Find Me – Chapter 158

Steve woke up screaming Kayla’s name, which scared Kayla right out of her own very fitful sleep, which in turn startled Steve out of his nightmare. 

“What?!  What is it?!” Kayla yelled.  She’d curled herself into a ball against Steve’s side and tossed against him most of the night.  The room was completely foreign, it was dark, she didn’t know where she was, and her body was wrong in every sense of the word from all the drugs that didn’t belong inside of it.  Kayla’s affected voice woke Steve instantly.

“Kayla?!”                                                                                         

She quickly realized where she was.  “I’m here!  I’m right here,” she assured him.  She leaned up against him and wrapped her arms around his middle from his half-slouched position where he’d fallen asleep against the headboard.  Relieved to hear her voice Steve grabbed her back in a desperate clutch, this nightmare a representation of how poorly he was coping with everything that had just happened.

“Baby,” he croaked.  “Oh, Sweetness.”

Kayla recoiled from the pain, because every inch of her ached.

Steve let go of her quick.  “Shit.”

“No, it’s not you.  I just hurt everywhere.”  Between the screaming and the sleepiness, her voice was thick and scratchy, and that made things seem even worse.

“I’m sorry,” his voice faltered.  “I’m so sorry, Sweetness.”

“It’s not your fault.”

Kayla’s affected voice deeply affected Steve.  Whereas he had been desperate to touch her, now he felt the opposite and couldn’t face her.  He gently moved away and got up from the bed.  Kayla watched as he went to the window and knew he was in an emotional fight with himself.  Even with his back to her, she knew he felt her eyes on him.

Steve looked down at the street one story below them and stared at the streetlamp’s reflection in the wetness of the black asphalt.  After several moments of contemplative silence, Steve replied to her.  “I think we both know that it is.”

“Steve—”

“It is.  Our entire lives, what I’ve done most is hurt you.  Even when I don’t know who I am, I hurt you.”

“You’re not starting this again.  You’re not leaving!”

“Of course, I’m not,” he spun around.  “I promised I never would, and I won’t.  Ever.  And besides, I can’t live without you.  But don’t pretend that I’m not the cause of what just happened.”

“That just isn’t true.”

“You are the only good decision I ever made.  Our marriage and our children …” Steve put his hands on his hips and muttered a curse under his breath at the floor.  The thought of other children out there that maybe belong to one of them but not the other took a piece of his soul.  “Sweetness, our life.  And our kids.  Are the only good things I’ve ever done.  Other decisions I’ve made, even when I didn’t know you, have come back to hurt you.  Really hurt you.  Emotionally.”  He gestured pointedly to her.  “Physically.”  Kayla’s glassy eyes were so impossibly blue in the reflected moonlight that had peeked out from behind the otherwise overcast sky.  “You save my life every minute you are with me.  I take pieces of yours every minute I’m with you.”

Kayla pulled herself up into a sitting position and did her best to hide the cringe she couldn’t help and searched for the right words to say.

“There’s nothing you can say, Sweetness.  I know you want to, but there’s nothing you can say.  It’s just true.  I was too afraid to be honest with you about Marina and handled that like shit.”

“Oh great, so we’re bringing her up now.”

“And ya know how that ended up?” he continued.  “With you in prison and Stephanie kidnapped.  You don’t know what it did to me to see you behind those bars.  And all I had to do was just pick her.  I was a kid, but I picked her, and you’re the one who ended up hurt.

“You lost your eye again.  We were both hurt.”  But Steve could not be consoled.

“And now this—fucking bitch.”  Steve’s eye watered as he saw the hospital gown on the floor spotted with blood at the hem.  “God, Kayla.  Look what she did to you,” he rasped.  “Because I picked her.” 

Kayla looked straight ahead staring out into the dark front room from her position on the bed.  She didn’t want to be upset with Steve, because it was nothing he purposely did or could even have imagined.  But he was not wrong about it being his actions that led to what was happening, and she was feeling unbelievable anger at what was taken.  From her.  And from him.  And potentially from them. 

“You always blame yourself.  I don’t know how to get you to stop blaming yourself for every bad thing that happens to us.”

“So, this bad thing isn’t my fault?”

“No, Steve.  It isn’t.”

“In our real timeline, you’re in LA working your ass off to raise our daughter alone, and I’m sleeping with the enemy.”  That made her shudder, and she clicked her tongue.  “I’m sleeping with a person who could do this to the only woman I’ve ever really, truly loved.”  Steve worked the muscle in the back of his jaw as he stood stock still as far from Kayla as he could get while in the same room.  “I hate her, Kayla.  I hate her.  I wish I’d never laid eyes on her.  I wish she was dead.  I would kill her right now if I could.”

“Steve,” Kayla barely whispered.  “Come here?  Please?”

“If I really died, this would’ve never happened.”

Kayla snapped her head around.  “Don’t you ever say that again.”

“HOW ARE YOU OK?!  SHE TOOK SOMETHING FROM YOU—FROM US!  HOW ARE YOU OK?! 

“I’m not.  I’m not ok.  I’m a wreck.”  Her voice shook.  “Now please.  I need you.  Please.  Come.  Here.”

He made a pained noise from his throat and couldn’t help himself when he went back to her so that they could hold each other and make things better. 

Steve gingerly sat beside his wife, and they softly embraced.  “I’m not hurtin’ you, am I?” 

Kayla shook her head.  “No.  Being in your arms never hurts.  But you know what does?  When you say you wish you were dead.”  Her head was laying on Steve’s shoulder.  “The day I watched your heart stop beating haunts me.  If you really want to hurt me, say that again.”

Steve pulled back and bravely faced her in spite of the deep shame he was feeling for having made a choice like Ava Vitali. He stroked his fingertips down the side of Kayla’s face.  “I’m sorry, Sweetness.  I won’t say it again.”

Then Kayla took Steve’s hand and held it against her bosom.  “Ok, this was able to happen because you picked her.”  She raised a shoulder yielding that fact to him.  “But I don’t blame you for it.”  She wiped his wet face with her thumb.  “You’re guilty of bad judgment, yeah, I’ll give you that.  But there is only one person to actually blame.  And that’s Ava.  She chose to do this.  She took the actions to steal my eggs.  And probably your sperm.  Maybe she did something with them, we don’t know.  But that wasn’t you or me or anyone else.  Opportunities exist all the time for all kinds of things, but it’s choices that make them happen.  And it’s Ava who made choices and did this.”

“I hate her Kayla,” he repeated.

“I hate her, too,” she nodded.  “I’m so angry and filled with rage.  I am.”

“That hate eats me up.  I don’t want that for you, Sweetness.”

“Well, that’s too bad.”  Her voice was tight now.  She wanted to release this rage, but that was not going to happen tonight.  So, she didn’t bother hiding it.  “It happened back home, I’m feeling it here, and I hate her in every timeline.  Because she didn’t just hurt me.  She hurt you, too.”

How did this happen at home?  Steve was brought out of his misery a bit with this question.  Was there any indication to Kayla that something had gone amiss on this trip?  And what Angelo had told Martino about getting “the first part done” this morning was an obvious and ominous reference to Ava somehow saving his sperm.  Was there any possible way she’d actually created a child?  The moment his thoughts led to this he had to stop or they would suffocate him.  Instead, he refocused himself on going back to bed.  It wasn’t an excuse, either, it was almost 2am, and both of them desperately needed sleep. 

“I’m sorry I woke you, Sweetness.”

“I’m sorry you had a nightmare.”  Kayla rubbed her palm up and down Steve’s chest.  He was still wearing the black tee-shirt he’d worn under the suit jacket and a matching pair of trousers.  “You’ll feel better if you’re out of these clothes.”

“I’ll feel better if I never see any of these clothes again.”

Steve stripped off everything down to his boxer briefs, as Kayla was wearing his one pair of sweats, and this safehouse didn’t have any Hanes 3-packs; then he got back in bed.  Kayla gently turned away from him and spooned herself into his embrace.  It was their favorite position, and it made both of them feel safe.  “I love you so much, Kayla,” he said before resting his head above hers on the pillow.  Kayla kissed his hands she was holding onto in front of her.  Then they fell back asleep.

It was nearly one o’clock in the afternoon when the banging on the door woke them both up.  Kayla had been up several times to go to the bathroom and feeling unwell.  Steve slept through it all, and she was truly grateful.  This was the longest stretch she’d been able to sleep until the banging started.  Serious fear that there was a Vitali on the other side of the door made going for the gun the very first thing Steve did before he got out of that bed. 

“Stay here,” he told Kayla.  He went to the front door and looked through the peephole.  Then he looked back at Kayla with a look of relief.  “Hang on,” Steve yelled.  Then he went back and told Kayla it was ok as he pulled on the tee shirt he’d worn the day before and a pair of black jeans from his bag. 

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve been out there?” Sam admonished him when Steve opened the door.  “I was about to call the cops.”

“Sorry, had to get decent first.”

“It was more than five minutes, Steve.”

“Overslept.”

“Well, glad she’s getting sleep, she needs it.  How’s the patient?”

“Baby,” Steve now directed to Kayla, “How you feelin’?”

“I’m ok,” she lied. 

Sam took one look at her and turned angry eyes on Steve.  “She look ok to you?”  And Steve saw immediately that she was so pale.  “Ten bucks says you’ve got an infection, Kayla.”

“Oh please, it’s been one day, Sam.”

“I think it’s time for the hospital and a CT.”

Whether that was so or not, Kayla was not convinced she’d be here long enough for it to matter.  Truth be told, she was just waiting out the jump.

“Baby, maybe we need to get you to a real doctor.”  Then he turned to Sam.  “Sorry, you know what I mean.”

“Why are you two always trying to coddle me?” Kayla muttered.  Sam didn’t react, but Steve crossed his arms and finally had an emotion other than anger and guilt, and that was frustration.  “Steve,” she continued, “what if we’re not here long enough for it to matter?”

“And what if we are?”

Sam had no idea what they were talking about, and neither Steve nor Kayla cared if he got it or not.  Which, of course, he would not.

“Kayla, Stacy packed up your bag for you, it’s out in the other room.  She wanted to come with me to deliver it, but I thought that was a bad idea.  She wasn’t real thrilled but she says she got every single thing that was in the room.”

Kayla hindbrained observations about Stacy presenting not that differently these two years prior to their residency.  “Thank you, Sam.  For arranging all of this.  Thank Stacy for me, too.”

“You really wanna thank me?” he asked feeling Kayla’s forehead, “go to the ER.”

Kayla refused, but she did concede to another examination by Sam; this time when he pressed on her abdomen she really recoiled.  “Kayla, something’s up in there.  If you’re not diagnosing yourself with at least a prospective infection or some kind of internal bruising then you’re not a very good doctor, are you?  How many doses of the ABX have you had?”

“None, it’s not here yet.”

“What?  Goddammit.  There’s part of the problem.”  On that Kayla agreed.  “Ok, I’m gonna head to there and get it myself, I’ll be back.”

“He’s really going above and beyond,” Kayla said when Sam had left.  “This is before GPS in a city he doesn’t know.”  The fact that he might have developed a crush on her ahead of schedule went unsaid by both of them.  And even amongst the coddling she truly did not want, she was grateful that Steve had called him.  “It was smart of you to call him.”

“I just want you to be ok.  I know we can trust him,” but I was climbin’ the walls last night when he was in there checking you out, making sure you were ok.”  The pleading in his eye that she do what he wanted also went unsaid, and Kayla needed this to end.

“Steve, listen,” she insisted as clear of tone as she could, “you have to trust me.  I know what I’m doing.  This is not as big a deal as it looks like.  I really do know how to take care of myself.  I don’t need an MRI, it’s bruising from the needle and the speculum and everything that happened as I fought it on the table, and mainly the massive Clomid shot.  He doesn’t have any of those facts, and I don’t want to share them.  Even if an MRI shows a damaged ovary, there’s nothing to be done, so it’s pointless.”

“Wait, a damaged ovary?!  Kayla!”

“Am I going to need it right now?!  If there’s an infection the antibiotics will take care of it.  I promise, I’ll take the meds, but please, just trust that I know what I’m doing.”

“But—you could have some kind of internal injuries?”

Kayla’s mood had now swung in the other direction, and she had zero fuse.  “I could have all kinds of things,” she shouted, “but I’m pretty good at this, and I know the instruments that were inside me and what your fucking crazy ex-girlfriend told that doctor to do to me, dammit!”

Steve was stricken.  “Sweetness—”

“I’m ok!  I just want to go back to sleep!”

“No, you’re not ok, Kayla.”

“I will be.  And I’m safe.  We’re both safe.  And I’m so tired.  This body is just so tired.”

“Ok, baby,” he said.  “Ok. I’m sorry,” he said guiltily.”

“STOP BEING SORRY!”

Steve didn’t know what to do.  He was so ashamed, and Kayla’s pain threatened to swallow him.  He just cast his gaze downward, because that’s all he could do. 

Kayla got up out of bed and went to the bathroom.  Steve forced himself not to follow her and allowed her to take care of herself.  About ten minutes later he heard her in the tiny kitchen and hoped she was eating something.  He wanted to go to her, but he forced himself to grow roots and give her space.  In the meantime, Steve stood there by the bedroom window and just looked out on to the autumn Chicago street.  The tiny apartment was above an empty storefront in an upscale neighborhood across and down the street from the Lincoln Park Zoo.  He could just make out the bronze lion sitting guard at the front gate.  He imagined the morning outings they used to take with Joey and fought the lump in his throat.  He was so homesick and guiltsick and self-hatredsick that it just hurt. 

“Hi,” Kayla said quietly from the doorway, holding a glass of water.

Steve looked up at her.  “Hi, baby.”

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s ok, honey.”

Kayla grinned slightly.  “You know, when you call me ‘honey’ it’s usually a very bad sign for your stress level.”  Steve let out a small snicker but nodded.  “And it’s not ok.  After how I must have looked on that operating table, I know you’re really scared and just trying to take care of me.  I’m lashing out at the wrong person.  I’m sorry,” she repeated.

“I told you to just give it all to me.  So maybe neither of us should be sorry anymore.  But, I don’t know how to deal with this guilt, Sweetness.  I do just want to take care of you.  Not coddle you.  It’s not that I don’t trust you, I’m just worried sick.”

“I know you are.  I am, too.” 

“And I feel responsible.”

Kayla exhaled heavily.  She put her water down on the nightstand and went to him.  He took her in his arms, and they just held each other silently for several moments before she stepped back.  “I don’t blame you.”  She held his hand and kissed his knuckle.  “You know what else I don’t?  Have a fever.  Right now I just need to let it all work itself out of my system.  Until then I’m going to be moody and really emotional and I’m nauseous, and I’m very sore all over and I’ll be spotting.”  Before Steve could even ask, she held up her hand.  “The bathroom is very stocked.  Leave it to the ISA.”  Then she started crying and rolled her eyes.  “And I’ll be crying for no reason.”

“Sweetness,” he replied with his hands cupping her face.  “You’ve got a lot of reason.”

“It’s the hormones.”

“It’s more than that.  And you don’t need a reason.”

She stopped crying almost as quickly as she’d started and wiped her eyes.  “Might wanna keep me away from dog food commercials.”  They both laughed and were equally relieved that they were able to do that.

“I trust you, Sweetness.  Doctor heal thyself.  And yell at me all you want.”

Kayla was very motivated by her own clothing, and putting on a pair of underwear that belonged to her made her feel a little better.  Still like she’d been run over by a truck, but better.

Sam came back with Kayla’s meds, along with a small bag of groceries for them, and frankly, Steve just about fell over with gratitude he was so hungry.  He shoved food into his mouth like his life depended on it, even before Sam had left the apartment; but the high hormone levels gave Kayla something a lot like morning sickness, and the smell of it was making her gag.  Steve felt bad, but Kayla insisted he eat, just not to make her do so.  “I’ll eat when I’m hungry, I promise.” 

The minute Sam left, Kayla dug her phone charger out of the suitcase pocket Stacy had shoved it into and plugged her now dead phone into it.  It hummed to life with a veritable symphony of tones.  They sounded really foreign to both of their ears, but they both knew a notification when they heard one.  Kayla poked around the phone and was shocked.

“Oh my God, Steve!  This is your number, I remember from what we memorized.  47 missed calls!”

“Yeah.  I know.  I called and called and called, trying to find you.  I was terrified they were hurtin’ you.  And I was right.”

Just then the phone rang right in her hand.  Kayla looked up.  “It’s Kimberly,” she said with some enthusiasm.  She pushed the talk button and answered.  “Kimmie?”

“Mama?”

Kayla’s eyes went wide.  “Baby girl!”

“Mama, where were you yesterday, you never called to kiss me goodnight!”

The smile that split across Steve’s face was one of the most joyous things Kayla had ever seen.  So many emotions shone in that joy.  She could see how much he wanted to hear his daughter’s voice.  How he wanted to tell her he loved her.  She saw how grateful he was that he might have a chance to talk to her again.  And Steve’s soul practically glowed at how badly he was bursting to engage with her.  Kayla had raised her, so it wasn’t quite the same for her, but she was also ridiculously eager and thrilled to hear her daughter’s voice.  Kayla fumbled for the speaker button and turned it on.

“Stephanie, I’m so happy you called me, honey.”

“What’s wrong with your voice?  Are you sick?”

That sobered Kayla up a bit.  She did not want to scare her.  “Yes, I caught a bad cold here, so I—ah—fell asleep before I could call you last night.  I’m so sorry.”  Steve, however, was grinning like there was no tomorrow.

“I got invited to Katie’s birthday party!”

“Oh, that’s great!”  Steve and Kayla smiled at each other, Katie was still friends with Stephanie on their last jump.

“She’s so young,” Steve mouthed to Kayla, who stifled happy tears through a smile and nodded.  “More,” he managed a whisper while making gestures for Kayla to get her to talk some more.  He had to hear more of his daughter’s little eight-year-old voice, and he didn’t know if he’d get another chance. 

“Tell me about your day, honey.  I—I want to hear all about it.”

Stephanie went on to tell the one parent she knew about and another she didn’t everything about how her random day in 3^rd grade went, what she ate, how her cousins were, and that their cat threw up a hairball while she and her aunt were there feeding her.  After as much as Kayla could get out of her, Stephanie said she had to go because it was time for lunch. 

“Wait, Stephanie!”

“Yeah?” she replied with a little impatience to get the chicken nuggets her aunt was heating up for her.

“Um.  I—I have—something for you.  When I come home, I’m bringing something with me.”

“A present?!”

Kayla started crying again.  “Something like that,” she smiled. 

“What is it?!”  Steve chuckled quietly in reaction.  

“You’ll see.  But I promise you, you’re going to be really happy.”

“Ok!  I love you, Mama!”

“I love you, too, Baby Girl.”

With that, Kayla waited for her sister to come on, which she immediately did. 

“Kay,” Kimberly said in a voice that clearly indicated that she knew what was happening.  “Is it true?!  Is it really true?!”

“Yeah,” Kayla let herself cry.  “It’s really true.”

“My God!  Is he there with you?!”

“In the flesh, Kim,” Steve spoke up in a velvety timber that made Kimberly gasp his name.  “I know it’s a shock.”

“You could say that.”

“I know it’s hard to believe.”

“Well,” she replied, “I have a little experience with people not being dead, after all, so not as hard to believe as you might think.  I’m just so happy for ya, sis.”

“Kimmie, please don’t tell Stephanie yet.”

“Of course not, Kay.  Not a word.  Steve,” she said in more hushed tones, “where have you been for, what is it, now, seven or eight years?  What happened?  I mean, there was a funeral.”

“Shane didn’t tell you?” he asked.

“Not really, he just said something happened to Kayla and that you somehow rescued her and called for a safehouse.”

“So, you’re not mad at me, right?” Kayla asked.

“Mad at you?  Why on earth would I be mad?  Kay, I’m overjoyed that your husband’s back.  And really worried about you, you sound like hell.  Are you ok?  What happened?”

“It’s a long story,” she answered.  I promise to tell you everything.” 

“Really?” Steve whispered with a grin. 

Kayla stifled a chuckle then mouthed “no” back. 

After they hung up, Steve showered.  It felt good to wash away any sign that Ava had been with him.  When he emerged, his wife was napping again.  “God, baby,” he whispered to himself.  The last time he’d seen her sleep this much was when he was taking care of her after her poisoning.  And he wondered, again, was there was any sign of this the first time through.  The effects had to have shown themselves somehow.  He shoveled more food into his mouth and watched mindless cable TV while his wife slept. 

Kayla woke up alone in the bedroom when the sun was setting and called for him.

“I’m out here, Sweetness.”  He bounded into the room as she was heading out of it to go to the bathroom.  “Do you need my help?”

Kayla leaned up and kissed him on the cheek.  “No, I can manage.”

“No more cramps?”

“No, I’ve got plenty of those.  But I can handle it.”

When she came out Steve presented her with a plate of toast.  “I’m boiling some water for some tea I found in the cabinet.  Please try to eat something.”

Kayla looked at him tenderly.  “Thank you.  I think I can eat now.” 

The two of them sat on the couch in the front room while Kayla finally filled her belly with something, and they set to the task of figuring out where to go from here.  They both wanted to go home to LA and, especially, see Stephanie and spend some time there; but neither of them were convinced they’d be here long enough to actually make it there.  It was nothing specific, more they were just afraid to be let down.  So, they decided to just take it, literally, one day at a time.  This confused Shane when he called them a couple hours later, as he’d prepped an ISA jet to take them home immediately. 

“Shane, I just need a little more time to heal.  I should be fine in a couple days.”

“Kay what happened?  Who did this?  Please tell me.”

Steve had now reached his threshold.  “She said no, Shane, let it go.”  Shane relented, but really Steve would have loved to have had the ISA throw Ava in jail and throw away the key.  But it was not worth it in this timeline to give her the precious little attention they figured they had.

“Alright, fine, mate.  But I don’t like it.”

“Honestly, that makes three of us, Donovan, but this is how it’s gotta be.”

The discussion got Steve very upset with guilt again.  He took her hand in his and inspected it very much like he had when she’d first arrived into herself on their last jump.  “I tried so hard to get to you, Sweetness.”  He stroked the back of her hand with his thumbs and placed a kiss in her palm.  “I’m so sorry, baby.  I know, I know, nothing to be sorry about, right?” he said unconvincingly.

“I know you think you did this, but you didn’t.  Look how hard you tried to get to me.”  Then she cocked her head.  “What if you’d reached me on the phone, and I wasn’t me yet?”

“Well, then I was gonna have some explaining to do, but nothing was more important than getting to you in time. 

Sweetness.  When I saw you lyin’ on that table.”  He stroked her hair back with his left hand.  “I would have used that gun.  On every one of ‘em.”  Then he realized there was a ton of information he didn’t actually have.  “How long were you there like that before I got there?”

“I was already in the procedure when I arrived.  I couldn’t believe you were there.  I just couldn’t believe you found me.  I opened my eyes to this horror movie, and not two or three minutes later you were just there.  And somehow the rage that was living just beneath the surface diminished just a little.  “I still can’t believe it.”

“I got lucky.  Time seemed to put me exactly where I needed to be to get to you.  It’s like I heard everything I needed to hear to know what I needed to do.  Where I needed to go.”  Then Steve teared up again.  “I heard you screamin’.  Remember when I was at Stefano’s compound, and they were playin’ those screams at me?  That’s what they were. Only I knew these were really you.”  He wiped his eye on his shoulder.  “You were in so much pain.  You were so scared.  I could hear it.”

“But you found me.  You saved me.”

Steve shook his head.  “Sweetness, I saw that doctor passed out on the floor.  You did that.  I know you did that.  You saved yourself.  I’m so proud of you, baby.”

“I fought hard,” she agreed.   “I heard enough in that room that I knew it was my only choice.”

Now Steve went into investigation mode.  “Baby, I still don’t understand how this happened where you’re aware of it now but don’t remember it then.” 

Kayla’s hormonal rollercoaster was in some rational moments, and now she very much wanted to get very clinical and figure this out.  She explained exactly what happened in that room from the time she became self-aware and ultimately deduced that it all must have come down to the nurse.  There was no anesthesiologist, and what very likely happened was that she woke up in the middle of the procedure not just now, but then, too, only this time she had the benefit of knowing who Ava was and fought before they could add any more propofol.  The first time she wouldn’t have understood, and when the doctor called for more anesthetic, it was probably administered, and did, indeed, do what it was designed for. 

Steve put his end together with hers and surmised that Angelo must have found Ava just like he did this time, only without Steve on his tail, he simply cleaned up Ava’s mess by returning Kayla to her hotel room and getting his niece out of there none the wiser. 

“And with two of my eggs.  That’s what the doctor said, that he only saw one or two eggs.”  Steve began to fume, but Kayla was on a roll.  “That’s a good thing, normally harvesting means at least eight or ten eggs. Sometimes even 20.  I was never missed from this conference, I don’t even remember experiencing any missing time.”

“Are you sure?  It was a long time ago, but you don’t remember waking up in your hotel room and wondering how you got there?” 

Kayla shook her head.  “I don’t think so.  They—”

“They what?”  Kayla just stared and blinked in several moments of silence.  “Kayla?  They what?” Steve prompted her again.

“I do remember this conference.  I was sick.”  Steve straightened up.  “I—I thought it was terrible PMS.  It’s really coming back to me, now, because you know I’ve never really had bad PMS.  But I did on this conference.  I felt like – I actually missed a day or two with really bad cramps, a bad headache …  I thought it was a migraine or something.”

“Kayla, you’re just now remembering this?”

“I—I don’t remember random moments of feeling lousy!  But now that I’m really thinking back on this conference, I do remember.  Stacy,” she laughed humorlessly, “gave me a bit of a hard time for being on the hospital’s dime laying around in my room instead of going to the medical equipment talks.  Oh my God, Steve.  I do remember! 

“Jesus,” Steve got up.  “I’m going to kill her in every timeline.”

Kayla reached her hand up to him and gestured for him to come back.  “They must have grabbed me from, my room!  Then shot me with a massive dose of Clomid and propofol, and did the best they could with what that would produce in a short time.  They couldn’t risk keeping me long term, that’s why there were only two eggs!  And then they just dumped me back in my room!”

“That’s why you don’t remember any missing time.  ‘Cause, as far as you were concerned none of it was missing.”

Now came a harder part of this conversation.  “She wanted your baby, Steve.  Is there any chance that she …”  Kayla stopped, took a breath, and just said it.  “Do you remember if you slept with her in the last 24 hours?”  Steve crossed his arms.  “If you ejaculated then she has your sperm, I think we have to just assume that.”

Steve knew this answer, because he’d thought about it already. “You are so brave, Sweetness.” 

Kayla pursed her lips.  “This is our reality, there’s no sense in running.”  Then she shrugged and sighed deeply.  “I  might be brave right now, but I can’t be sure I won’t fall apart later.”

“I’m here if you fall apart.”

“I know,” she whispered.

Steve looked down and tried very hard to meet her bravery with his own.  Then he looked her in the eye, because she deserved that, and he nodded with steely resolve.  “Yes.  This body gave her exactly what she needed.  There was a time in Chicago that she woke me up in the middle of the night and … used her mouth and her hand to make me … ejaculate.”  Ava got the clinical terms only.  He would not use the other words; they weren’t for her.  “We had a lot of sex.  And the reason I remember this time was because sex was never something she’d give and not take any for herself.  This time it was only about me, and that almost never happened.  When we were done, she’d roll over, happy, she didn’t cuddle up or give any real tenderness.  But this time she let me be the one who just got some without having to clean up, and I got to just roll over.  She made a big deal about it.”  His voice was tense now.  This was very hard for Steve, and instead of caving in on herself, Kayla stayed strong for him, giving him the strength to finish this hard conversation.  Because it had to be had.  “There was also somethin’ Angelo said when I was listening after I jumped in.  He said he barged in in the morning and pulled me out of there.  And I do remember that.  I remember him saying some weird stuff to Ava, like warning her not to make trouble.  The old man hated me, I thought her uncle was trying to tell us to cool it.  But I don’t think that was it.  I think he knew what Ava was planning with you.”

They sat in the silence of this massive, dual confessional revelation and let the meaning of it all really steep.  Steve looked away first, but Kayla took his face in her hands and forced him to look at her.  “I love you,” she whispered.  “I still love you.  This is not your fault.  Do you understand me, Steve?  It’s not your fault.”

His breath caught in his throat.  “Sweetness, how can you keep forgiving me?”  And now Steve really wept.  “After everything you’ve heard?”

“Do you know what else I heard in that room, Steve?”  He shook his head.  “I heard Ava tip her hand.  I wasn’t supposed to remember it, but I do now.  And what I heard her say made me love you even more.  It never seems possible that I could love you more, but every day I do.”

“What did she say, Sweetness?”

“Hmmp,” she smiled.  “Sweetness …” Kayla repeated lovingly.  “She said you call my name in your sleep.  You would call for me.  You’d say ‘Sweetness’ in your dreams.  She said she couldn’t give you a baby of her own, and she hated me so much for being the one who did.  That’s why she did this.  To punish me.  Because she knew you were going to remember one day.  And she was right, you were standing in a church to marry her, and you remembered our wedding.  You remembered your wife and you remembered your daughter.  She knew your days together were numbered, and that’s why she took my eggs.  She could have had any donor egg, but she stole mine.  To punish me.   And so she could tie herself to you, but also to punish us, knowing she had something that was really ours.  We don’t know if she did, but we know she tried.  She doesn’t know we know, but we do.”

Steve took Kayla’s hand and placed it against his face.  “Kayla,” he sniffled.

“And you know what else I heard in that room?”  Steve shook his head again.  “I heard you willing to do, literally, anything to protect me.  The man who didn’t remember he loved me still dreamed about loving me.  And the man who did stopped at nothing to find me and rescue me.”  Steve was so overwhelmed.  “That’s what I heard.”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, Sweetness.  Not one thing I wouldn’t do.”

Kayla sidled right up against him.  “For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as ever lasts, my soulmate.  I love only you.  And you love only me.  Whatever comes our way.”

“I’ll never leave you.”   

They kissed very tenderly, very gingerly, and just held each other. 

The next day Shane tried to push them to go back to LA, but Kayla wasn’t willing to leave.  Part of it was because she just didn’t feel ready.  But most of it was because she didn’t want to get excited to see Stephanie and then jump before it could happen.  She didn’t want to get to see her little girl and then be pulled somewhere else without real time to enjoy her.  She would have felt selfish, except Steve wasn’t pushing her.  Which was why he was shocked at what Kayla suggested when they woke up in the morning.

“Do you want to go to the zoo?” she asked.

“The Z—you want to leave the safehouse?”  Kayla nodded.  “You feelin’ up to it?”

Kayla shrugged.  “I’m not great but I feel better and honestly a little cooped up.  It’s right over there, and it’s free.  It’s a beautiful day.  I think the sun and fresh air will be good for us.”

He wasn’t convinced she was truly well enough for this, but once it was out there, Steve wanted it to happen before she changed her mind.  He did his best to follow through on his promise and let her be the doctor, but he couldn’t help but question her ability to make it on a walking outing.  The truth was that she probably needed another day of rest and recovery, but she was quite sure that walking around a little would be good for alleviating the sore muscles and cramps.

An hour later they were watching the seals and sea lions play.  Kayla smiled at their antics, and that made Steve happy.  She’d finally eaten a real meal, and they toted around a box of popcorn from one exhibit to the next.  The big cats were lounging on the rocks of the outdoor enclosure, and it made Steve chuckle.  “I think Kitty needs a friend, baby, should be bring her home a house panther?”

“Hard pass, Mister, they don’t make a big enough litter box.”

“I guess we’re about to be engaged as staff to that little furball again.”

“You know that’s truly all we are, her servants.”

“She’s a four-legged tyrant.”

Kayla took long rests between exhibits, but she was doing well, and Steve continued to ply her with snacks that she did actually eat.  He was so relieved to see that her appetite was returning to normal.

It wasn’t until they got to the gorilla enclosure that Kayla’s mood shifted.  She had run out of steam and was sitting on the bench right in front of the far right-side window.  She was very drawn to a large female that was lounging nearby and watched eagerly as she walked right up to the window.  A very small baby was hanging from her belly; the little one had been camouflaged, but now Kayla saw him.  The mama gorilla saw Kayla staring.  She reached in front of her, pulled her child from belly and held him in the crook of her swinging arm like a football secured in her grasp.  Then she sat heavily on her own side of the window, leaning against the glass so as to show off her baby to Kayla.  The emotion of the bond was too much for her, and tears silently spilled down her face.  Steve watched with incredible awe as the gorilla placed her other hand on the glass and looked into his wife’s eyes.  Kayla knew that gorillas were intelligent, loving creatures.  But in this moment, she felt an empathy not for the gorilla, but from the gorilla for her.  She slowly matched the primate’s hand so like our own on the other side of the glass, and in that moment the two mothers understood each other. 

Steve was moved by this truly beautiful display.  He watched it as an outside observer of a connection that was not for him.  It was for Kayla, and he felt grateful that he was given the privilege of witnessing it.  He didn’t move a muscle, lest it mar the moment.  And after a time, the gorilla broke the connection and slowly shuffled away.

Kayla’s hand was still on the glass when Steve sat beside her.  She did not drop her fixed stare into the enclosure, and her tears did not ebb.  Steve didn’t know if the hormones still in her system were making things worse, and he didn’t know if her emotions were amplified, but there was no question as to whether or not they were authentic.  He gently took Kayla’s hand from the window and held it in his right, lacing her fingers into his.  Then she slowly blinked her eyes in deep emotion and rested her head on his shoulder.

“Back in Cleveland, I really thought I had our next arc figured out,” Kayla said.  “I just felt it in my bones that Time was going to send us one of our kids.”  She took an involuntary, shuddering breath, then said, “And I think it did.”

Emotion swept up Steve’s body.  He swallowed past the lump in his throat and let felt its intensity turn his disposition.  White hot anger flared inside of him.  Ava had heinously assaulted his wife.  She’d stolen their seed.  And she’d possibly created a child that belonged not to her, but to them.

They allowed themselves the intensely emotional moment where Kayla’s sadness and Steve’s anger were profound and took comfort from each other to cope. 

“I think we should go home now,” Kayla said.  “Back to LA.”

Steve nodded.  “Our girl is waiting for us.”

That night they were both truly exhausted.  Kayla’s mood swings were brutal, and Steve’s anger flared in direct correlation with those swings.  One minute she was sobbing, the next she was eagerly recalling what her schedule in LA was and trying to plan.  The purposeful need to do that helped them both.

When the phone rang, Steve’s face lit up.  “Put it on speaker again, baby!”

Kayla’s smile was joyous as she pressed the answer button of her cell phone.  “Is that my baby girl?” she answered.

“Yes, Mama!”

“Hello Beauty!”

“Mama, when are you coming home?  Aunt Kim said you were gonna be late.”

“We’re coming back tomorrow, honey.  We can’t wait to see you.”  Steve’s eye flared with a bit of shock.

“Huh?”

“Tomorrow.  Probably in the afternoon.”  Steve realized that she had no idea what she’d just said.

“What do you mean?” Stephanie questioned.  Because not a day since she was born did anything get past her.

“Baby, what are you doing?” he whispered.

Suddenly, Kayla realized her error.  “Ah … I just meant me and your Uncle Shane.”

“But he was just here.  He picked up Andrew and Jeannie.” 

Steve slapped his forehead.

Everyone was silent for a moment, and then Kayla said, “Stephanie.  I want to tell you something.”

“Kayla,” Steve warned.  He wasn’t on board with this.

“Go get your Aunt Kim, then come back and give her the phone.”

While Stephanie ran into the other room, Kayla shook her head at herself.  “I messed up!”

Steve ignored the blame and whispered, “what if we scare her?  You really wanna do this over the phone?”

But Kayla somehow felt suddenly very sure; in fact, almost driven at this point now to tell her.  “I don’t think we have a choice now.  Plus, Stephanie went investigating when she thought you were a ghost.  I don’t think she’s going to be scared.”

“Kay, what’s happening?” Kimberly came onto the line.

“Put me on speaker, Kimmie, and stay with Steph as we do this.”

“Do this?” Kim repeated.

“Stephanie,” Kayla began, “Do you think you can be a really grown up girl for me? 

“Oh, lord,” Kim said, immediately understanding.

“Because it’s really important news.”  She literally heard her daughter ready herself.  “It’s not bad news.  It’s good news.  But it’s very, very big, very grownup news.”

“Ok,” Stephanie said.  But eight years old was very different from ten, and both Kayla and Steve could hear the apprehension in the little girl’s voice. 

“I—I’m coming home tomorrow—with someone.  With your present.”

“My present is a person?!  Is it Grandma Caroline?”

Kayla laughed.  “No, it’s—”

“Is it Aunt Adrienne?!”  Steve beamed.

“No, honey, it’s—”

“IS IT A PUPPY?!”

“Kiddo, you can play 20 Questions, or you can just let your mom tell you,” Kimberly chided.  Both Steve and Kayla quietly gasped at Kim’s unknowing reference.

“Baby Girl, I’m coming home with your Papa.”

Silence.

“Stephanie?”

“My papa?”

“Your father, honey.”

Stephanie clicked her tongue.  “I know who my papa is, Mama.”  Steve couldn’t help it when he snickered at her amazing wit.  “But he’s not alive anymore.”

“Actually, Little Sweetness, I’m not dead anymore, either.”  He heard her reaction on the other end of the phone and went on before he lost his nerve.  “I have been waiting your whole life to hear your voice.  It’s a long story, but I’ve always loved you, and I didn’t want to be away from you.  I tried every day to come home.  And now I finally get to.  I—hope it’s ok—that I’m comin’ home to you now.”

Stephanie replied immediately.  “You are my papa?”

Steve was crying now but stayed clear of voice for her.  “I sure am.”

“And Mama’s bringing you home?  To stay?”

“Yes, Baby Girl, I am.  Your papa was,” she remembered what Steve had told her before, “working at his job, and they wouldn’t let him come home.  So no one knew he was alive.  Now it’s, um … safe for him to come home.”

“it wasn’t safe?”

“No, Little Sweetness, not then.  And I had to protect you and Mama, because I love you both so much.  But now it’s safe, and no one can hurt you two, it’s ok for me to come home.”

“Steve, Kayla,” Kimberly said through a wide smile they could both hear, “I wish you could see the huge, toothy smile on your girl, here.”

“I’m not toothy!  The dentist said I don’t need braces!  Wait, Papa, did you know we have a cat?”

Steve held his palm to his chest with her actually calling him Papa.  Kayla wiped away a tear that was only happy.  “I did know that, I remember when we brought her home.”

“Her name is Emily.”  Steve and Kayla just smiled at each other.  “And she’s very fuzzy.”

“Well, that’s good, we don’t want to have a fuzz-free cat, now, do we?” 

Stephanie let out cackle at the funny visual that gave her.  “She leaves her fuzz all over the house!  Do you know where we live?”

“Your papa sure does, Steph, because he’s really good at finding things.”

Stephanie and her parents proceeded to have a very long conversation about everything Stephanie felt her father needed to know.  From the car that she was already fascinated with to her school to people in their lives to the mundane things like squeaking pipes that the landlord was scared of, Stephanie informed Steve of all of it in great detail. 

Kayla delighted in the conversation, getting to live this first discovery of her father for the first time.  On the last jump Steve did this with the other her, so this was her first experience of witnessing Stephanie meet her father, and it was heartwarmingly jubilant.  Stephanie took a few tangents to update Kayla on homework and reminded her of the excitement of Katie’s birthday party invitation, which led her right back to more exposition from her for Steve. 

“When you get here, I’m going to introduce you to my stuffed animals!  There’s a lot of them, but I know they’re all going to love you!”

“That sounds great, Baby Girl,” he said.

“No, wait, I’m Little Sweetness.  Mama calls me Baby Girl, you always called me Little Sweetness.  We have home movie videos!  I asked Mama to call me Little Sweetness, but she said no, it was special that only you get to call me.”

“She did, huh?” Steve smiled sadly.  He reached for Kayla’s hand and she squeezed it.

“Yeah, and now you can!  I can’t wait ‘til you and Mama get here!  Do you know how to get here, Papa?”  She turned to Kim and got a very worried look on her face.  “Can you give him directions, Aunt Kim?  I—I—”  Suddenly her demeanor was going south.  “What if he doesn’t know how to get here?!”  Kayla was now terrified that she’d done the wrong thing.

“Stephanie,” Steve said very calmly in a low baritone that Stephanie felt in instant connection.  “Listen to me, Little Sweetness.  I know how to get to the house.  Your Mama and I are together right now, and we’re getting on a plane tomorrow morning and going right home.”

“Are—are you sure?  I don’t want you to get lost.”

“I won’t.”

“Mama, are you sure you guys know how to get home?”

“Yes, baby,” Kayla promised.  “We know the way.  Papa knows it so well he could get there with his eyes closed.”

“Ok,” Stephanie replied more calmly.  “Do—do we have to hang up?”

“Well, Kiddo, if you want ‘em to come home, we should probably let them go pack.”

“Ok.”  She clearly didn’t want to end the call.  “But—can we talk just a little more?”

Both Steve and Kayla knew their daughter, younger version, notwithstanding; she was beyond her years in so many ways, but she was also just an eight-year-old little girl who’d just been told the biggest news of her young life, and that little girl was not ready to hang up the phone yet.  And her parents were both thrilled for that to be the case.

“Of course, we can,” Kayla replied bittersweetly, “Right, Steve?”

“Baby, how can we hang up just yet, I still haven’t heard the names of these stuffed animals and which ones are BFFs.”

Stephanie rose to this occasion with palpable relief mixed with giddiness.  The conversation never dulled, it never waned, and it was so natural that the newness of the relationship would’ve fooled anyone who didn’t know any better. 

Finally, Stephanie started yawning, and now it really was time to go.  Stephanie said goodnight, and she was warmed from the inside out to hear not one, but both parents tell her how much they loved her.  Then Steve said one more thing.

“Hey, Little Sweetness, your Mama is bringing you a present, but did you know I have one for you, too?”

“You do?  What is it?”

“Well, I was thinkin’.  You ever hear of a wizard named Harry Potter?”

It was very late as they laid in the small bed in this small bedroom of this safehouse within this very debilitating jump.  Their emotions had been up, down, over, and through just today, alone.  The joy of talking to Stephanie juxtaposed with the abject sadness and sheer anger, and it made for mental and emotional exhaustion.  Kayla also too a bit of a physical hit from being out and about, and Steve was honestly feeling a little achy himself from his own physical strain.  They didn’t feel quite ready to go home this morning, but now in the last hours of this day, they definitely did.

Kayla was cuddled up against Steve’s chest.  She wore the same tee shirt and sweatpants, he wore just underwear, and Kayla enjoyed the feel of his bare skin beneath her cheek.  She stroked her thumb against his pectoral muscle affectionately, and Steve unconsciously did the same with his thumb against her head as his hand rested protectively on the back of her head.

“What do you want to do about all this?” Steve asked quietly.  “When we get home?”  The fact that he referenced home as a when and not an if was usually – and would again – be its own philosophical discussion, but right now was just assumed as a given. 

“I don’t know,” she replied with honesty.  “I’m devastated, and I want her to pay.  But I’m not sure what I want us to do.  What do you want to do?”

“I hate her, Kayla.  I want her to pay for what she did to you.  When we get home, I want her arrested and thrown in lockup forever.”

Kayla nodded into Steve’s shoulder.  “But what do we do?” she repeated with unspoken emphasis on chasing down if a child was created.  “What if someone is out there?”

Steve was silent for a long time while the question hung in the air  Kayla was patient as she waited for him to answer.  When he did he sounded a little defeated, but also very rational.  “She has two eggs.  We know she has only two.  That’s two opportunities, and we don’t know that they made it inside her or anyone else.  I think we can choose to obsess on what if, and we can choose to let it eat us up.  Or we can choose to keep on living and cross that bridge if we come to it.”

“So you’re saying you don’t want to look for our child?”

Steve’s eyes stung.  “Do you?”

Kayla thought about that last powerful statement about what they could choose.  There were two paths in front of Kayla.  She would never turn away her child.  Never.  But there were few opportunities to know if that child existed while they were in the slipstream.  Once they were out if it – if they ever came out of it – would be the time to have this conversation.

“I do want to know for sure if we have another baby out there that Ava stole from us.  But not right now.  Not until we have a reason to know.  Not while we’re in here.”

Steve kissed Kayla’s head.  Once she said it, he realized he felt the same way.  “Me, too, Sweetness.  We should get her into a cold jail cell when we get home, and we should find out for sure if we have a child.  But not until we’re home.”

Kayla leaned up on her side and gazed down at her husband.  “Are you sure?  That’s what you want?  You’re not just saying what you think I want?”

He reached up and rubbed her bottom lip with his thumb.  “I’m sure, Sweetness.”

“You are worth everything I’ve ever gone through, Steve.  Loving you, being loved by you.  It’s worth fighting anything for.  Don’t ever think you’re not everything to me.  Even when the times get so very tough.  Don’t ever doubt that I’ll walk through any fire to fight for you.”  She stroked a finger down Steve’s patch and kissed him with gentle lips.

“Kayla.  Baby.  I love you.”

They were not content with this decision; it wasn’t exactly all wrapped up with a little bow.  But they were very sure of their decision; because anything else would have crippled them.  It would have become their sole drive – chasing ghosts that may or may not even be there.  What Ava did to them happened, it was going to affect them, there was no way around that.  But of the two paths before them, they chose to live in spite of the fact that this happened, and not be held hostage by it. 

Kayla was relieved to feel herself drift off to sleep.  She still felt pretty unwell, and the safety of Steve’s arms and the knowledge that they were returning home to Stephanie comforted her.  Steve felt his wife beside him like a balm on his pain.  There was nothing in this world more important to him than Kayla, and all he wanted to do now was take her home and be with her and his beautiful daughter for as long as this destination lasted.

Steve and Kayla fell asleep in each other’s arms.  Kayla jumped in her sleep just before the sun came up, and Steve followed 12.2 seconds later.  They left this destination having correctly speculated on most of the monumental discoveries they’d made.  Reasons, means, motives, outcomes – most of them accurate.  They didn’t know for sure one way or the other, but they were each other’s enduring sources of courage to have faith in their decisions.  And they were going to need it, because this was only the beginning of an arc that was not going to get any easier.

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