best to stay out of everything. You did not go on the cruise, and that was a big change, but I needed you home, and so you stayed. Hope is still presumed dead, but everyone else managed to make it back in more or less the same circumstances as the first time, Isabella learned that Victor is her father, most of it was the same. Knowing Hope isn’t really dead is very hard for you to just keep to yourself. All of it is really hard for you, but you are so brave. You’re devoted to our future even if you’re not going to be the version of yourself to experience it. Because that’s who you are. You’re still impulsive, and sometimes it drives a wedge. But there’s never a time we don’t find our way back to each other for the good of us and our family. You want more kids so badly right now, but you know you’re never going to meet Emily and see what leaving her has done to me. So you don’t want to make it worse with more babies I’ll have to leave. You’re very sad, but you’re also very selfless, and it makes me ache. I want to give you the world. The other you hopes to last long enough to meet Joey so many years from now. But deep down you know your days are limited, and you’re intent on making sure you set us up with as much new information as we can get for the future so we can end this and snap back to 2009. Which is surreal to you. But Steve, the other you is so wise. So smart. You know exactly how you’re going to react when you get here. We’ve been over this so many times, just like with the jump project, it’s committed to memory to make sure that when the time comes that we don’t succumb to the panic and just do it. It’s simple, but it’s easier said than done. I can’t tell you how much I love you for it.
So here’s the plan: When your awareness arrives, you’re going to tell me what is happening to you as the destination Steve. I have watched you arrive several times now, and it seemed very sudden with no warning. But I don’t know for sure, and things are starting to change. There are signs now that a jump is coming. So, the other you is paying very good attention and letting me know every time your five senses pick up anything that seems odd. So far, actually not a whole lot to report. But that doesn’t mean anything. The biggest part of this will be when you actually jump in. You’re going to do everything you can to tell me what your destination awareness is experiencing when you imprint on yourself. Then there’s going to be my job. And I’m doing it right now by writing to you in this diary. The other you knows that when you get here you’re going to be upset and jealous, and it’s going to be hard for me to do anything but want to hold you and disappear into a bubble with you. I also know that you’re going to be feeling still emotionally in that safehouse in Chicago, trying to get over what Ava did to us. It’s been months, and I’m still not over it. I think about it every day.
Steve had a very unexpected reaction to this. Ava’s invasive, hateful assault upon Kayla was very fresh in his mind. For him it just happened, and the vision of Kayla twisted up on that operating table flashed into his mind. His whole body involuntarily shuddered in reaction, and he just knew deep down that Ava had somehow created a stolen child that didn’t belong to her. He didn’t know how he knew it, but he did, and that knowledge began eating him alive right then and there. Now on autopilot, Steve kept reading.
But I have to be very strong and make sure you read my diaries right away when you arrive. You need the memories as soon as you get here. I have to not be selfish and make sure you read them before another thing happens. Start the jump right. And I’m going to honor you by doing that no matter how hard it is.
“Honor,” Steve whispered. The love that swelled in his heart helped tamp down the other feelings flooding through him.
That’s the plan. That’s why we have to stay together all the time and not get involved in anything extra-curricular. I hope you don’t jump into your sleeping body, and I hope it’s not when you’re at work. Speaking of which, you have to get a different job. It was not one of my best ideas.
I want the rest of these entries to be good memories. Important things we’ve discovered. Stephanie’s new experiences. You’re the best papa that ever lived, and you’re going to keep being the best papa when you get here.
One more thing. I want you to know something very important. I write more when I’m upset but I do have happy moments. I miss you terribly, and my PTSD is significant, I can’t get away from that, I had an incident the other day when Kitty had figured out how to push Emily’s door open. But many years ago, I asked you what you would have done if I’d never jumped in to our first really long gap between arrivals. Eleven days without me in 1979. You said you’d make a life with the other me and love me for the rest of your life. We’ve asked each other so many times if our destination versions are the same as our real ones. Do you know how many times we’ve talked about it? And come up with different answers? I’ve lost count. I know now that the right answer to that is going to depend. For me, here, in this time, the answer is making a life with you and loving you. Is he you? I still don’t know, and I’m not sure we’ll ever know. But for me right now? He is as close to you as he can be. With every passing day, he’s maybe less you. But I love all Steves, and he does everything he can to make me happy. And we have a lot of happy. I try to push past the fact that being happy with him means something complicated for you, because I know how I am going to feel when you have to do what I’m doing. But the happiness is there. I’m not living in misery. I know you don’t want that for me. I know you also want me to miss you. And I do.
I love you. I love our babies. I want you back. Happy Anniversary.
Love, Kayla
The abject reality of Kayla’s existence affected Steve profoundly. As he sat there clutching the diary in his hands and staring over the water, the theoretical that had only been what-if ethical arguments had now manifested as real life for Kayla. It was their first real taste of what forever was going to look like. The other him wanted to make more babies. The other him wanted to live forever. The other him didn’t want to be imprinted. The other him was so devoted to her like the real him would have been that she was loving him. She was feeling guilt about loving him. And she was going to feel guilt now that the other him was gone.
With every passing day, he’s maybe less you.
“He is not me,” Steve said as he began allowing himself to come out of the safety and into the reality.
Steve didn’t have any more headspace to process the remaining entries as anything more than informational. He read the rest quickly, though he did feel the air literally charge around him as he read her entry on October 23rd. You did not die today. A bomb still did go off, though, and someone was hurt. Bo is in the hospital, and he lost two fingers on his left hand, but he’s going to be ok. You saved him. I was worried sick, but when it was all over, you came home in one piece. And the slipstream is not going to react well to that. And I don’t care. My husband is alive, my brother didn’t die instead, and now we’re in unshared time.
Steve wanted to go home. Right now. He took a cleansing breath, finished the rest of the diary, shoved it into his jacket with the legal pad, and sped home.
It was after 7pm, it had been dark for quite some time now. Stephanie was down for the night and was, therefore, no longer awake for her to distract Kayla from the fact that Steve was gone. She knew she’d feel a loss, but the depth of it was even greater than she expected. This wasn’t like the relatively brief time spent before her other Destination Steves disappeared. She’d spent a year with him, he was still Steve, and watching him leave his body with the desperation not to on his face was devastating. He wanted to live. To stay with her. But he kept his promise to tell her what it felt like. Kayla stood in the doorway of their bedroom and stared at their bed. Steve’s side was closest to the door, and it was still rumpled from the last time he was in it.
Tell me you love me.
They were his last words. And as the tears poured down her face, Kayla went to his side of the bed. Hugged his pillow to herself, and sobbed as she told him that she did. Over and over she said she loved him. She cried for the loss of this man she loved; she cried for the fact that her Steve would never be able to experience the past year she’d spent with the other him; and she cried for the guilt in knowing that she’d always choose her Steve if ever faced with the choice.
Kayla sniffled as she found a moment to take a deep breath. Laying fetal as she inhaled Steve’s pillow, she stared at their wedding photo sitting on Steve’s nightstand. Their second wedding hadn’t happened this time; in fact, they were still technically unmarried. It was one of the things they argued about off and on, because Destination Steve wanted to get married, and Kayla didn’t want to do that without all of Steve present.
Kayla didn’t know why, but she felt compelled to open his nightstand drawer. She’d actually never done it. He’d promised to respect her privacy by never reading her diary again, and she did the same by letting his nightstand stay privately his. Now she opened it. Her breath caught in her throat at the two envelopes inside. They were sitting side-by-side on top of the shoebox containing Steve’s train and other precious keepsakes, one addressed to “Sweetness” and one to “Steve.” She picked up the one with her name on it and turned it over. It was sealed, and on the back he’d written, “go on, baby, open it.” Kayla let out a laugh. Then she exhaled heavily and did as it said.
Hi Baby.
If you’re reading this, then I’m not here anymore cause I’ve been imprinted with the other guy. I don’t know how it all went down. If I’m lucky it never went down and you’ll never read this. Unless you’re peeking. But I don’t think you are. I think I’m gone and the other guy is here now, and he’s going to love you same as I do. And I think you’re real upset. I think you’re upset that I’m gone but also feeling guilty that you want the other guy to be here. I want to tell you not to be baby. I’m going to try to stay if I feel him try to take over, cause I’m selfish and want to stay. But if I can’t then Sweetness this is always how it was supposed to be. That other guy is me in the future. I might not get to be him but he’s still me, and you never cheated on nobody, you were with me. I’m your husband, the man who loves you, same man as the one that’s going to keep loving you. You saved my life a million times over. You just saved it the other day when I didn’t get blown up. You’ve been saving me from myself from the day I met you.
Kayla I’m not good with words, I realized when that bomb went off and I didn’t wake up dead that I had to write you this letter. I had to make sure you knew how much I love you. I don’t know the answer to whether I’m supposed to remember Stockholm, but I couldn’t love you more if I did. I’ll never meet Emily, but I feel her now every time I walk by her room. I can picture Joe in my head just from how you describe him. And I have dreams about you in the future. I’ve never been to 2009, but I go there in my dreams and see you. You’re holding my hand and looking at me with hardly any lines in your face and I can see your soul. You’re so beautiful. And when I wake up I know I’m going to see you there, because all I have to do is go back to bed and then I’ll find you. So, if the other guy is here now, it’s ok, I’ll see you when I close my eyes. So I mean it that I want you to go on with the other Steve after I’m gone. I told you I’d die for you. And if that’s what I’m going to do, then I’ll do it and die happy that you loved me.
Thank you for our beautiful daughter. You and Stephanie are the best things that ever happened to me. Every single day my girls just give me the world. You are my world. If you left I wouldn’t have any reason to go on living. So, I’m ok with leaving and making room for the other guy to take over. Because I couldn’t handle it if it was you that was leaving. Thank you for not leaving me after all the times you could have. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for loving the me that was here even though some of me was missing and making me feel like I was enough.
I left something for you. Go to the pier where we got married. Look on the fence directly across from the exact dock. You’ll find it there.
Do not feel guilty. Do not be sorry.
I love you, Sweetness. I will never stop loving you.
Steve
Kayla sat on the edge of the bed with the two sheets of paper in her hands. She rubbed her cheek against them and in that moment felt a serenity that she was not expecting. “You knew,” she said aloud. “You knew that I was going to fall apart.” She’d stopped crying and wiped the remaining wetness from her cheeks. “You knew what I was going to need and found a way to take care of me even after you were gone.”
Kayla folded the cherished pages and put them back in the envelope. She walked around the bed to her side, kissed the envelope, and placed it into her nightstand drawer.
Thanks to Destination Steve, she was feeling more at peace with his departure. But her Steve had been gone for two hours, and she couldn’t help but worry about what was going through his head now that it was fully present. She poked her head into Stephanie’s room to check on her and was glad to see her sleeping soundly. She wasn’t surprised, it had been a tiring day for her.
Finally, as Kayla was drawing a bath, she heard the front door slam.
“Kayla!”
Kayla turned off the water, threw her robe back on, and ran down the front stairs to get to him as quickly as she could, mainly because she needed to be with him, but also because she did NOT want Stephanie to wake up, because she’d never get the overtired tot back to sleep. She found him looking for her in the dining room.
“Steve! You’re home!” Steve gasped in a mix of startlement and relief to see her. “Don’t shout, you’ll wake St—”
Steve swallowed up Kayla’s words with a kiss so deep, so passionate, and so fierce that it literally took Kayla’s breath away. He held his wife in an embrace that engulfed her entire body in his strong arms and consumed her.
Kayla was caught completely off-guard, but within moments she responded with her own passion. She felt the Salem cold on Steve’s body, but his lips were warm and soft as she kissed them back. She opened her mouth to him, and his tongue immediately found hers. They both felt the amplification seize them in their frenzy, but rather than try to control it, they leaned in and held each other as tightly as they could. Steve didn’t stop kissing his wife as he finally broke the crushing embrace to hold her face in his palms.
“I love your face, Sweetness,” he breathed between kisses. “God, I love your face.”
Kayla made a deeply loving sound of contentment, enjoying the attention of his lips, his mouth, his tongue, his hands, and his words before pulling out of his kisses to look at him. “You read the diaries?”
Steve nodded, the look on his face very reverent. She ran her fingers through his hair and laid questioning eyes on him.
“There is nothing to forgive, Sweetness. Do you need to hear it again? Not a goddamn thing. I’m so proud of you. You say I’m your hero. But, you’re mine. And I just love you so damned much I gotta keep kissin’ you.” Kayla’s long hair was in a pony tail. He pulled the elastic out and let both of his hands lace through it in thick handfuls. “So beautiful, baby.”
Kayla smiled. “I missed you. There’s so much I want to say.”
Steve’s eye pierced through hers into her soul. “You already said it, Sweetness.” Then he whispered, “You’re the one that’s so brave.” Then he signed courage, and Kayla’s expression was so tender it made Steve weak. “Don’t stop kissing me.” They had not moved from the dining room entryway. “I’m not ready to stop yet.” Steve brushed her lips as gently as a feather. Then he ran his thumb over her bottom lip.
“Then why aren’t you still kissing me?” Kayla asked in a voice so beautiful the sound would sustain him well into the afterlife.
They crushed their lips together and ate madly at each other. Their hands caressed and fondled, they whispered lovingly as they kissed, and they spent a long time standing there, making every one of their kisses express their feelings for each other.
When they finally came up for air, Steve swept Kayla up in his arms. When he only stood there with her, she giggled. “Were you gonna take me somewhere?”
Steve shook his head. “I just wanna look at you. Feel you in my arms like this.”
“So you don’t want to talk about—”
“I want to talk about it. But I want to be with you for a while.” Something in Steve’s playfulness struck Kayla as not quite right. Then she suddenly understood. She palmed his right cheek. “I’m scared, too.” Steve only nodded in acknowledgment. “It was harder than I thought it was going to be. And I’m scared, too.”
Steve carried Kayla to a dining room chair and sat with her still in his arms. “I need you to keep kissing me. I feel safe when you kiss me, Sweetness.”
Kayla moved to face him straddling her legs on either side of him. Then she gently kissed his forehead, his cheek, and his patch. “I’ll never get tired of kissing you.” These kisses were less carnal, but they both felt the deep connection with each other that they craved as their lips met over and over with love and devotion.
If they could have stayed in the safety of each other’s arms like this, they would have. But realistically, they had to come out and take the next step.
“Are you hungry?” Kayla asked. “We have leftovers.”
“Yeah, I am, actually. What do we got?”
“Come on,” she said as she got up. She took his hand and led him to the kitchen, where the table and counters serving as the hub of a tot’s constant meal and snack needs was apparent. Stephanie’s highchair, different from his other daughter’s, was in the same spot. Cans of formula had since been replaced with baby food jars, Cheerios boxes, and fishy crackers. Sadness for Emily touched Steve briefly in this moment, but it was fleeting.
Kayla had cleaned up the remnants of the birthday party while Steve was out, but thanks to the truncated nature of the celebration, there were quite a few leftovers. “How hungry are you?” she asked.
“I’m still hungry from the last jump, I could eat the house.”
“Ok, let’s stop short of the brickwork. How ‘bout a hot dog?”
“How ‘bout two?”
“I can do that,” she chuckled.
Steve watched intently as his wife went through the routine motions of heating up two hotdogs. She felt his eye on her and knew it was what he needed to do to feel some sense of grounding.
“Ketchup?” she asked and smiled when he looked extremely offended.
“What’s that other guy teaching you, baby, he not know that ketchup on a hotdog is wrong?”
“No, you two are very ketchup-consistent,” she smiled. “I’m just teasing.”
“It’s a crime, baby.”
“High crime,” she added.
Now Steve laughed genuinely and proceeded to inhale the food on his plate, which tasted absolutely delicious because his wife made it for him.
“Steve, I-I-I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but—wait, where are the diaries?”
“I want to talk about it.”
“You do?”
Steve nodded, then with a mouth full of potato salad, he replied, “I do.”
“I do, too,” she said relieved.
“And I want us to get married tomorrow.” Kayla’s lips parted. She wasn’t expecting that. “We’re not married yet, right? We need to be married. I need us to do that.” Kayla just stared. “You don’t wanna marry me?”
Kayla laid a look of ridiculousness on him. “Of course, I want to marry you.”
“Diaries are safe on the bench. Why’s the cat got your tongue?”
Kayla crossed her arms. “Steve, I will marry you any day anywhere. I just am kind of wondering why that’s the first thing you thought of.”
“It’s not, Sweetness, it’s more like the 47th thing I thought of. The first thing I thought of was my own jealousy, because in case I haven’t mentioned it before, I’m a selfish asshole.”
Kayla crossed her arms again and pursed her lips arrogantly. “Go on.”
“Yeahp, so then the next thing I thought of was how I wasn’t going to survive how much pain you were in, and I wasn’t more than two entries in. I broke down real quick, Sweetness. I regretted leavin’ the house, I wanted to just hold on to you and not let go.”
“Oh baby.”
“Then there were a few things I read there that made me very glad I left, after all. Until I saw we had a massive fight and you really let me have it for running out because I always leave.” Kayla felt herself blush. “And there I was, reading these important words where you poured out your damned heart to me and I wasn’t brave enough to stay here to do it.”
“No, it’s ok.”
“No, it’s not, Kayla. You’re right, I turned tail a lot. I don’t do it so much these days, I’ve grown up. You told me to grow the fuck up, too, right?”
“The other you!”
“And that’s another thing. HE is not me. HE is the other me. I am not the other him.”
“Huh?”
“I gotta tell ya, it’s one thing to hear the pronouns, but reading them was impossible. You called him me and me the other him, and it felt like you were bonding more to him and less with me.”
Despite the absurdity of the sentence, she understood what she’d done, and tears sprang to her eyes. Kayla stood up and tried not to sway in angst.
“You love him. I know you do. And I don’t want that to eat at you.”
“I love YOU. He’s you.”
“He started out me, but I don’t think he ended up still me. Not this time, anyway.”
“Steve—”
“Listen. Baby, listen to me. I’m not gonna pretend that reading that was easy, because it tore me up. But you were amazing, Sweetness. You survived something impossible. I know you feel guilty, I did, too. I know how easy it is to love that guy, cause I loved you back in LA before you jumped in, too. But this was a lot harder for you. You gave new meaning to the word courage, Kayla. He may have been me, but at some point he wasn’t me anymore, and I think you feel that, too. And it’s ok, because what were you supposed to do? Leave me? See, now I’m doin’ it, I’m callin’ him me!” Steve pushed back sharply on his chair, the pendulum on his emotions swinging back to the angry side. “Because we just have to survive somehow, and you found a way to do that, and make sure that I’d be ready to survive once I got here, too.”
Kayla collapsed into the chair and let herself cry. “I feel so guilty, Steve. You told me not to, but I can’t help it.”
Steve scooted his chair up to hers and held her. “I agree with myself. Please don’t feel guilty.”
“He sacrificed himself for you. And he didn’t do it for you. He did it for me. Because he knew that you were the one that I needed. You’re right, I did bond with him, but never instead of you. Never like you weren’t the same person in my heart. Never once did I decide I didn’t need you to get here. I missed you every day.”
“I know, baby,” he stroked her long hair.
“Never, Steve.”
“I know it, Sweetness. I really know it.”
Kayla took a shuddering breath. “I’m so sick of crying.” Then she looked up into Steve’s own puffy eye. “You’ve been crying, too.”
Steve nodded. No point in hiding it. “I’m real fucked up. Have been for a long time.” Kayla laid a melancholy look on him. “Marry me tomorrow, it’ll help unfuck me.”
“Ok. They have no idea we’re frequent fliers at the courthouse now.”
Steve smiled. “I do, Sweetness,” and kissed her ring finger with her ring already on it. Then very solemnly he said, “thank you for not marrying him without all of me here. It would have broken me.”
Kayla leaned her forehead against his. “I do, too. Only with all of you.”
Steve got up and washed his own dish while Kayla put away the ones she’d done earlier.
Steve’s head wasn’t right yet, and he knew it like a lucid dream. He was self-aware enough to know that he was going back and forth between jealousy and practicality, anger and reverence, respect and resentment. And he knew it was the slipstream causing it to be so much worse than a run of the mill mood swing, it was happening fast from moment to moment. Despite his awareness, out of nowhere, Steve said “I wanna talk some more.”
“I do, too.”
“When I came back after that big fight, did we have makeup sex?”
Kayla shot him a look. “You really want to know this?”
“Yes.” And he meant that yes as much as he also meant no.
“I can see your skin turning green.”
“Did you?”
“You’re turning into a Gorn.”
“Impressive knowledge of classic Star Trek. Please answer the question.”
“I didn’t know we were playing 20 Questions.”
“We’re not. Did you have makeup sex with him?”
Kayla turned to lean back against the counter while Steve dried his hands on a dish towel. “Yes, we did.”
“I thought we were never having makeup sex again.”
“Well, the other you didn’t get that memo, so we had some.” Steve chewed silently on the back of his cheek but kept his face very neutral. “Did you like it?”
“What do you think?”
“Did you like it?”
“You’re jealous.”
Now he nodded. “Can’t help it. Did you like it?”
“I was having sex with my husband, of course, I liked it,” she clapped back. “When you were fucking the other me in LA, did you like it? Did she get you off real good?”
Steve’s eye widened with the vehemence of her response. “Struck a nerve.”
“What do you expect? You know how I’m feeling and go there anyway. Why do this?”
“Because all of this? It can’t happen again. We won’t survive the guilt eating us from the inside out. Both of us. We have to get out of this or it’s gonna happen again, and look how we feel. Look how we can’t help but feel.”
“So, I guess forever’s not looking so good anymore.”
“It never looked good to begin with, and now we have a real live taste of what’s gonna happen before forever is over. You said you’re not sorry you and the other me made love. Good, I don’t want you to be sorry. But don’t lie to yourself, Sweetness, you ARE sorry. And you shouldn’t be. I’m tryin’ not to be jealous, but I’m going crazy knowing you had makeup sex and I’m not the one who made you come.”
“Steve—”
“I’m sorry, too. For LA. For loving her in LA and, God baby, I loved you so much. And it’s not fair to either of us. We have to get out of this before it happens again. I wanna spend the rest of our lives here, make Joe, live here, die here. But we’ll jump again before we can make that happen, and I already know in another year or two when the 16 are up we’re not snapping back. But we gotta go back. We gotta break this thing. Cuz I can’t go through knowing you had to go through something like this again. And I won’t survive if next time it’s me.”
“Yes, you will. You’re strong, Steve!”
“No, I’m not!” he shouted back. “Stop lying to yourself! My head’s all scrambled eggs, Kayla, and you know it! You’re better at this than I am!”
“Really? Think so? You’re not the one disappearing into yourself when you can’t handle things. That’s me! I’m the one who’s barely mentally hanging on!”
They were both silent for a moment.
“We gotta get out,” Steve said softly.
Kayla nodded. “Yeah. We do.” Then she threw herself into Steve’s arms. She didn’t cry, she didn’t whimper, she just dug her head into Steve’s chest and felt an unbelievable release of pleasure when she felt Steve’s reaction. “How long do you want to stay here before we break it?”
Steve knew she was asking how long he wanted with his daughter, mother, and sister in this timeline. How much of a calm before the storm he needed. He rubbed his cheek over her smooth hair. The truth was that he did need a little time with them before he and Kayla willingly launched themselves into hell. “Give me a day to marry you, and then we’ll decide.”
Kayla smiled and held him tighter. “Ok.” Then she leaned up for kiss, which he gave her. “When you’re ready, I know exactly what we need to do to break it here.”
Little did she and Steve know that they weren’t going to need to do much more to break the slipstream, because they’d now so very, very much broken it already.
Chapter 168 (Coming Soon)