Steve flinched when the antiseptic hit his lip.
“Sorry,” Kayla said gently, but Steve didn’t reply. He just sat on the toilet seat and stared at her as she continued to clean the wound his father had given him. “Did he hit you near your eye?” she asked with concern, not making a move to examine it just yet. He blinked and looked away, so she moved her head so that he had to look at her. “Steve did he hit you in the eye?”
He looked at her and said, “It doesn’t matter.”
“Humor me.”
“No,” he said coldly.
Kayla nodded and continued cleaning the blood away from his face from her spot across from him sitting on the edge of the bathtub.
“Your lip needed stitches the first time, too.”
The mention of his lip made him think of hers. He reached his hand up to her mouth and wiped the blood away from it. But it was still tender, and she recoiled a bit; Steve dropped his hand.
“You shouldn’t have thrown it in the river, Kayla.”
“What should I have done with it, brought it back with us?”
“No, you should have just left it where I dropped it and let them take me in.”
“And then we’d be separated. I guess that’s probably what you want, isn’t it? If you don’t have to look at me, you won’t have to face how badly you’re hurting.”
“You wanna analyze me, Kayla, go ahead and analyze that I finally did it and killed my old man after all these years.” The anger and hurt she knew was simmering beneath the surface was starting to color his unaffected tone. “Third time’s the charm, baby. Why don’t you tell me what you think of that, huh?”
“I think that was the worst place you could have possibly jumped to after what happened on the pier.”
“Please, baby you gonna blame yourself, now? You gonna go and make this about you?”
“Isn’t it?” she threw back at him.
“I’m not sorry he’s dead, Kayla, if you’re waiting for me to say that, you’re gonna be waiting a long time.”
“You know what, I’m not sorry he’s dead, either, but that’s not what’s really going on here.” Steve clicked his tongue, but Kayla wasn’t going to let it go. “You were lashing out at me.”
Kayla was sitting too close to him, he could barely take it. The feelings inside of him were so raw and bleeding into each other so badly that he wasn’t going to be able to keep them inside much longer. He killed his father, and he wasn’t sorry; that bothered him. And the fact was that he was lashing out at her, and that bothered him even more.
“I was ridding the world of that piece of sh*t!”
“’Cause he was about to kill me!”
Steve shot up and went to the other end of the small room, trying to put distance between them. “No, I put the gun down when he was about to kill you! I shot him when he started seeing you naked in his filthy little mind! I could see him doin’ it, too, just like he did to my sister before he raped her!”
“So you were protecting me all the same!”
“You want me to apologize? For making sure he didn’t kill you? For making sure he didn’t go near Adrienne, that sick son of a bitch?”
“No, Steve, I’m not looking for any apologies from you. I’m not sorry he’s dead, either.”
“Good, because he is dead, Kayla!” he roared.
“But I am sorry that what happened with us back on the pier is what made you do it.”
“Just stop it, I don’t wanna hear you turn this into some kind of therapy session, I’ve had more than enough of those, baby, don’t you think?! I didn’t kill him because of you and Shane! Now, you wiped off the gun, you threw it in the river, you dragged me here, now I’ve done it your way, baby, why do you have to keep pushing?!”
“Because lying to yourself isn’t going to make things better, Steve, we have to be honest with each other.”
“Oh, now you want honesty?! Like the f*cked up version of honesty you’ve been usin’ for the past three years, Sweetness?!”
Kayla couldn’t stand when Steve called her Sweetness when he was angry. He almost never did it, but this one hit her hard. She knew that she had to get him to talk about Shane and how hurt he was, but she couldn’t help feeling her own stab of pain when he called her Sweetness that way. Kayla looked away from him as her eyes got glassy, stood up from the edge of the tub, and went into the bedroom that they weren’t yet sharing. She sat on the edge of the bed and silently cried as she waited for him to come out.
When he finally did, she thought he would walk past her and go downstairs, but she was surprised when he sat down next to her. He didn’t touch her, but he didn’t run, either.
They sat that way for a while. Silent. Lost. “I know you’re mad at me,” Kayla spoke first, looking straight out rather than at him. “You should be. I hurt you,” her voice wavered, and Steve’s heart tightened, “so … if you’re trying to hurt me back, you’re doing a good job.”
Steve exhaled heavily, then he took her hand in his and held it in his lap. Kayla closed her eyes and felt the biggest wave of homesickness as she felt her hand in his.
“I’m begging you not to shut me out, she said.”
“What is there to say, Kayla, you were in love with Shane back there, and I lost my mind. I think that sums it up.” Now that he was holding it, he couldn’t quite let go of her hand.
“That doesn’t at all sum it up,” she replied as she she finally turned to look at him. She reached her palm up to the side of his scarred face and turned him to face her. “And if you would let me explain it to you, you’d see.”
“Like you let me explain about Marina before you ran out of our house?” He said it so sharply, belying the gentle way he was holding on to her hand. Somewhere deep inside him, he needed the comfort of that hand, even as his anger drove him.
“Didn’t we get over that? Twice?” she said just as sharply. “It’s not the same.”
“It’s exactly the same. You ran, I ran.”
It wasn’t the same, but Kayla didn’t want to argue, so she conceded the point. “Ok, fine, now let’s talk about it.”
“Baby, we’ve got bigger problems, Abe and Roman are gonna be here any minute.”
“You don’t know that,” she said, “they might think it’s some random shooting.”
“They’re not gonna think that, Kayla, try to remember when we are! This is 1987, baby, neither one of them care a lick about me! They’re not stupid, they’re gonna go to my place first, and when I’m not there they’re comin’ straight here, and you know it.”
She didn’t want to admit to herself that he was right, but he was. “Then we’ll hide you on the roof like we used to do.” Steve clenched his jaw and released her hand. She felt a small emotional loss when he did. “What?” she said with frustration.
“There’s no point in hiding, Kayla.”
“Do you want us to be separated?!” she finally allowed herself to raise her voice. “Do you?! We’re in the middle of a jump, Steve! Do you really want to risk jumping when we’re not together simply because you’re mad at me?”
“Simple?” he yelled back in equal measure. “That bullshit on the pier with Shane doesn’t feel simple to me, Kayla! It feels – like—“ Wasn’t this what he didn’t want to do right now? Talk about how he felt? “It doesn’t feel simple, dammit!” He walked to the stairs and sat down on the stoop with his head in his hand.
Kayla blanched. “I’m sorry, Steve. I’m sorry that you don’t have the luxury of running now. But we’re not at home. We can’t just retreat somewhere and know when we wake up we’re still going to be at home. We can’t separate, and you know it. I won’t let us.”
“We arrive separately, so what does it matter?”
Kayla looked crushed. “So you really don’t care? Really?”
She was crying now, and Steve relented. “No,” his voice broke, “Ok, no, I don’t want to be separated.” Kayla put her head in her hands in relief. Steve wanted to reach out for her and let her hold him. Instead he stayed where he was sitting on the top step. “But what’s done is done,” baby, he said defeated. “I did kill Duke. And they are going to find me. And now that I’m here, you’re going to be arrested as an accessory.”
“No, I—“
“Yes, Kayla, you are, use your head, you know it as well as I do.” The look in Kayla’s eyes told Steve that she knew he was right. “It’s not what I want. There are lots of things I didn’t want, baby. But if they find me here, then we’re both going to jail, and at least one of us needs to be able to keep tabs on the other.”
“What are you saying, that you should leave?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
This made Kayla hopping mad. When she stood up, Steve saw his 2009 Kayla’s red hot temper piercing him with her 1987 eyes. “I have had just about enough of you leaving me for one lifetime, thank you very much! You are mad at me, fine, Steve, FINE. You don’t want to talk about Shane, that’s fine, too, you go ahead and let it eat at you, then. But we’re going to have to finally address it unless you’re done with me.”
Now he stood up, too, as his temper exploded. “I didn’t say that, Kayla, DID I SAY THAT?!”
“Well, you sure are acting like it!”
Yeah, you are, he realized.
“You won’t let me explain, you’ll barely let me touch you, you’re calling me Sweetness like it’s a dirty word, and you’re ready to leave me in the middle of a jump. What am I supposed to think?!”
You’re supposed to have faith in me, Sweetness, that’s what. “I’m never going to be done with you,” he said as his own tears began. “You think I don’t love you?” Kayla let out a choked sob. “I’m just so angry I can’t see straight.”
“Then we have to work together,” she cried as she walked into his arms and held him tight. It was too much for him, her smell, the way she looked, the way she cried in his arms. He just plain needed her so much that he couldn’t help but hold her, too. It didn’t make him any less furious, but he couldn’t not hold her back. “And you leaving me, again, is not the way. You left me when you pushed me to Jack. You left me when you died, and then you left me again after that horrible night when you were dreaming. No more leaving, Steve. We’ll just have to go somewhere and wait this jump out, that’s all. We have to stay together no matter what it takes.” She cried into his shirt, and he cried into her big, blonde curls.
Steve finally pushed her away and turned from her, wiping his face with his hand.
“Steve?” When he didn’t answer her she called to him again; it took everything in her not to reach back out for him.
“I’m so tired Kayla,” he said quietly. “You have no idea how tired I am.”
“Does that mean you’re staying?”
“Yeah. I’m staying.”
Kayla wiped her eyes, her mascara now smeared to dark shadows beneath her eyes. Steve saw it and remembered how beautiful she used to look on his doorstep in the rain and felt a painful pang of loneliness.
“Ok,” she said as she steadied her emotions. “Thank you.” He didn’t reply, just gave her a small nod.
They spent the next ten minutes suggesting and rejecting places to go. It was too cold for the fishing shack, it was too hard to get to the lighthouse undetected. It was too early to go to Neil’s, and his place was out of the question. Finally Steve let her convince him that staying right there to hide in plain sight was their best option. Sure enough, moments after Steve relented Roman was pounding on the loft door.
“That was a lot faster than I thought it would be.”
Steve glared an “I told you so” at her, and she shooed him onto the roof. “Promise me you’ll be there when I come back,” she said forcefully.
“Kayla!” Roman yelled from downstairs.
Steve looked away from her and worked the muscle in his jaw. In response he could feel her panic come off of her in waves, it was that strong. “I’ll be here,” he said, and Kayla let out the breath she’d been holding. “You look like you’ve been crying, Kayla, how’re you gonna explain that one?”
“Dammit, Kayla, we see your car and know you’re here, now open this door!”
“I can handle Roman. You just trust me.”
He shot her a look that he immediately regretted when she looked positively stricken. Roman wasn’t getting any more patient and he had to get her focus off of them and onto her brother. He shot his hand out to cup her face and reassured her, “If I didn’t trust you I would have already left. I will be here. Now go.”
She leaned in to kiss his cheek, and he let her. Then she turned to fly down the spiral staircase, and he closed the door to the roof.
It took Kayla an hour to get rid of her brother and Abe. Neither of them believed her at first when she said she didn’t know where Steve was. She played dumb and asked the questions she wasn’t supposed to know the answers to, and when they didn’t tell her the whole story, which unbeknownst to them she already knew, she got them to spill the rest in dribs and drabs.
“Why would I know where he is?”
“Because you were last seen leaving the hospital in a big damn hurry saying that you were about to go see Steve, that’s why,” Roman said.
“Look,” Abe added, “If you’re trying to protect him, this isn’t the way. A man is dead, Kayla. Now, the best way you can help Steve is to tell us where he is.”
Kayla folded her arms in front of her and fixed them each with a defiant look. “I did go see Steve, we were on the pier. He was still there when I left. I came right home, and then you came pounding on my door. Why would I know where he is now?”
“You would if you were hiding him, Sis, wouldn’t you?”
“You wanna look, be my guest,” she said with a healthy dose of being offended at the insinuation.
“Yeah, I will have a look,” Roman said. “Have you been crying?” he asked.
Kayla wiped at her eyes, annoyed that they gave her away. “It’s been a terrible day. Work.”
“Roman,” Abe started relenting, “we might be barking up the wrong tree.”
“Abe’s right, Roman, you are. Steve is not a violent man. His father sure is, though, I saw him rough up Steve’s mother with my own eyes.”
“You saying she might have done this?”
Oh no! “No, she’s in no condition to lift a finger toward anyone, Adrienne is taking care of her. But he could have easily ticked off the wrong person down on the riverfront.”
Kayla was digging a hole and just wanted her brother and Abe gone. If she didn’t get them out the door right now she was going to confess, herself. “Abe, Roman, he’s not here, I don’t know where he is, if you want to look, do it. Then go, ‘cause I’ve had a really long day and just want to be alone.”
Roman ran up the spiral staircase, and Kayla tried with everything she had not to look nervous or like she was holding her breath. Abe watched her intently. “Care to check the guest room?” she snarked.
“No,” he said, “I’m sure Roman’s gonna go there next.”
Sure enough, Roman bounded down the stairs and ran into the guest room, found no one, and reported to Abe that he wasn’t there.
“Did you check the roof?” Abe asked calmly, never taking his eyes off Kayla.
“Damn!” Roman said and ran back up the stairs.
Abe saw her eyes flicker, and gave her a look of disappointment. Then he ran up after Roman, knowing he’d found them out. Kayla was in full panic mode now, yelling after them that Steve wasn’t on the roof, it was freezing up there, anything she could think of to stop Roman from opening that metal door. When he did, she just started praying for a jump. Jump, jump, jump, jump … If she just said it over and over again, maybe they’d go no place like home. It didn’t happen before Roman emerged back through the doorway. The last thing she expected, however, was for him to come back without her husband.
“Place is clean, Partner,” Roman announced with frustration.
Abe looked with confusion upon Kayla, who had her own perplexed look on her face. “I was so sure” he said as if he were thinking out loud.
Now Kayla was a whole different kind of scared. He left me. He really left me. She couldn’t help the tears that had begun to stream down her face as she followed them back down. God, I’m so sick of crying.
“Listen, Sis,” he said as he slid open the loft door, “If you – why are you crying, Buttercup?!” He brought her into a hug, and she let loose. “Aw, honey, I didn’t mean to upset you, I’ve just gotta do my job, here.”
“I’ve just had a real bad day, Roman,” she said. She knew he wasn’t really Roman, but he felt like her brother, just the same, as she cried. “I lost someone today, I got punched in the face, and my lip hurts, and now Steve is missing and you think he killed his father. I just want to … turn back the clock and get things right. I’d do anything to just get them right.”
“Who punched you?!”
“No one important, it’s not the first time.”
“Patient, huh?”
Kayla just nodded.
“Listen, if you wanna press charges against this guy,” Abe added, “you just say the word.”
Kayla shook her head against Roman’s shoulder and wiped her nose with his shirt. “No, he won’t be a problem anymore. I just want to … I don’t know what I want.”
“I know, honey, you just want to get some rest.” He pulled back from her and turned her face from side to side by her chin. “Looks just as pretty as always, Sis.”
Kayla smiled slightly. He was a good brother to her, and she missed him. As they left, Kayla called back out to him, “Roman!” When he looked back, she said, “I love you, ya know.”
“I love you, too, Sis.”
She slid the loft door closed and listened as the elevator engaged. Then she leaned her back against the door, sank down to the floor, and layed her head down on her knees. How could you leave me?
“Baby.”
Kayla screamed she was so caught so off guard by Steve’s unexpected presence standing outside the guest room.
“It’s me! It’s ok, baby, it’s just me.”
Kayla looked up at him in disbelief. “Steve! You didn’t leave? But how …?”
Steve bent down on one knee in front of her. “I’m sorry I scared you,” he said with the first gentle voice he’d spoken to her with since he’d found her on the pier with Shane. “I was watching through the skylight. I snuck back in to listen when Roman went back down there. But then Abe mentioned the roof. I ran down that fire escape fast. Walked back in through the front door and hoped no one would go back into the guest room.”
Kayla was so stunned by the fact that he hadn’t left her that she didn’t blink the whole time he was explaining. Then she flung her arms around him and held on fiercely. She didn’t say a word, just held on.
“Ok, baby, ok. It’s ok. I know what you thought,” he said as he tried not to rub his hand up and down her back. “I promised I would stay, and I did. If you know what’s good for ya, you would’ve let me go, but I’m here.”
“I know what’s good for me.”
After a moment they got up off the floor, and Steve paced around. Kayla watched him from the couch not quite knowing what to say. She was aching to talk about Shane, but she decided to just let him go at his own pace. For now.
“So I hear you had a bad day,” Steve said from where he now stood in the kitchen.
Kayla rubbed at her lip. “You heard what I said to Roman?”
“Hard not to. Your lip still hurt?”
“Does yours?”
Steve chuckled. “Yeah.” He opened the cabinet and found the Advil right where he remembered it. He gave Kayla two and handed her a glass of water. When she was done he popped in two of his own and did the same.
“Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?” Kayla asked lightly.
“Physician wasn’t healing herself, so …” He sank down onto the other end of the couch from her, and after a moment they both got somber again. “I’ve had a really bad day, too,” he said, looking right at her. She nodded. “I don’t want us to be like this, Kayla, I really don’t.”
“Then let’s fix it,” she pleaded.
“You need to give me time, baby. I need a little time.”
“We need to deal with Shane,” she said quietly.
Steve nodded. “But I can’t hear whatever you’ve got to say right now. Not never, Kayla. Just not right now.”
“I’m sorry for keeping it from you. I was so –“
“I know. I know you’re sorry, I heard what you said to your brother.” The truth was that it about did him in listening to her cry like that. It was like outside the fish market the other day, he wanted so badly to go to her. Even though you’re mad at her? he asked himself. Yes.
“But Kayla, I killed my father. I killed him.” Steve saw the look she was giving him and stopped her before she started. “Don’t say you’re sorry, baby, ‘cause I’m not. Can you live with that?”
“You’re not a killer. You were protecting the people you love.”
“Kayla, can you live with it?”
“Yes,” she said. “Can you?”
Steve nodded his head and reached out to run his thumb across her bruised lip. “It’s not like he’s gonna stay dead.” Steve got up and walked back into the kitchen. He was still in his leather jacket, he’d made no attempt to get comfortable to this point. He opened the fridge, grabbed some grapes, and popped them in his mouth. “Baby, I see you starin’ a hole through me. I know you want to talk about Shane, but I don’t wanna talk about it right now.”
Kayla looked him deep in the eye. “Are you punishing me?”
“I’m just not ready, Sweetness.” This time he wasn’t angry when he said it, and despite how he felt right now, he wasn’t going to use her pet name that meant so much to him that way again. “You lied to me for three years about having a relationship with our brother-in-law. I’m trying to get past it enough to let you tell me the details. Until then, I’m not ready.”
Kayla accepted it and nodded. Then she laid her head in her arms and tried to calm her mind down.
“I’m tired, baby, you need to let me sleep. Can you do that for me?”
She nodded again. “Come on,” she held out her hand.
“I know where it is,” he said, and then made his way up to the bedroom.
None of Steve’s things were there, but he made do with what there was. He noticed that Kayla did not follow him up right away, and he was grateful for the space. When she finally came upstairs, Steve was laying on his back in nothing but his unbuttoned jeans and the sheet covering just his feet. She got ready for bed very quietly so as not to wake him.
Kayla prayed for a nightshirt, but back then she had mostly nightgowns and frilly things. She opted for a dark camisole and dark cotton underwear and got changed in the bathroom. She saw that Steve had broken out a new toothbrush, and it made her smile that he remembered where she kept things even before they were married. She let her fingers drift to her ring finger and absently played with the space that her rings usually occupied, missing them. When she was done she turned out the light and wasn’t sure what to do next. She pulled the sheet and comforter up over her husband and then nervously sat on the edge of her side of the bed.
“You don’t have to hide from me, Kayla.”
She startled. “I thought you were asleep.”
“No.”
“I wasn’t hiding, I was … just …” she trailed off, not knowing what to say. Steve didn’t say anything more, and she didn’t move from where she was on the other side of the bed. Finally, she asked in a tone barely above a whisper, “Do you want me to sleep on the couch?”
Steve finally opened his eye and turned his head to look at her. “No,” he said. He lingered his gaze on her a moment longer, then he turned his head back and closed his eye again.
With a small measure of relief, Kayla got under the covers. She laid on her side facing him, but then thought better of it and turned to her back. “Goodnight, Steve,” she said.
“Goodnight,” he replied.
It took quite some time for her brain to shut down enough so that she could fall asleep. Finally, she was about to nod off when she felt Steve hold her hand, lacing his fingers with hers.
“I am mad at you.” He said calmly. “Doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
She brought his hand up to her lips and kissed it. Then she returned their clasped hands to the space between them. “I love you, too.”
Kayla fell asleep knowing they had a long way to go but also knowing they were going to get through it.
Steve was awakened by what felt like a hard punch in the stomach. His eye snapped open, but he was so disoriented that he couldn’t make sense of what the clock was saying, which was 4:47 in the morning. Where am I? Kayla was asleep beside him, she’d draped her arm over him in the night. The loft. Duke … Shane … Then it happened again. It wasn’t a punch in the stomach but a familiar pull at his diaphragm. “Sh*t.” He tried to reach for Kayla, but she was already falling away. “Kayla, wake up! Kayla!” She didn’t rouse more than a sleepy moan before he felt himself slip away.
In the next moment he sucked in his breath hard and immediately started hacking up the dust and tiny debris particles that he’d inhaled. It was dark, the air was hot, and he was, frankly, claustrophobic. That’s when he felt her. Kayla was in the exact spot he’d just left her in, laying right next to him to his right. She wasn’t moving when he jumped away, and she wasn’t moving now, either. When his lungs expelled most of the dust and his coughs settled, his eye adjusted to the light, and he realized with utter dismay where they were. Mike Horton’s lab had just exploded, and a building was now leveled on top of them. “Well this just keeps getting better and better.”