The loneliness of the desert was oppressive, empty. Kayla turned around and back again, and all she could see in any direction was waves and waves of untouched sand below a dark, moonless sky. “Steve?” she called out. She knew he wasn’t there, no one was there. But she called his name anyway. She did get an answer to her call, but it wasn’t Steve; it was of a baby crying. “Joe!” Kayla yelled. She knew the sound of her baby, and that cry was music to her hears. She pined to hold him, nuzzle him, smell his baby scent. She whirled around trying to find which direction the crying was coming from, but nothing was there amongst the rolling dunes and his cries surrounding her. “Baby!” she cried, “Mama’s here!” But there wasn’t a soul to be found as she turned in circles, and Joe’s cries were only getting louder. So Kayla dropped to her knees, her white nightgown billowing around her, and started digging. “Joey, where are you?! Joe!!” she shrieked as the sand flew. But with every armful of sand she cleared, the fresh clean waves would immediately replace it. Finally, she gave up and hung her head as tears streamed hot down her face to be swallowed by the sand below her.
Then the cries abruptly ceased, and she heard, “Mom.” Kayla looked up startled to see Stephanie sitting cross-legged in front of her. “What’s wrong?”
“Stephanie?” Kayla whispered.
“Mom is everything ok?” She was so calm as she tilted her beautiful, brown-haired head and looked at her mother with curiosity.
“Baby girl,” she hiccupped through her tears, “come here!” Kayla’s tears turned to those of joy as she threw her arms around her daughter’s neck, only by the time they got there, Stephanie had vanished. The momentum of her attempts to embrace her daughter hurtled her forward, and she fell face first into the sand. She sat up quickly and pitched her head back and forth looking for Stephanie, then turned on all fours to look in the other direction. But she was gone.
“No … noooooo. This is … not real … this can’t … can’t be real! Stephanie? Come back!” Kayla didn’t understand. She didn’t know where she was or why she was there, and she really didn’t understand what could be happening to her. She was scared, alone, and terrified that she was never going to find her children. “Steve …” Then she fell onto her side on the sand and brought her knees up to her chest. She squeezed her eyes shut, wrapped her arms around herself as she trembled with cold, and sobbed.
Steve could hear Kayla crying the minute he entered the house. He sprinted the few feet to the bedroom and flew through the door to find Kayla tossing and turning in her sleep. “Oh, baby.” He put the bottles of life-saving medication on the nightstand, peeled his brown leather coat off, and let it drop to the floor as he made his way to sit beside her.
“Baby girl!” Kayla whimpered as tears rolled out of the corners of her eyes.
“Kayla! Kayla, wake up!” She was moaning and breathing heavily as the sweat continued to bead on her very hot skin. Suddenly Kayla started thrashing.
“No … noooooo,” she moaned. “Can’t … real … come back …” Steve tried to steady her from this nightmare, palming the hair back off her face.
“Wake up, baby, come on,” he said as the sting began in his own eyes. Steve took her limp hand from the top of the comforter and brought it to his face. This wasn’t really how it went back then, and while he didn’t consciously know it, the touch of her hand to his cheek was more for his comfort than for hers.
“Sweetness, can you hear me at all?” Steve soothed as he ran her hand up and down his cheek. “Can you feel me here with you? You need to stay with me, here, ok?” He kissed her palm. It was too hot. “Stay with me, baby.”
Kayla heard her husband’s voice in the distance. It was so crisp and clear in the numbing silence of the desert, but it was also faint and seemed impossibly far. Still, at the sound of his voice, she stopped crying and just listened.
“Stay with me, baby.”
Kayla sat up and opened her eyes. It was dark when she’d last looked, but now the sun was shining, and she fought to focus against its brightness. The desert, however, was still there, pristine and combed to perfection. She wiped the tears from her eyes with the heel of her palms. “I’m here!” Kayla yelled. “I don’t know where I am!” He didn’t answer her. “Come find me,” she said more softly. “Please, Steve … please come get me.”
At that moment, Kayla stopped her thrashing and opened her eyes as the desert dissolved into the pale blur of the bedroom.
“Steve?” she said through hazy eyes.
“Yeah, it’s me, baby,” he smiled as he held her hand to his heart. “I’m right here.”
She blinked slowly, trying to bring him into focus. “… I’m,” she swallowed, “scared. I don’t feel … good.”
“I know, honey, I know. We’re gonna get you well, don’t be scared. Don’t you listen to what those bad dreams were tellin’ you, baby.”
“Dreams? Am I dreaming?” she mumbled.
“Not anymore. We’re at Gabrielle’s, remember?”
Who? She shook her head no and started to close her eyes again.
“No, baby, stay awake for just another minute, here, you need to take the antidote,” Steve said as he stretched his left arm over to the far nightstand to grab the medication.
Kayla felt him wrap his strong arms pull her up to a sitting position. That act alone made her dizzy again, and she dropped her head to his chest, her hair caressing his neck. Kayla was so confused. Where was she? Was she in an accident? Was Joe with her?!
“Joe’s crying … I can’t find him. Stephanie, too,” she started to cry. “Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave.”
Steve froze and looked down at Kayla. His heart sank as he realized that she was delirious. “Kayla,” Steve said firmly, “Joe and Stephanie are back home. Do you hear me, they’re safe and sound. We jumped here to 19 …” he had to think about it, “…87. Remember, baby? We’re jumping, but they’re safe in 2009.”
Like a switch, Kayla suddenly became very lucid, Steve’s words bringing her quickly into reality. We jumped here. The events of the past days and weeks rose to the top, but the fever dream lingered on the edge of her consciousness. Still, the meaning of what happened here – that they jumped apart again and into a very sick body she couldn’t control – drove her, forced her to understand.
“Steve?” she asked looking right at him, her glistening eyes clear.
“Yeah, it’s me baby,” he smiled. “Welcome back. How you doin’? Hey, how ’bout some water huh?” he asked giving her a chance to neither answer nor pass out again. “It’ll go down real nice with that antidote, won’t it? Yeah, sure it will. Gonna feel a lot better real soon, baby.”
“I’m— Harper poisoned me. We jumped to … Jack. And the senator,” she said. “You found me.”
“Oh Sweetness,” he assured her, “I’ll always find you, don’t you worry about that, now.”
Steve saw that her breathing was uneven, and he wasn’t sure how long till she was out again. He had to get the pills in her.
“The kids. Safe,” she murmured.
“That’s right, baby, now you’re makin’ sense.” He laid her back down and reached for the pitcher he’d set up when he’d first gotten her settled. The ice had all nearly melted, but he could feel the water was still cold as he poured it into the glass. “Ok, let’s have some of this, Sweetness, swallow these down, now. It’s gonna make you feel a whole lot better, you’ll see.”
She was so sick. Was she this sick last time? Yes, she was. Steve didn’t want to think about how he’d directly set these events in motion any more now than he did then. So, like the first time, he just pushed past them and set to the task of getting the physostigmine down her throat.
Sleep clawed at Kayla as she struggled to stay awake, but when she saw the two pills in Steve’s hand she knew somewhere in the back of that medical mind of hers that the dosage was too high. “One,” she said.
Steve knew what she meant. But he also knew exactly what he gave her last time and was not willing to chance what changing that might mean.
“We’re doubling the dosage for a couple days, baby. Worked last time.”
Kayla didn’t remember last time, so she just nodded and let Steve pop the small, chalky pills into her mouth. She swallowed hard as she washed them down with the water Steve held to her lips, but they didn’t go down easily. It was like swallowing sand. She was so thirsty, she wanted the water, but her throat was so dry, it hurt to swallow it.
“No … it hurts. Steve … I’m so thirsty,” she moaned as she jerked her head away, causing the water to spill over her chest and neck.
“Ok, baby, ok.” Kayla had already closed her eyes, the desert sucking her back in. “Since you already started on that sponge bath, I’m gonna go get that ready for you. We’re gonna get that fever down, Sweetness.”
Kayla didn’t respond, she’d fallen back asleep, which put Steve on edge. He knew that sleep was what she needed, but he didn’t know if he could do this without her. His mind was racing with what if’s that he needed Kayla to ground him against. What if you die here? What if I don’t remember what comes next? What if someone finds us here? What if I’m not careful enough?
What if you die here?
What if you die?
“Kayla,” Steve called to her somberly. “Please stay awake with me, Kayla. I need you, baby.” But his wife didn’t move. In fact, she was so still, he had to watch her chest rise and fall to ensure she was actually breathing, which she was. “I know you need to sleep, and that I’m – I’m being selfish. But can you just please talk to me? Stay awake with me?” In answer Kayla said nothing and moved not a muscle. Steve sighed and swallowed a lump in his throat. “Alright. You take a little nap. You did that last time, too, you slept for days,” he laughed. “So, that’s ok. I’ll just do the talking, how’s that? Jack’s not coming this time, baby (what if he does?), it’s just you and me. We’ve got spaghetti to eat.”
Kayla was back in the desert, still lying fetal, still alone, still scared. Her nightgown reflected the sun’s rays in a brilliant and blinding glow that shone against the brown sand surrounding her. She was so thirsty she could barely stand it. She forgot where she just was, but it didn’t matter, because the baby was crying, again. This time, he was right there, though, right in front of her sitting in his car seat.
“Joe!” she said with a relief and happiness as she pushed herself up. “Oh, I’ve been so—“ Kayla stopped short. That wasn’t Joe.
“Pocket?” She was disappointed that this wasn’t her son, but she was equally happy to see the little boy that she and Steve had fallen in love with and wanted to adopt. “Hey little guy,” she cooed through her bittersweet emotions. “Are you thinking of me and Steve, little Pocket? Do you need us, is that why you’re here?” Pocket squealed, and Kayla smiled brightly. “Come here, baby,” she beckoned as she picked him up out of the baby carrier and cuddled him close to her.
Steve had found the same blue and white-enameled bowl he’d filled with cold water 20 years ago and filled it with that same cold water once again. Then he got a washcloth and returned to Kayla’s side.
“Hey Sweetness, remember this?” he asked setting everything down on the nightstand. I’m gonna make sure that fever gets knocked right out of you. Let’s unboutton this again, get you cooled down.”
As Steve undid his wife’s nightgown, her breasts glistened with sweat just as her brow did. He couldn’t believe how hot her flesh was. He saturated the washcloth with the cold water and squeezed out just enough to ensure plenty of it was saved for Kayla. Then he gently wiped the cloth down Kayla’s body with cooling strokes. He started with her face, then moved to her arms. When he slid the newly-dipped cloth down her chest, he was shocked at the very rapid rate of her heartbeat.
“Baby,” Steve said with concern as his own heart skipped a beat, “you’re heart’s beating a mile a minute.” He bent his ear to her bosom to listen and was astounded at how fast it was going. Steve put his left hand under her head and tried to make her see him. “Kayla? Kayla, I know how to get your fever down, baby, but what do I do about your heart rate?” She didn’t answer him, of course, and he sighed with renewed angst.
Steve knew she didn’t hear him, so he gently placed her head back on the pillow where it lolled to the side. He didn’t know what more to do other than turn his attention to the washcloth and cool water. “Ok. That’s ok, I’ve got you. This is gonna make you feel a whole lot better baby. Gonna feel real good.” Then he took the cold washcloth and ran it over her face and neck. Then he redipped it, squeezed it out only slightly, and repeated it down her arms. She let out little noises with the shock of the cold. “Don’t you leave me, baby,” he said as he continued to her belly then repeated it all again and again. “Don’t leave me.”
“We loved you, Pocket,” Kayla assured the baby boy in her arms, whispering close to his little head. “We still love you. I really do, baby. I wish we could have kept you. We wanted to keep you.” Kayla stood up and bounced him as she paced back and forth. A lone tear fell down her cheek, and as if he understood with adult wisdom, Pocket reached his little baby hand up to that tear and wiped a cool hand over it, loving her back. “Thank you, baby,” she smiled down to him with love in her voice. And then he was gone, her arms suddenly empty. “Pocket?!”
As Kayla’s panic rose for having lost Pocket, she felt someone tapping her on the shoulder. She whirled around and gasped.
Benji was smiling up at her.
“Benji?” she whispered in disbelief. “Oh my God, Benji …”
“Hi Kayla,” he signed. But Kayla had forgotten so much of her sign language, it had been a lifetime since she’d needed to use it. Other than the sign for courage and the one-handed “I love you” sign, which she and Steve used often, she didn’t use it anymore.
“Steve!” she yelled at the top of her lungs. “STEVE! Benji’s here? We can see him again!” She only absently realized that she didn’t know where she was, much less where Steve was.
Benji kept smiling up at Kayla, then he reached behind him and held his toy train up to her, the one that they’d bought for him when he was living with them. When they’d had every intention of adopting him and making him theirs after the tragic loss of his mother and even more tragic discovery that Stefano was his father. Kayla took the train and felt so much love for him. Not a memory of loving him or knowing that she once loved him, but a real love that poured through her for him as he stood before her right now.
“You’re with us in our hearts, Benji,” she signed. I can sign, after all, she realized. “You … are our family. I miss you … I love you.”
Benji signed back to her that he loved her, too, and that he always knew she loved him. “Like my mommy did,” he signed.
“Yes,” Kayla signed back through her tears, “Like your mommy.”
“You were pretty, like her.”
Kayla put her head in her hands and wept for him. He tapped her on the shoulder, again, and when she looked up Benji was grown. Her surprise was so evident to the blonde man who was looking on with kind eyes. He ran a calming hand down her arm, and she felt a kind of respite from the cooling comfort it brought.
“There ya go Sweetness,” Steve said as he ran the washcloth over and over down her body.
“Like your mommy,” Kayla cried, her eyes twisting into sorrow as Steve watched on helplessly.
“What’s torturing you in there, baby? What have I done to you?”
Steve continued wiping her down. Her arms, her chest, her face, the back of her neck, her belly. There was no part of Kayla that wasn’t burning up with fever, causing her to continue calling out in her fitful sleep.
“Oh, baby, you’re burnin’ up.” Steve had to get a hold of himself, he’d done this before, all he had to do was more of the same. “Ok, it’s ok, I know you get better,” he said as if she was listening, “I just have to let you stay the course, here. Just hang in there, Sweetness,” he said softly as he wiped her down and prayed. “You hang in there, too, dude,” he said to himself. “Don’t lose your head.”
Benji touched his fingertips to his chin and then let them fall to the palm of his hand.
“Thank you?” Kayla repeated. “For what?”
“For being a mother to me,” he signed. “For wanting to be my mother.”
“I failed,” she cried. “Your father eventually found you. And – he – he …” Guilt ran through her.
“No,” Benji snapped his fingers and thumb together while holding her chin in his other hand. “You did everything right,” he signed. “Thank you for saving me, Kayla. You and Steve.” Then he spoke, “I love you.”
“I love you, too, Benji.”
Kayla reached for his hand, just as he vanished. She was alone again. “Stop taking my babies away from me!” she shrieked at the sky, adding anger to the weeping sobs wracking her body. Then a new set of wailing lungs lit up the very air around her.
She looked all around her but didn’t see anyone. She wiped away her tears and suddenly felt a coolness in her belly that felt good. Instinctively running a hand over her swollen middle, she felt the familiar bump and looked down in surprise.
Smiling, she caught something glimmering out of the corner of her eye and turned to see Steve standing in front of her. He was in his 30’s again, and he looked at her with love in his eye and a bundle in his arms.
“Steve! Steve, you found Stephanie! You found her for me! Thank you,” she reached out for her, “thank you! Where did you find her? Are we in Australia?”
Kayla took the infant from Steve and immediately saw that she didn’t know this baby. It wasn’t one of her children, and it wasn’t one of her foster children. But it was crying at the top of its lungs.
“Who are you, little one?” she asked.
At the sound of Kayla’s voice the baby immediately stopped crying and looked right at her with the quiet contentment of a child in its mother’s arms. Kayla saw deep into the baby’s fiery green eyes and alabaster skin and knew right away that this was a girl baby and that she was theirs. The cool comfort in Kayla’s belly continued, as she heard Steve call to her. She slowly turned to find him standing before her. He embraced her and their baby, then reached down to run his hands lovingly over her stomach. They spread such love and cool contentment through her, even as she trembled from the cold. But where he touched her, she felt good. He kissed her head and their daughter’s, and he rubbed her belly in the way he always did when she was carrying his children. “Am I dreaming?” she asked him?
“Afraid so,” he nodded suddenly somber. “Sorry, they have to go back now.”
“They? What?”
Steve reached for the baby, but Kayla held her close to her breast and placed a protective kiss on her ringleted hair. “Don’t take her, please!”
The look on Steve’s face suddenly changed to one of fear. “Please don’t leave me, Kayla. Please don’t die.”
Steve and the baby vanished. She felt empty. Now she sank back down onto the sand that was, once again, reflecting nothing but darkness, the yellow sun, apparently, having dipped below the horizon. She pulled her knees up tight and laid her head down upon them. “Please, God,” she sent up softly to the heavens above. “Please let me wake up.”
“… Australia …” Kayla babbled.
“Australia?” he repeated as he halted his movements with the washcloth. Steve didn’t like what he was hearing and could only assume that Kayla was having torturous dreams about when Stephanie was kidnapped. “I did this to you.” He bent down and lightly kissed her lips, then he laid his head down on her chest. “I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered to her. “It’s gonna get better, now that we’ve got the meds in you. You’ll see.” What he didn’t know was that it was actually about to get worse.