Find Me – Chapter 160

March 21, 1990

Dear Steve,

Today is my 5^th day here in this jump without you.  Of course, the other you is here, you come every day, and you’ve been wonderful.  But it’s been so hard.  I didn’t think anything could be harder than age 10, but now with Stephanie needing me, knowing Sheila is out there, and being here stuck in prison, it’s a whole different kind of hard.  I have so much to tell you, and I don’t know where to begin. 

I think first I need to say that you are an incredible father.  I’ve always known that’s true, because there’s nothing that makes me happier than watching you with our babies.  But seeing you with Stephanie, being her father for the first time, has brought me to tears every time you come visit.  I’m seeing you like an observer, knowing now what I didn’t know then, and Steve you’re not a good father, you’re a great father.  You love her, you put her first, you know exactly what she needs before she needs it.  I see the way she looks at you.  She’s only four weeks old, and she looks at you like you’re her moon and stars.  Because you are.  And you’re both mine.  I’m so proud of you.  I’m so proud that you’re my husband and that you’re Stephanie’s daddy.  Never doubt that you are the best father on this earth.

Kayla stopped and wiped the tears from her eyes.  Like so many of them that she’d shed in the last five days, they were both bitter and sweet. 

I also have to tell you straight away that I see now just how much you blame yourself for me being in here.  I see the guilt on your face and in the things you say.  I knew it back then, too, but now it’s so much more heartbreaking.  And I want you to know, again, I forgive you.  I forgave you a long time ago, and I still forgive you.  You beat yourself up every day, and I know that it’s still with you 30 years later.  I love you baby, and I’m begging you to forgive yourself.

The first day I jumped in you and Stephanie were visiting me.  I know what I was supposed to do, but I panicked.  I was eventually able to tell you it was Isabella, but I worried that Sheila was going to get into your lives, so I focused on that and almost messed the whole thing up.  But you’ve been here every day, you fired her, and Roman (still Roman) says he’s got surveillance on the house.  You bring Stephanie to see me every day.  It’s the light in my days!  That’s the good news.  The bad news is that Victor is making it really difficult to get the proof that it was Isabella, and she’s not remembering, so I’m still here.  

Steve this jump can’t be a coincidence.  We were dealing with Ava did, you brought up Marina and all that guilt, and the next thing that happens is we jump here to that whole mess?  I can’t believe it’s a coincidence.  I just can’t.  And I also think that the extreme measures we’re taking are doing something to the jump sickness.  My eardrum is rupturing and bleeding now, it happened on this jump and the last one.  I think it’s the slipstream starting to collapse.

Roman came to see me today, he says he’s getting close to what Mickey needs to vacate the guilty verdict.  In the meantime, even though I see the other you every day, I miss you terribly. 

I love you,

Kayla

Kayla placed the yellow legal pad back on her tiny, metal desk and tossed the pen on top of it.  Like the last four nights before this she’d waited until the cellblock was asleep before she began her nightly entry into what had become this journal.  It was like ticking off days on a calendar by writing to him one page per day.  The first four pages weren’t as organized as a journal entry, but this was the first night she’d actually written to him.  She thought like Steve had done in LA before she’d arrived into herself, it might help her cope, and she was right.  As she rolled over and closed her eyes to try to sleep, she did feel a better sense of calm.

Back on Day 1, this destination’s Steve had been true to his word and went directly to Roman from the prison.  As a result, the man arrived on his sister’s proverbial doorstep very first thing in the morning on Day 2.  He insisted she tell him everything she knew and why she was so sure it was Isabella.  Kayla skirted the details, which made Roman more persistent.  Still, she was adamant and no matter what he threw at her to test if this could possibly be true, Kayla stuck to her guns, gave him facts, and told him where to verify them.

“Roman, the proof is at Victor’s house.  I’m telling you.”

“Well without a warrant, I got no hope of gettin’ in there to get it, so how ‘bout you start giving me something more to go on.”

Kayla knew what this was really about and just cut to the chase.  “Roman, I know you care about her.”

“What are you tryin’ to say, Sis?  That I’m trying to protect her instead of you?”

“No, not at all.  But I know you’re struggling and want to believe it’s not her, because you’re falling in love with her.”  Roman tried to cut her off, but Kayla ran over him.  “You have her earring, right?  And you’re trying to look for ways that maybe it’s not hers, but you know that it is.  It came off during their struggle.  I know it’s the only evidence you have, but you don’t have to go to Italy and research the Toscanos, you can just talk to her.  She’ll tell you.”

“She’ll tell me?  So she’s lying to me right now?” he asked genuinely.

“Actually, ah … no.  No, she’s not lying, she’s just not really remembering it, ah, just yet.”

“What?” Roman whined.

“How do I explain this,” Kayla said under her breath, “I thought this would be easier.”

“Easy?  Kid, there’s nothin’ easy about it!”

“Victor is Isabella’s real father.  He’s keeping the tape hidden to protect her, because he knows.  He tried to frame me to protect her, it’s that simple.”

Roman sat back against the chair as if in slow motion.  “Victor’s her father?” 

“She doesn’t know.”

“How do you know?” 

Kayla crossed her arms and looked away.  “I can’t tell you.”

“Sis, come on!”

“I’m from the future and know a lot of things.”

Roman looked at her sideways, and Kayla got a very strange feeling that he maybe actually believed her. 

“Something’s off about you, Sis.  I dunno what it is, but I wouldn’t actually put that past you.”

Roman did not sound like he was kidding.  She remembered snips and snaps of John’s reactions to her when they’d gone to rescue Steve from Stefano’s mountain compound; he’d somehow known then that she wasn’t what she seemed, and the look he was giving her now was very much in line with that.  Kayla looked away, not because she was hiding facts from him, but because she was freaked out.  

“Her father.  Her father?”  Roman fell into the back of the chair with a huff and let all of the pieces fall into place with that very salient piece of information.  Then he stood up so suddenly the movement made Kayla jump.  “I’ve gotta go to Italy.”

“We just talked about this, Roman, no you don’t!” she stood up to match his stance.  “That’s a lot of wasted time, just go get the tape!”

“With what warrant?  What I need is in Italy.”

“What you need is right here in Salem, Roman, please, if I’m gonna be here, then I have to get home to my baby!  Please, listen to me.”  Kayla was starting to feel run down, the postpartum body she’d jumped into wasn’t at its best.  She rubbed at her brow.  This was supposed to be easy, just tell them whodunnit, get the hell out of prison.    

Roman saw her physical reaction and was concerned.  “Sis, you feelin’ ok?”

“No, Roman!!” she yelled at him.  “I had a baby less than four weeks ago, and I’m spending my time recovering in a drafty, musty jail cell!  I’m bloated, I’m hormonal, I just weened my baby daughter against my will, and I’m doing it all without my husband or my baby, so how the hell do you think I’m feeling?!”

Roman felt immediately terrible.  He gave her a pitiful look and reached for her hands through the grate.  “I’m sorry, Buttercup.  I know you’re feelin’ lousy.”

“Roman, I’m mostly feeling desperate to get home.  Did Steve tell you about Sheila?”

He nodded and explained to her that after checking out the woman’s real name and the alias she’d given Steve, they found that all her references were fake, and she’d gone to a lot of trouble to manipulate her way into Stephanie’s orbit.  Tears glistened in Kayla’s eyes, and she felt her pulse in her neck.  She knew the signs that the amplification effect was coming for her, so she forced herself to center, but it was very difficult.  It did, however, have an effect on Roman, who assured her that he was having the house watched 24/7 and had put a tail on Sheila.  It was like a little pre-crime unit, and Kayla grinned slightly for just a moment at what Steve would have said of her comparison of this to the movie, Minority Report.  She thanked Roman for all of this, but she was right back to arguing with him when he said he had to look in Italy.

“Why?  What could you possibly hope to find there that I haven’t already given you?”

“How about proof?” he insisted for the umpteenth time.

“Roman, do you trust me?”

“Of all us kids, you’re the one I trust most.  Don’t you know that?” 

“Then trust me now that I don’t have an explanation for you.  You have to get into Victor’s and get the tape or get Isabella to tell you.  I know how you feel about her but believe me, it’s self-defense, and you won’t be sacrificing her for me.  You can do it with a clear conscience!”

“Sis, do you really think I’d sacrifice you?  Ok, yes, I care about her,” he admitted, mostly to himself.  “But freeing you is all I care about.  It’s all I’ve been doin’ for months.”  Kayla smiled warmly at the man that wasn’t really her brother.  She recalled him pouring his heart out to her after a similar conversation about Isabella.  He wanted her to know that no matter what, she was his sister, and her well-being took priority over his feelings for the woman he didn’t yet know was going to become his wife.  He repeated a similar version of it to her now, telling her that she’d never given him a moment of grief, even when their siblings made his life a challenge.  “Ya know why that is, baby sister?”

“’Cause you’re my big brother, and I love you.” she said softly.  And regardless of the fact that he was not her brother, he felt every bit the Roman Brady, big brother, that he believed he was.  It wasn’t the first time, either.  There were so many times that he was Roman to her on these jumps, and the truth was she felt comforted by his protective, sibling presence, and she really did love him.

Kayla took his fingers into hers like she had with her husband and let the tears roll down her face.  “Please don’t go to Italy.  Time is the only thing more precious than freedom, and if you go, I’ll be losing both of them.  Please find a way with Isabella or the tape.”

“Ok, Buttercup,” he reluctantly agreed.  “Give me a day or two, I’ll find a way.” 

But four days later she was still there. 

March 22, 1990

Dear Steve,

Well, I’m still here in jail.  I don’t know if we were naïve or if this is just much harder than we planned, but even after just telling John every single thing he needs to know, it’s just not enough to get me out.  Victor is doing everything he can to protect Isabella.  John is trying, though, we both know that he is. 

I miss you so much.  Every day when you come to see me, I can tell without even asking you about Stockholm that it’s not you yet.  But you’ve been wonderful.  You want to take care of me, and it’s killing you that you can’t.  I have to do something about this guilt.  But you should see the way you hold Stephanie.  Like you were born to be her papa.  I love watching you be a daddy again.  It’s the only joy in this place.  Watching you with her.  I love you.

Love, Kayla

The next day Kayla woke up to drumbeats raining down in a deluge upon the jail.  The storm had begun sometime in the night, and by morning, puddles were forming on the roof that could easily be heard taking on the thick rain pouring down into them.  The mess hall, the laundry, the canteen, and her cell – all of them reverberated with the sound of the storm.  Just after she opened her eyes on the storming morning she began her day.  She dressed in the rough, colorless, beige prison uniform.  She tied her hair back in a loose braid she could barely care less about.  She slipped on the uncomfortable sneakers so she could walk off the bloat and discomfort of a body trying to get back to normal.  She dutifully went to the mess hall for a breakfast that she didn’t eat.  And she cursed the shooting pains in her weened breasts.  When her usual visiting time from Steve and Stephanie came and went without them, she got very down.  They’d never missed one, and she feared that the storm had kept them away.  Two hours later at nearly 3pm, Jodi walked in with a box. 

“What’s happening?” Kayla asked as Jodi unlocked her cell.

“It’s moving day,” Jodi said, “let’s pack up your cell.”

“Wait, already?  That’s not possible, I’ve got at least another month before, um.”  She elected not to mention her escape on the day of her planned transfer to the women’s prison and just trailed off instead, but she was definitely confused.  The women’s prison was a place she never ended up going, so what was this all about?  “Don’t I have more time here?”

“Nope.  Time to go.”

Jodi was emotionless, and Kayla didn’t like it.  The sympathetic guard had been nothing but good to her for the months she was there last time, and the days she was there this time, so this sudden poker face was concerning.  Kayla craned her neck to the right to see if maybe the warden was watching her.

“W-w-wait, I haven’t had my visit yet today.  And it’s storming out.”

“Is this it?” Jodi asked, referencing the box.  It was filled with all of six personal items and no clothes, as those would be issued upon her arrival to the new facility.  “Two hair clips, two ponytail holders, legal pad, pen.  Where’s your shower caddy with all your toiletries?”  Kayla grabbed it from beside the desk, and it was paramount to her since she was still bleeding from having Stephanie.  Jodi took it and placed it into the box before securing it with the lid.  “Ok, out we go,” she said, “say goodbye.”

Kayla was starting to panic.  “This isn’t how it happened last time, did I make things worse?  How am I already moving, I should have at least another month!”

“You want your hair up like that for the car ride, or down?

“I-I-I don’t care, I guess?  Is Steve coming to see me off?  Does he know where I’m going?”  How could things be going worse instead of better.  For a second she thought maybe she had her timing wrong, it was so long ago; but the clap of thunder outside reminded her, there was no weather surrounding her escape, so this was new and ahead of schedule.

Kayla didn’t give a second glance to the truly awful cell, nor would she miss the smell of industrial paint that fell about the place.  Then she dutifully followed her only ally in there through the corridors.  A few women shouted not-so-nicely to her, and a few winked, but Kayla just focused on her guard and the ordering of her thoughts on what she needed to do next.  At least this is really different so the slipstream can break some more.

Kayla was brought into the Warden’s office.  The slight, older woman with blonde hair got up from her desk and said, “Thank you, Jodi,” with a nod.  Kayla turned around just in time to see her guard smile at her. 

“Surprise,” Jodi said, her demeanor completely back to normal.

“Surprise?”

Jodi stepped aside and positively beamed as Steve walked into the room holding a bouquet of yellow tea roses. “Hey baby,” he said with a real joy she had yet to hear from him on this jump.

“I’m gonna miss you, Kayla,” Jodi said.  Then she briefly glanced at the warden before bucking protocol and right in front of her boss gave Kayla a meaningful hug.  Kayla hugged her back, saw a smile on Steve’s face that couldn’t have been any wider, and was afraid to hope.  Jodi held her away by the shoulders, winked at Steve, then grinned before backing away and shutting the door on the three of them. 

“Steve!”  Kayla smiled but was wary.  “What-what’s happening?”

Steve responded by gathering her up in his arms and holding her so tight that it was all Kayla could do to get a breath.  And she loved it.  His strong arms practically vibrated around her, she could feel his energy like electricity.  The warmth of his embrace swept through her and gave her such a feeling of …

… safety.

Kayla knew this must be it.  She was being released.  The smell of the roses Steve still held over her shoulder was lovely; and the way she felt wrapped up in Steve’s arms felt so good.  It was such a comfort to the darkness that she’d been fighting against for what felt like forever.  She nuzzled her head into Steve’s neck and let herself feel the cool, black leather on her face.  She never wanted his tight embrace to end.  She wanted to feel this love and devotion until the end of time.  She burrowed into him and felt him react to it.

“Sweetness,” Steve sighed into her hair.  “Sweetness I can’t believe I’m holdin’ you like this.  I can’t believe it, I’m really holding you.”

“Is it true?” she asked.  “Am I going home?”

“It’s true, baby!  You’re out.  That’s what’s happening, you’re out!”

“I’m out?  I’m out out?!”

“Out out, Sweetness!

“I’m going home?!”  Steve gave Kayla the roses, and she held them to her nose so she could breathe them in.

“Yes, Miss. Brady,” the warden said, “the papers were filed today, all charges have been dropped, and you’ve been officially released.”  The warden was not unkind, but she was all business.  “You’re very lucky to have a brother and husband as tenacious as they are.”

Kayla was so relieved she let out something between a laugh and a sob. 

“Please, have a seat, and we’ll get the papers in order.”

“Where’s Stephanie?” 

“She’s at home with our moms.  They’re a real team the two of ‘em.”  Kayla got a worried look on her face.  “I would’ve brought her, but the storm’s real bad, I was afraid to put her in the car.”  Kayla nodded.  It made sense.  “She’s safe, Sweetness.  Roman’s still got a car watching the house.  It was that or wait to come get you, and I wasn’t leaving you in here another minute longer than I had to.”  Kayla tried to smile for him, but Sheila had locked Jo in their closet to get to the baby the first time, then evaded good guys and bad guys alike for weeks.  So, she definitely had it in her to overpower two grandmothers to get to Stephanie. 

Steve took Kayla’s hand across their two chairs and kissed it.  She could see that he wanted to kiss her, but the warden was not going anywhere, so he was holding back.  The display reminded her that this Steve had not been able to really touch her or hold her or kiss her in weeks.  And he also wasn’t 100% sure that they were 100% ok after the mess with Marina had led to all this.  Kayla held her husband’s gaze in silence and tried to instill in him that they were.

Jodi returned with Kayla’s release papers, and everything went very fast from there.  Everyone stepped out so she could change into the clothes she last wore when the jury pronounced her guilty, she emerged to another hug from Jodi, and before she knew it, they were making a mad dash in the rain for the car. 

Steve had her box of belongings with the bouquet inside it in his left arm, and her left hand in his right as they ran the short distance to the car, where he then fumbled for the keys.  When he did not immediately come up with them Steve held her box over her head in a pointless effort to keep her dry.  It was hopeless, though, and in no time flat, they were both drenched.  Kayla couldn’t help it, she busted up laughing at how silly this must look.  The sound filled Steve’s ears with such happiness that he did, too.  His wet hair was plastered over his patch, and hers had completely come out of the loose braid she’d left the prison in and was now hanging in wet pieces about her face.  Basically, the two of them looked like drowned rats standing there having dual laughing fits.  The mutual release of angst, tension, and real emotion that, in this case, manifested as laughter caused tears to mingle with the rain, and they had to just wait it out as the laughter took its course. 

“I’m sorry,” Kayla giggled as Steve raked his hair back with his fingers, “I dunno why this strikes me as so funny!”

“’Cause it is funny, baby!  Whoo!”

“Ok, well, it’s a good thing the car has leather seats!”  She wiped at her eyes as if she had makeup on to salvage, which she didn’t, before taking a deep breath.  “I’m a mess, here.  I can’t see myself, but I’m sure it’s quite a look.”

Steve’s laughter trailed off, and his face turned to something more reverent.  He couldn’t stop looking at her.  Her hair had gotten so long, and her big pregnant belly had diminished just a little bit every day in the last four weeks.  Now between the rain weighing these maternity clothes down on her smaller frame, and the fact that he hadn’t been this close to her since the baby was born, Steve was overwhelmed with emotion.  He tipped her chin up to look at him.  “You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life, Kayla.  Right here.  Right now.  You look like all those days on my doorstep in the rain beggin’ me to love you.”  Kayla gave him a melancholy smile.  He took her wet face in his palms and stroked his thumbs across the tops of her cheeks.  “Did you know I already did?  All those times, I already loved you.”

Kayla nodded.  “I know.”

“I wish you’d known then.  I’d never loved anyone – anyone, Kayla – like I’d already fallen in love with you.  And you are beautiful, Sweetness.  I love you so much.  Then and now, you’re beautiful, and I love you.”  Then he brought her lips to his and kissed her.  It was soft and gentle and filled with every bit of meaning that his words had just spoken.  He wasn’t holding back any passion or sexual need, because this kiss wasn’t about that; this kiss was about how much he needed her to know how loved she was.  And if there was ever a time that she needed to feel the safety and comfort of being loved by Steve – any Steve – this was one of them.  So, she took his kiss, returned it, and let it do what it had intended.  Love her.

Kayla had started to shiver in the cold, so Steve finally got the car unlocked and cranked the heat the second it hummed to life.  Then he rubbed his hands together before taking hers in them to warm her.  She was still shivering, so he took off his leather jacket and put it around her shoulders.

“What about you?”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“No, Steve—”

“Shh.  Don’t worry about me,” he repeated.  I’m a walking furnace.”  Kayla went ahead and backed down, because that was pretty true.  So, she threaded her arms through it and felt his presence shroud her. 

Steve’s need to take care of his wife and for them to be ok was something tangible between them.  She couldn’t remember feeling it like this then, maybe because they were embroiled with finding Stephanie and so much more time had gone by when they were finally home with her, back to normal, and getting remarried.  But now she was feeling it acutely, like something she could pick up and hold in her hands.  It was those hands Steve now took into his own again and brought to his lips to kiss her fingertips.  They usually avoided engaging too fully with their destination counterparts, but this time Kayla felt compelled to.  Because this time when he touched her, she felt his soul reaching for her.  He was so wracked with guilt.  Just like he was for what Ava had done to her in Chicago.  All because I picked her, she recalled Steve agonizing.  This was no different.  She could tell by the crease in his eye that he was feeling it literally at this moment. 

It wasn’t a struggle that the Steve of this time didn’t feel, but it was new for him at this moment.  Because everything had changed, and now the Steve who belonged here was forging new time along with Kayla.  And this Steve was definitely struggling.  He could feel that something was off in the way she looked at him and the sound of her voice.  And he just knew it was because she’d missed her baby’s first month of life.  Nothing could be more important, and he took that away from her.  The guilt plaguing him after this imprisonment was so much more than it was when he’d gotten her home from Victor’s imprisonment.  He’d asked her that day they got home if they could please start over, and she didn’t hesitate.  But that was before she’d been locked in prison for murdering Marina.  A woman he brought into their lives.  It never would have happened if he’d just have been honest with her.  And now he was fraught with guilt.  He could feel that his wife wasn’t right, and he knew in his soul that loved her so much that it all came down to what he’d done. 

Steve wrestled with wanting to say all this to Kayla right now, or to sweep it aside some more and simply get them home.  It was in that moment that Kayla made his decision for him by reaching up, caressing his face, and telling him the one thing that could calm his worry for them.  “It’s ok,” she said gently.  “It’s going to be ok now.”

Steve laid his hand over hers cupping his face.  “You sure?” 

Kayla nodded.  “We’re ok.” 

She sounded so sincere.  Her eyes were so serious when she said those words that meant everything to him – that they were ok.  But something didn’t connect, and he was still scared.  But her words were the band-aid he needed right now, and the thrill of her touch still calmed him enough take her hand from his face, kiss her palm, then finally put the car into gear.  “Let’s get you home to your daughter, baby.”

She could tell that Steve wasn’t convinced yet.  She could have told him to wait, so they could talk about this, but thoughts of Sheila taking her little girl overtook her, and she was back to the laser focus of getting home.  It was a very difficult ride home as the storm wreaked serious havoc with traffic.  Downed power lines, huge tree limbs, and every manner of lawn furniture to garbage cans littered the streets; it was all Steve could do to navigate it all safely.  Even so, he managed to bring her up to speed on how the release happened. 

In the real timeline, it took all the way until April for Kayla to run away to Australia, and then the end of May for them to get their daughter back.  In this timeline it was March 23^rd, she was released a month ahead of schedule, Australia wasn’t going to happen, and Stephanie would never be kidnapped.  On the one hand, this was excellent for the future they wanted for the slipstream; on the other hand, she was now in uncharted territory.  Alone.

The thought of her two years out in the ether now happening to her husband wound into her thoughts.  Is that how it was going to be?  Was she going to have to find a way without him for potentially years?  And what’s more, she was on her way to the house.  The last time she’d seen it was when she was mother to another baby from another time.  A baby she would never stop mourning.  How was she going to bear this without a Steve who understood?  Who’d known that baby?  And who’d mourn with her?  All of this while Steve obliviously went into full on exposition of exactly how Kayla’s release all went down.  Now, sitting here in this car hearing a nearly exact scenario to her first exoneration, Kayla had to face that after seven solid days, her Steve wasn’t here.  Two years.  What if it’s two years?  How much longer until 16?  Was it four more?  Six more?  She’d lost track, and now she could feel the hypertension starting to take hold.  Kayla tried very hard to focus on Steve’s voice and be in the moment of his explanation, but her emotions were getting the best of her, and she needed him.  He wasn’t her Steve, but at this moment she didn’t care.  She just didn’t.  She wanted to just melt into his arms and be comforted from all the depression surrounding her for so long.  She wanted to do the same for him and assuage the guilt. No, Kayla, she admonished herself, get a grip.  She took a deep breath and was able to release this, pushing her husband’s whereabouts aside and forcing herself into the present. 

Steve’s attention was evenly split between driving safely and explaining how Roman had made it into Victor’s attic, so he didn’t notice how much her attention had wandered.  By now her eyes had made it back to him.  “So we not only heard the whole tape, baby, but we got hold of it, now, too.”  Steve’s use of the pronoun, “we” grabbed Kayla’s attention.

“We?”

“Roman played it for me.  The whole thing this time.  He said Isabella was crushed when she heard how she’d killed her sister, Sweetness.  She really didn’t realize what she’d done.  You were right.”  He took a moment to eye his wife, and she could see how badly he wanted to ask her how she knew.  She was grateful when he, at least for now, let it lie.

Finally, they arrived home, and despite Kayla’s reservations, once they pulled up, she was just so happy to see the place.  Spring blooms had begun to pop up around the big circle drive in little buds of white, yellow, and pink, and the huge trees on their property were sprouting with the very beginnings of green leaves.  The big porch swing seemed to summon her with its own silent welcome, begging to be sat in.  She locked eyes with its white wood and flowery blanket over the back and couldn’t wait to accommodate its invitation.

“Our house,” she whispered.  “I’ve really missed it.  It’s been so long.”

“Too long, Sweetness.  But you’re home, now, and we’re never letting you go again.”

Suddenly, she felt an overpowering need to have her daughter in her arms.  She felt the connection to the baby right through the brick walls and had to hold her before she crumbled.  Kayla barreled out of the car and without so much as a glance anywhere else, she made a beeline for the front door and ran in.  The smell hit her like the epic nostalgia trip it was.  Her mother’s pot roast, the freshly varnished wood of the living room, and the unmistakable scent of baby wipes and formula assailed her.  They were the smells of her happiest times.  Comfort, safety, and unconditional love.  And they brought tears to her eyes.

“Stephanie!” Kayla yelled to her daughter as she ran right into the livingroom.  “Stephanie, I’m home!  Mommy’s home, Baby Girl!”

“Oh, honey!” Caroline blurted as Kayla appeared so suddenly before her.  “Kayla!  You’re home!  Oh, thank God, you’re home!”  Tears rimmed Caroline’s eyes at the beautiful sight of Kayla free and home.  Stephanie was Kayla’s baby, but Kayla was hers, and the love she had for her was just as strong as Kayla’s was for Stephanie.

“Mom … Oh, mom!”  Kayla was near breakdown as she took in the familiar visage of this time’s version of her mother holding her granddaughter.  Before another word could be spoken, and despite the fact that Kayla was clearly wet, Caroline transferred the little bundle to her mother. 

Kayla closed her eyes to the feel of Stephanie in her arms.  She rubbed her chin along the little girl’s smooth, baby head and stroked the back of it with her fingertips.  She inhaled and formed a new sense memory with the smell of her.  “Stephanie,” Kayla cooed as she held the baby out to look at her.  “Oh Baby Girl.  I’ve missed you so much!  You’re so little.  My god, it’s been so long since I held you like this!”  Just a week ago she’d had a conversation with this little baby.  She was going a mile a minute about Katie’s birthday party and introducing her stuffed animals to her newly discovered father and explaining what it was going to be like taking care of their cat who sometimes liked to drink from the toilet.  Kayla had been looking forward to the joy that taking care of this little girl was going to be for her.  The utter heartache of having that ripped away from her with this jump was now softened with the realization that Time had given her a gift.  Because for the first time, she was going to be able to parent her infant.  She was deprived of that in their real timeline until she was more than three months old.  Now Kayla had it.  And despite what was happening to them, that it was currently happening without Steve, and that she had to navigate so much strife, Kayla was grateful.  She was so very grateful to have this opportunity that had been stolen from her 20 years ago. 

Kayla kissed Stephanie’s little cheek before bringing her back against her shoulder.  She palmed the back of her perfect head and couldn’t stop running her cheek against it.  She inhaled her over and over and cooed little words of love and happiness to her daughter.  She didn’t know how long she’d been in that bubble of just her and her first born child before opening her eyes to her surroundings.  Jo had run in from the kitchen, Steve was in the entryway to the foyer, and Caroline was right in her same spot.  All of them were watching reverently and quietly weeping at the beautiful display of this mother’s love for her daughter.  Caroline felt a ferocious love and protective pride watching her child’s devotion to her own child.  Jo felt Kayla’s unconditional love for Stephanie like it was alive and standing there with them; she’d acted on her own once and recognized the same resolve in Kayla.  And Steve was overcome.  He was simply overcome with what his wife almost lost.  What he’d caused her to almost lose.  And what it had cost himself.  Because of what he’d done.  And not done.  And secrets he’d kept.  And he thanked God in that moment for giving him another chance and begged Him to continue to let him put things right. 

Stephanie’s beautiful little soul felt the emotions in the room, because she was a perceptive little baby.  She didn’t know what they meant, and she didn’t know that she was part of a timeline that was going to cease to be.  But she felt her family around her, and she felt the love of her mother.  Her kisses and soft voice lulled her.  Her arms held her in a warm blanket of comfort and safety.  There wasn’t anything in Stephanie’s orbit in this moment that wasn’t filled with goodness.  And it made her contentedly happy.  

Kayla saw everyone around her crying, including herself, and let out a laugh of relief.  “Hi,” she said to the room through a genuine smile.”

“Well, hi, yourself,” Jo replied first.  “Oh, Kayla,” she sniffled, “It’s so good to have you home!”  Instead of going to embrace her daughter-in-law, though, she went to her son, who was squinting through tears he tried and failed to hold back.  “Come here, son,” she whispered to him.  Without any resistance, Steve leaned down over his mother’s shoulder and let her comfort him with her loving arms.

Kayla felt many things right now, nothing more strongly than the relief to be here with her baby.  But the fact that her husband – the one of this time – was displaying this raw vulnerability in front of not just his mother, but hers, struck her.  She knew a lot about how he was feeling then, but she knew so much more now, and the effect that his actions were having on him were threatening to swallow him whole. 

Caroline doled out Kleenexes to the lot of them, and eventually convinced her daughter to go upstairs and dry off while they got dinner together.  Kayla was almost completely unwilling to part with her daughter, but she had needs to attend to, and Caroline insisted that Steve take her upstairs and get her taken care of.  Only because it was time for Stephanie’s nap was she willing to put the baby down.  Kayla made Steve double check that the front and back doors were secure, then she put Stephanie down in her bassinet under the watchful eyes of her grandparents and headed up the stairs of their big, beautiful house for the first time in years.  Steve had a protective hand on the small of her back as she ascended the stairs, and she liked his closeness.  She also liked the feel of the wooden banister beneath her palm and the contentment this house always gave her.  When she turned the corner into their bedroom, it was like coming home.  It wasn’t quite being home, because her Steve wasn’t there yet.  But it was close.  She inhaled sharply when Steve flicked the light on.  They’d painted the walls a different color when they lived here starting in 1987, so except for a couple very brief, early jumps, she hadn’t seen this original shade of cornflower blue in 30 real time years.  The calming color and matching comforter of the made bed offset the dark cherry wood of their bedroom furniture.  Steve had taken the roses and placed them in a vase in the center of the dresser directly opposite their bed; they lit up the room as they welcomed her home.

“You ok?” Steve asked.

“Yeah.  I just—can’t believe I’m back.  It feels like—so long.”

“It was so long, Sweetness.” 

If only you knew.

“We should get you out of those wet clothes.  Everything’s exactly where you left it, all the laundry’s done, and I even laid out your favorite robe.” 

Kayla looked over to the bathroom and had a feeling what she needed most was probably not there, because this was not a Steve who’d been through postpartum recovery with her.  “I don’t suppose you have any pads in there for me?”

“Pads.  You mean tampons?”

“Not quite.  I need pads, because I’m going to be bleeding for a couple more weeks.”

“You—oh.  Wait, why?”

“Because the placenta creates a wound where it comes away from the womb.”

“No, I know that.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I read about all this stuff, I know what’s going on there.  You think I don’t know what you’re goin’ through?”  She knew that 2009 Steve understood it all better than most.  But she had no idea that 1990 Steve did.  By the time they’d boarded the plane for Australia this early part of her recovery was over.  “I mean why pads instead of tampons.”

Kayla smiled, because he continued to surprise her.  She explained why she’d continue to need the pads, and Steve rubbed his chin.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that.  I can run out to the drugstore right now.”

“No, don’t do that.  We just got back, and the storm is awful.  I have some.”  Steve had already brought her box of belongings up and placed it in front of her nightstand.  She dug into it and grabbed a pad.  She also saw her legal pad-turned-journal and made a mental note of what she wanted to write in it tonight.  “See?” she said waving the folded green square.  “Crisis averted.”  But Steve folded his arms. 

“I wanted to have everything for you.”

“You do have everything for me,” she beamed at him, “it’s all perfect.  You’re perfect.”

Steve puffed out his chest.  “I am?”

Kayla went to him and stroked a finger down his patch.  “Yes,” she assured him.  “You are.” 

“I love when you do that,” he whispered. 

“I know,” she smiled sweetly. 

Steve put his arms around her and let out a huff at what he felt.  “You’re freezing, Sweetness.”  Then he held her out from him and looked down at her belly.  “You’re so much smaller,” he said almost absently.  Kayla didn’t react especially well to that statement, and Steve felt her reaction.  “No, Sweetness,” he said very strongly, “that’s not what I meant.”

“Are ya sure,” she snarked.

“I meant,” he emphasized, “that I’ve missed out on taking care of you.  You had to recover from having her, and I didn’t get to experience it with you.  Now this dress got big on you without me.”  Kayla hadn’t really had a chance to care what she might look like in this outfit, but the fact was that when she last wore the black dress and white blouse with whimsical stitching on the collar it was just days postpartum; now exactly four weeks later, she was swimming in it.  “Only one of us gets to carry the baby.  You.  It’s my job to take care of you afterwards, and I didn’t get to do it.”  He was genuinely sad about this.

“It’s ok,” Kayla tried to reassure him.

“It’s not.”  He exhaled heavily and adjusted his patch.  “But you’re still standin’ here freezing, Sweetness.  We really need to get you out of this dress now.”  He reached around and started unzipping her, but Kayla stepped back. 

“I-I-I can manage.”  Steve looked a little disconcerted.  “I just—I want to get a quick shower and just clean up before Stephanie wakes up.”

Steve palmed the back of her head and rubbed her damp hair in his fingers.  “I want to take care of you,” he repeated.  “Please don’t turn me away.”

The core elements that made Steve, Steve, never changed.  She loved him for it, and the fact was that she wanted him to take care of her.  She wanted to share herself with him.  She wanted to ease his guilt.  And it felt right to let herself do it.  But it also felt like a betrayal, too.  So, she denied him.  For now.

“I’m not turning you away.  I love you.  I just haven’t been able to be truly by myself in a shower for a long time, that’s all.”

Kayla had a lot of advantage over Steve right now, but he knew her better than another living soul, and was not convinced that that was all.  But he backed off and let her have her privacy.  “Ok, honey,” he said uneasily as he kissed her forehead.  Kayla noted his use of the word honey.  “I’ll, um … you want me to wait for you downstairs?”  He was clearly hoping she’d say that she wanted him to wait for her right there in the bedroom.

“Actually, you know what would make me feel better?”

“So you are upset then.”  He shifted his weight back and forth anxiously.

“No, that’s not what I meant.  I was just hoping—while I’m in the shower, maybe you would check all the secret passages.  Just be sure she’s not in there somewhere.”

“You’re really worried about that, aren’t you?”  Kayla nodded, because she genuinely was.  “She’s not in there.  I promise you she’s not.  The squad car’s right out there still.”

“I know, but we’ve had people hide in here under our noses, so I really need to know you’ve looked and that the attic and the passages are clear.”

Steve smiled and nodded, but he looked sad.  He left to go do as she asked, and Kayla, now alone in the room, let out a breath.  “Oh, Steve,” she whispered.  “How am I going to do this without you?”  Kayla went back to the box of her belongings and spent the few minutes it would take to unpack.  She put the legal pad and pen into the drawer of her nightstand and took everything else plus a pair of white, cotton underwear into the bathroom with her.  She pulled back the shower curtain and smiled at the vision of their tub.  She worried that everything would remind her of Emily, but so far she was just happy to be here and couldn’t wait to get into a hot bath later this week if she was here long enough to do so.  She turned on the shower and for now was very eager to get clean.

As Kayla stripped off the wet dress and undid what was left of her braid, she took a really good look at herself in the full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door.  She still had a bit of a baby bump, her hair was quite long, and her breasts were bigger than normal but no longer filled with milk to feed her baby.  They’d ached since she’d jumped into herself, the nerves shooting off at random times with real discomfort.  She wanted to breastfeed Stephanie, so she squeezed them and hoped that maybe there would be some leakage signifying that she could get her milk to come back in.  But she knew from the feel of them alone that it was too late, and getting herself to lactate was going to be exceedingly difficult.  “Dammit,” she whispered.  Moving on to her face, Kayla examined the skin around her eyes, and there were definitely lines there that had formed during this terrible time.  She was literally watching herself age and felt a very odd sense of loss. 

As soon as she stepped into the shower she let out a moan of pleasure.  The hot water felt so good as it warmed her prickly, cold skin.  She let the heat permeate every pore and eventually the chill was chased away.  Thoughts of where her Steve was, however, returned.  Being in a jump of shared time without him long term was not something she’d really done.  Steve had had more experience interacting with Destination Kaylas, but the handful of times Kayla had faced it jumping to a Steve that knew her, they didn’t last more than minutes before her Steve jumped in.  Two years.  The number kept coming back to her.  Part of her wanted to panic, but she had a baby to take care of, and she thanked God for having that to ground her.

When Kayla came out of the bathroom Steve was sitting against the headboard on his side of the bed softly playing his harmonica.  Kayla was in the black robe with the white lace collar that she loved so much and grinned at how well every version of her husband knew her.

“I love that you’re smiling.  Feelin’ better, Sweetness?”

“Much.”

“Is it ok that I’m in here?”

“Of course, it is.”

Steve stood up and took her hands in his.  “I checked every single room.  Every passage.  I went up into the attic.  Sheila’s not here.  The only people in this house are you, me, Stephanie, and two mamas making way too much food for dinner; because as much as you wanna take care of Stephanie, and I wanna take care of you they wanna take care of us.  So, I hope you’re hungry, ‘cause we’re gonna have leftovers for days.”

Kayla chuckled and smiled up at him.  “Thank you,” she said as she tousled his hair and rubbed at the black tee shirt he’d changed into from the drenched blue button-down.  Steve closed his eye to the feel of his wife’s touch, and Kayla found herself wanting to continue touching him so that he’d continue feeling loved like this.  “I do feel a lot better knowing you checked.  Thank you.”

“I’ll do that for you every day if that’s what you want.”

“You’re so good to me.”  She brought his hands up to her lips and kissed the backs of each of them before holding them tightly to her chest.

The feel of Kayla’s breasts against his hands stirred something in Steve that wasn’t sexual as much as it was needy.  He wanted to feel her bare skin beneath his palms and connect with her just in his touch.  He wanted to see her naked body before another day of change went by for him to miss. 

Kayla’s pulse raced as she felt Steve slowly move his hands to brush against her breasts.  Partly because Steve was touching her.  But also because she still felt a bit untouchable after Ava’s violation.  And finally, because she was just plain nervous.  She tried not to be, but she was.  And yet, she didn’t stop him as he gently cupped them and felt their heaviness.  They’d already changed from those first days when she’d been able to breastfeed, and he felt sad for Kayla that she’d been forced to give that up.  “Can you still feed her?” he asked. 

The corners of Kayla’s mouth turned downward as she shook her head.  “It’s too late.”  He questioned if she was sure just with his eye.  “I actually just checked them.  It would be really hard to get my milk to come back in.  I’m sure.”

Steve’s eye misted with culpability.  “I’m so sorry.”  He ran his palms up and down over her ribcage then moved down to the belt of her robe and started untying it.  “I want to see you, Sweetness.”

Kayla stopped him from untying her.  “I … shouldn’t …”

Steve looked a bit wounded.  “I’m not trying to have sex with you, Kayla.  Do you think I’d really try to do that right now?”

“No, I—of course, I don’t, that’s not what I meant.  I’m sorry.”  He couldn’t understand the multiplicity of reasons why she was appearing to rebuff him.  How could he?  What could she say?  She was at a loss to clarify for him and instead turned a few shades of red.  Rather than look very adorable on her like it usually did, it upset Steve and renewed every bit of his insecurity for their relationship.  She saw the doubt fall over him like a shadow and struggled with how to fix it.

“Kayla, I just miss you.  You’re finally home.  Standing right here in our room.  I didn’t know if I’d ever get you back in this room with me.  And now you’re finally here.  But, Sweetness, you just feel so far away.  You’re right here, but I still miss you.  I just want to look at you.  Why are you shy with me?”

“I don’t know,” she lied.

“Is it Marina?”

Kayla closed her eyes slowly.  “No,” she said.  When she opened them again, she saw that she was fooling no one.

“It’s what she said to you.  On the tape, I heard what she said.”  Steve was distraught.

“Steve.”

“She said I was more attracted to her because you were getting bigger,” he said in an agonizing tone.  “And I just made it worse with what I said before.”

“Steve, that’s not it.”  She tried to sound firm.

“Are you sure?  Because I think that’s at least something.”

And Kayla was shocked to realize that it really was something.  Not everything, and not even something she’d been aware of, but now that he’d said it, she realized … he was right.  In their real timeline, her body had been much closer to normal by the time she’d escaped from prison, gotten on that plane with him, and shared a hotel bed.  Now it was very different.  Her postpartum body with Emily was experienced by her primary Steve, and with Joey it was just a whole different pregnancy.  This time she was feeling very differently about her body and its recovery, and a lot of it was because what Marina had taunted her with was subconsciously brought to the surface, and it was all so much closer with this Steve.  None of this was enough to cause all of the complicated irons that were in this fire, but it was there.  And she didn’t like it.  Kayla hindbrained that her Steve would be very upset to know any of this.  In the meantime, this Steve was watching her closely, and she didn’t have to say anything, because the look on her face did all the confirming for her.

Steve took her face in his hands.  “I made a mistake, Kayla.  A huge mistake.  I gotta live with that for the rest of my life.  But I love you.  I love you.  This body carried my daughter inside of you.  It gave me something so …” rather than say it, he kaleidoscoped his hand in front of his face; the sign for beautiful.  His eye watered.  “And I want to look at it.”  This time when he started undoing the belt of her robe, she wanted nothing more than for him to look at her.  He went slowly to give her the chance to stop him.  But she didn’t.

The black fabric was more robust now than when she last saw it in their home in Los Angeles.  It was warmer and thicker, and it felt good against her naked body.  It also felt good when it rubbed against her shoulders as Steve slowly opened it.  The robe pooled to her feet, exposing her nearly naked form to him for the first time since she’d had Stephanie.  She stood before him in nothing but the white underwear, glad to be facing how that exposure made her feel.  And Steve made it immediately easy, because everything he said and did in that room tonight was perfect.

Steve reached out to caress her breasts without the fabric between them.  He hadn’t touched her in so long, and when his skin connected with hers, he let more of the tears that were just below the surface this entire day blur his vision.  He bent his head and kissed the top curve of each breast, then he sat down on the bed so he could face her belly.  He ran his hands over the swell where her womb was still working on going back to its normal size.  He kissed it just above her belly button.  “Thank you for our daughter, Kayla,” he said as he stroked his hands over her as if the baby was still beneath them.  “Thank you for giving her to me.”

“Thank you for giving her to me,” Kayla replied.  “She laid her hands over his and bent down to kiss him.  It was so tender.  “We gave her to each other.”

Steve nodded.  “We did, Sweetness.  You know why?”

Now Kayla nodded, too.  “Because we had so much love for each other that we had to let it out.  And give it to someone.”

“Yeah,” he nodded through more tears that made his green eye shine in the soft light of their bedroom.  Steve stood up and took her in his arms.  He stroked his palms up and down the skin of her back that had finally warmed.  He never wanted to stop touching her, feeling her against him, and showing her just how sorry he was for everything.  All of it.  “I love you, Kayla.  You’re so beautiful, and I just love you so much.”

Kayla held on to her husband, threaded her fingers into his hair, and burrowed her face into his chest.  “I love you, too,” she cried, too.  Forever, I love you, too.”

This time when they kissed Steve felt less of her apprehension.  There was still something there he couldn’t pin down; something still a little cautious.  But the shyness had waned, and that made him feel a lot better.

Steve watched as Kayla rifled around her drawer for a tee shirt and wondered why she clearly hadn’t found what she was looking for.  “Stephanie’s gonna be up soon, Sweetness, I think you’re gonna wanna be there when she does.”

“I do, yes.”  She went to the closet and tried there.

“You not finding what you need, baby?”  She wasn’t, because her tastes had changed a lot since she’d owned this wardrobe that was not made for laying around. 

“Actually,” she said as she went back to the dresser but opened one of Steve’s drawers instead.  “Do you think I could wear one of your shirts and a pair of your sweatpants?”

Steve beamed.  “I’d love for you to wear my clothes, baby.”

Kayla smiled as Steve handed her a pair of grey sweats that were roomy everywhere but her very curvy hips.  Then he said, “arms up.”  She complied, and Steve slipped a black tank top over her head.  The look was every bit as adorable as he knew it would be, and Kayla felt really comfortable for the first time since jumping away from Cleveland.  She rubbed her hands up and down the tops of her thighs and sighed.  “You feel good in those, don’t you?”

“Yes, I really do.”

“Then every pair of those things are now yours, because I can’t stand wearin’ ‘em.”

Kayla giggled.  “That’ll change one day.”

“Think so, huh?  Well not today.” 

The smell of pot roast wafted up to them, and suddenly Kayla was absolutely starving.  She slipped the robe back on over the tank and sweatpants and headed for the door so she could be the first thing Stephanie saw when she woke up from her nap.  But first Steve spun her around and kissed her again.  His lips were soft but this time kissed her with a bit more heat.  He pulled out of it and finished with final pecks to her cheeks, her forehead, and her nose.  “I love you so much, Sweetness.”

“I love you more,” she smiled before returning a peck to where his scar used to be.

“Oh, I doubt that.”

The slipstream made itself known to Kayla with pressure in her sinuses; that’s how much she felt that very 2009 statement out of her 1990 husband.  The smile she’d just had on her face fell, and Steve watched as she felt the mask he’d been able to pull away cover her back up. 

Steve sighed with disappointment, and Kayla knew he knew something had just affected her.  They looked at each other in several moments of silence, studying whatever it was they thought each one was thinking, before Steve caressed the back of his hand down her cheek.  “Come on, Sweetness,” he said with the sad acceptance that they’d gone one step forward but two steps back.  “Stephanie’s waiting for you.” 

Kayla stroked Steve’s chest and gave him another kiss.  “I love you,” she said reassuringly.  Steve gave her a smile in return.  But he dropped it as soon as she turned to go.  Because something was very wrong with his wife, and he was terrified that it was him.

As Kayla headed down the stairs, she could feel the anxiety peeling off of her husband.  She wanted to fix him so badly, but her own anxiety was now ramped up as the slipstream so strongly reminded her of its presence; and with it, his absence.  I need you.  I need all of you.  Kayla was scared that her Steve wouldn’t be jumping in for a long time.  And she was equally scared that he would jump in before she could fix the one currently trailing behind her.  And that dichotomy made her very sad, very angry, and very unsure of what to do next.

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