Dear Steve,
I’ve written this letter so many times in my head, but I still don’t really know where to begin. I’ve poured my heart out silently over and over, but this is the first time I’ve written anything down on real paper because if my parents found it they’d probably commit me. Now that I know you’re here I can finally write it.
Kayla stopped and looked to her bedroom door, then to the sliding door on her side of the bathroom. She was writing on notebook paper lit only by the moonlight through her window. Her family was watching her every move, especially her father, and she knew they were looking through her room to get some kind of clue as to what had happened to her. Detecting no movement, she continued.
Mrs. Horton came over this morning with donuts. They were an excuse to tell me that you were finally here and picked up my message. I was so happy to see her. It’s the first time I’ve felt like my real self in a very long time. Since I jumped away from LA. I didn’t know which of us got here first, but I figured out quickly that it was me.
I got here on November 4th. It was a Wednesday after dinner. Roman was the first person I saw, and I lost my mind.
In reality, that was an understatement. She’d started screaming when she realized how far back she’d jumped. She wanted to tell him, but if she explained every detail she was dying to get out to him her hand would cramp up, and she’d be there all night. So she tried to keep this letter from becoming too much of a production.
I saw Roman and knew I had to be a child. When we jumped to 1979, I woke up in my bed and I was panicked at how far I’d jumped back. But you were here and it was ok, so I hoped maybe you were here again. I ran to your room to look for you, but you weren’t there. I couldn’t think straight and couldn’t help it, I just went into panic mode. One minute they had a little girl. The next minute they had a raging lunatic. I ran out of the house and Roman chased after me and took me back.
All I really remember is asking him what year it was and him saying it was 1970. They thought I’d gone off the deep end. They didn’t know what to do with me, so they finally just put me into my bed and let me work it out for the rest of the night. I just knew I was going to jump away from here, but I didn’t. The next day they were all walking on eggshells with me, because I was completely unable to hide that something serious has changed.
By the next day I found a way to control myself. I’m better at it now but it’s so exhausting. They know I’m not really back to normal though. I get a lot of, gosh, you sound so grown up all of the sudden. Its really hard and weird to pretend to be ten all the time.
I fake it pretty well now, but I have almost no opportunity to get out of this house and get to a phone. But I did manage to call the Orphanage. I know now that Mom and Pop don’t have the money for long distance phone calls, but the first thing I did was pick up the phone anyway. I tried asking for you. It was a bad idea, the secretary had a few choice words for me. But I had to know if you were there or not, so I tried one more time, and she said there’s a payphone for girlfriends and hung up on me. I should have known you weren’t here, because you would have crossed the world and time and space to tell me if you were. So when I realized you weren’t you yet, I didn’t know what to do. I thought about leaving, but again, I had nowhere to go. So, since I’m still here, I go to school. I didn’t know what else to do. It’s a lot of sitting at my desk and contemplating while everyone around me learns long division for the first time. But I’ll tell you, my grades are straight A’s.
At the end of that week I made it to Alice’s house. My friend, Carrie, lives a few blocks away from her. Do you remember her? I have to admit it was actually fun to see her as a little girl again. I felt more like her mother than her best friend. But spending time with her was good. I faked it well and got her to cover for me while I pretended to deliver Girl Scout Cookies to Alice. That night I wrote you a letter so you’d know I was here. I don’t know if you found it, but I sent all the money I could safely get together. I guessed that the other you wouldn’t spend it if you didn’t know where it came from.
I struggle every day. I’m so bored, because this isn’t even residency or nursing school, this is 5th grade. I’m 10 years old. You’re 15. We’re kids, Steve, dear God. I’m making the best of it, but I’ve been here so long now that the truth is that I’m scared all the time. Everything feels out of proportion. I feel small, not just in size, but in my mind. I can’t reach some of the cabinets, it’s absurd. I have no control over where I go or what I do, because I’m a child. I am a puppet. I feel helpless.
Kayla stopped to silently lay her head down on her knees and stare in depressing contemplation. She’d cried, she’d been strong, and she’d been somewhere in between in the two-plus months she’d been here that she’d finally become desensitized to her reality. She was emotionally the lowest since she’d lost Emily, but the acuity of her depression had now dimmed into an existential dullness. Whether they jumped tomorrow or in a year, it really was just a waiting game.
I was beginning to lose hope that you were ever going to arrive. The days pass so slowly, it feels like I’ve been here alone for years. I forced myself to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas with this happy family dynamic when all I wanted to do was—
She knew she shouldn’t say it, but her pen moved almost of its own accord.
– die. It’s not depression (though, yes, I get depressed), I’m just tired of it all. We’ve had some amazing years, Steve. I wouldn’t give them up, I admit that. Being in LA with you, being with Emily, and even when we were here in 1979, they were parts of our life I don’t want to ever give back. But then we get a jump like this. What’s the point of this? I don’t want to really die, but I sure as hell don’t want to be here like this for the next four years. What are we supposed to do? We cannot be together right now. You know that as well as I do. And not any time soon. And if we’re here long enough to make it ok, then I can’t even begin to cope with that. This jump is so wrong. It’s not our history. It’s our childhood. How am I supposed to remember what I did at this age? How am I supposed to make sure not to do the wrong thing? I don’t know what my life is! But when Mrs. Horton finally came with your message this morning, I was so happy. It was like I’d woken up out of a coma.
Steve, I think this is the only letter I should write you while we’re here, because there is no way for us to communicate that will work. Or that is ok. Because we can’t be together, and that will just make it worse. I know what you’re thinking, because I’ve already thought it. I’ve thought all of it. I’ve tried every possibility in my head. Even the insane ones. But there is no way around the fact that you’re 15 and I’m 10, and our lives aren’t our own. It’s not like 1979. It’s not like we’re even both teenagers. Or even in the same town to keep an eye on each other. We can’t run away and hide this time. We can’t do anything but have courage to wait.
Please don’t call. I won’t be able to take it and I don’t think you will either. But not knowing if you’re ok is killing me. I can’t get mail here without getting questioned. Right now your old apartment under Shenanigans is just empty. It’s not even Shenanigans yet. Send me a letter there. Luckily it’s not far, so I’ll be checking as often as I can get away with.
I am so grateful that you have Marcus. I hope you can find something to hold on to with him. Remember who you are. I love you.
Kayla
Steve rolled over and held Kayla’s letter to his heart. It was just after 2am, and he’d been barely keeping it together since dinner when mail was distributed to the residents. He tore into it while Marcus watched. His stone exterior served him well as he forced himself to go numb at its contents. Marcus tried to question him, but Steve wasn’t having it. He got up, told Marcus not to follow him, and found a dark corner in the janitor’s closet to let himself go. He read the letter a second time. Then a third. He re-read it several more times after that, picking apart every word. Now in his bunk while the rest of the room slept, Steve could feel the careful word choice Kayla had put into the letter and felt a strange comfort in the fact that she knew him so well. But he also felt more than a little helpless. All I wanted to do was die … I don’t know what my life is … He didn’t like this dark place Kayla was in. But he did understand it,, because he felt the same way. He knew the hopeless feeling of waiting for her when he’d jumped first. Waiting for her to arrive. Waiting eleven days. Waiting two weeks. He didn’t know how he could survive like this another two months if it came to that, but she’d managed it. And he was so proud of her for being so strong and having so much courage.
Steve had to face the concept of really, truly, Not communicating directly – basically missing each other on a jump. This was truly new ground. They’d gone to unshared time, they’d gone into decades before their time; but it never really occurred to him that the preposterousness of being kids could happen.
I am a puppet.
Steve blinked.
A puppet. Like a puppet. “Like goddamned puppets,” Steve whispered. He balled up his hands into tight fists. The sudden flash of anger brought an extremely heavy dose of motivation into him. They were getting through this jump. And they were getting out of the puppet business.
Remember who you are.
“I will, Sweetness. And I’ll make sure you do, too.”
============================
Kayla’s walk home from school was one of the only times she was truly alone. Two days a week she was responsible for getting Bo home with her from the elementary school they attended; but, the other three days a week he had after-school sports, and she was actually on her own. It was no more than 30 minutes, because Caroline would always be there waiting for her kids, so she used those minutes on those only days she had very wisely. Luckily, the building that wasn’t yet Shenanigans was between school and home. And on this day exactly one week after Alice had visited with donuts, Kayla’s heart flipped when she saw the envelope with the writing in Steve’s hurried swishes. She felt dizzy as she grabbed it out of the old, dented mailbox. Then she sat down on the steps and began to read.
Dear Kayla,
If we’re real lucky you won’t get this letter because by now we’ve jumped out of this walk down memory lane. I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t take any of this real good. But when I realized how long you’ve been here I lost my mind. Please hang on. Just hang on. I know it’s killing you because it’s killing me too. But listen to me, you’re so strong baby and I don’t want you worrying about me. I’m going to be strong for you now, and we’re going to get through this.
When I got here I did the math, then did the same as you and ran. I haven’t seen this place in so long, but I remembered where the doors were. Wouldn’t you know it, Marcus followed me and dragged me back. I found your letter that first day. The other me had hidden it, I think, but I found it in my trunk, and I don’t know how much you sent, but $40 bucks is left. I don’t know how you got that kind of money. All I bought so far is stamps. But I’m telling you, if I hadn’t found the letter telling me to call Mrs. Horton, I don’t know what I would have done.
I want to talk to you so bad. But you’re right. I wish you weren’t, but you’re the smart one, Sweetness, and you’re right. And I don’t know what to say either. Everything’s wrong. I’m off. I don’t know how to be me any more than you know how to be you. I don’t know how we can be together. I know we made this ripple with the last jump but we can’t be sorry. Because this isn’t our fault. But don’t you worry, because when we get out of this I’m going to fix it.
The truth is though that every day I almost take the rest of the money and buy a bus ticket to Salem, because the truth is that I don’t know how to do this without you. But then I come to my senses and realize I can’t show up at your door this time. And I remember that I’m your anchor. I promised you I would, so I’m going to find a way. I’m not going to let you down again.
Like I said, Marcus is here. You’re not going to believe this, but I told him. I told him everything. Told him about you, that we were time travelling, and that we got three kids by 2009. He barely blinked. He just accepted it at face value. I thought he was just telling me what I wanted to hear to get me back to the orphanage, but no. For real, baby, he believes me just like back in 87. And get this, he makes me go to class. I wanted to knock him from here to next Sunday, but he actually threw the jumps at me. He said if I want to live the timeline I got to go to class. I told him he’s a jive turkey but I go. I think if we just do what we can to do what these bodies were supposed to be doing at this time, we’ll jump somewhere normal next time.
Kayla I know you said you’re not going to write again. But if you need to write me you just say you’re writing to a pen pal you got at school. Got the idea from Marcus. Told Mrs. H the same thing when she wouldn’t stop grilling me. She doesn’t believe me, but that’s the story I’m sticking to.
I don’t know how long we’re going to be here. I hope it’s not another minute longer, but I’ll do what you said. I’ll stay here. But if you need me, you just let me know, and this year be damned, I’ll find you.
Thank you. For finding me before I could lose myself. I’ll see you soon. And I promise I’ll fix this.
I love you Sweetness,
Steve
Kayla rubbed her fingertips over Steve’s penmanship and tried to feel his soul; tried to absorb it and feel his presence with her. She closed her eyes and saw him standing in front of her in her mind’s eye. Saw him walk up these very stairs and pick her up by the shoulders and look into her eyes. Felt him hold her in a reassuring embrace. And she felt the hope he tried to instill with his written words. He pulled back from her and signed “courage.”
Kayla opened her eyes and smiled. It wasn’t a happy smile; it was, in fact, full of melancholy. But she felt his promise of stability from across these miles. And for this moment, it was enough.
The next month was brutal on both of them. Kayla had never worked so hard at pretending. There was no comparing this to other jumps, because it was like apples to oranges. Yes, she was safe; yes, she was free from responsibility; yes, she was healthy. But she was separated from Steve; she was flying blind on how to be a ten-year-old; and, she had just about zero independence. And, boy, did she need some. It was by far the hardest part of this timeline – never being left alone. Never being trusted. Never being able to make a decision for herself. Because that’s what parents are there for when you’re a child.
She’d long since convinced her parents that she was normal again and managed to put everyone at some kind of ease. She sat with her schoolbooks on the couch and pretended to read them. She played with Bo like he’d expected of his best friend at that age. She behaved like her older siblings’ little sister to the best of her memory. But her inadvertent bouts of adulting had caught everyone’s notice. Roman laughed in utter amusement when Kayla would sound like a 48-year-old woman, and Caroline kept chalking it up to hormones growing her up. Shawn really wasn’t sure what to make of his youngest daughter’s random bouts of rapid maturity, but he couldn’t say he was disappointed to see her grades be literally perfect 100s on every assignment for months now; still he tended to keep an eye on her. Bo would look at her sideways sometimes but usually was just happy to have his best friend around. For Kimberly, though, it was complicated. Her moody teenage disposition was multi-faceted, but she was bitter at the fact that Kayla had stolen some focus from their father, and she let her resentment show. So Kayla just continued to swim a wide path around Kimberly, just as she’d done for the last four years. On a daily basis, Kayla did find some joy; but the subtext of her reality was miserable.
Steve experienced a similar dichotomy, but he did have something Kayla did not. An ally. They both felt like their existences were kind of ridiculous, and they both felt their hearts breaking with loneliness for each other. But Kayla had no one to talk to, while Steve had Marcus. Every day, Steve’s best friend asked him to tell him stories of the future. At first Steve refused, because he didn’t know how long they’d be here for the advanced information to ruin things. But then the thought of an extended stay started to give him anxiety like he’d never experienced before. The amplification effect latched on whenever Steve thought about it and made him so dizzy he nearly passed out. Steve didn’t know how much this body could take, and he didn’t want to risk dying here. So, he refused to allow himself that “what if” and went ahead and told Marcus lots of stories. Personal computers and smartphones made Marcus’s jaw drop. The deaths of Elvis Presley and John Lennon made it drop farther.
“No way, man, we just lost Hendrix! We can’t lose Lennon and the King, too.”
“Just wait ‘till Belushi, you’re really gonna feel that one.”
“Who’s Belushi?”
“Forget it.”
But for every night Marcus made Steve grateful he was there, Steve felt a debilitating guilt that his wife didn’t have the same luxury. She had her family, but no one that knew who she really was. And that was a burden that Steve would have done anything to lift from her. He missed her so much that there were times he was too overwhelmed to function. He’d written her letters then torn them up. He’d gone to the payphone to dial her, then run away. Instead of caving to how much he wanted to talk to her, however, Steve redirected himself and set out a plan to do what he promised once they jumped away from there – fix this so that it never happened again.
But Kayla did find some support. Alice Horton spotted Kayla while running errands one day and wondered just where the girl was going when she turned down Chestnut Avenue. It didn’t take long for her to realize there was nowhere a girl this age should be in this direction and followed her.
“Looking for word from your pen pal?” Kayla startled at Mrs. Horton’s voice and whirled around to see her standing at the bottom of the concrete steps. “Can I assume the young man in California is writing you here?”
“I-I-I … ah …”
“Kayla, I agreed to be your secret-keeper, but this is not an area of town that you should be by yourself.”
“Yes, um, I think I … got lost … on the way home from …” Alice gave Kayla a look that told her to save it. “Yes,” she gave up, “I’m just checking to see if there’s a letter.”
“Are you expecting one?”
“Not really, but … just in case.”
“Mm-hmm. Why here?”
Kayla crossed her arms and shifted her gaze downward. “I can’t say.”
Alice climbed the stairs and held Kayla by the shoulder. “You’re not quite yourself these days, are you, dear?” Kayla shook her head. “And I’m the only one who really knows that, aren’t I?” Kayla felt a rare slip of her mask and felt a tear slip down her cheek that she brushed away. It was a very unchildlike movement. “Sit down here with me.” Kayla complied and sat on the step beside Alice. “If you can’t tell me, then I’m not a very good choice as secret-keeper. Now, Kayla? Tell me. Why this place?”
Kayla sighed. She was so tired. Tired of pretending and being on 24/7. So for right now, in this moment, she let herself stop. “Because even though it’s just a warehouse right now, one day when I’m older, it’s going to mean something to me. It’s going to be … safe … and it’s almost going to feel like home.”
“One day, huh? Like maybe today?”
Kayla turned and looked up into Alice’s bright blue eyes. The overwhelming wave of homesickness washed over her without warning, and before she knew it she was crying.
Alice took Kayla into her arms and held her while she let it out. All the loneliness of these endless weeks. The loss of her life in LA with Steve and Stephanie. The loss of Joey that had just been in her arms for such a painfully short amount of time. The loss of her daughter that she knew she’d never see again. And the loss of the control over her own destiny. She cried for the fear of the real horror that being here truly meant for future jumps. And she cried for the fact that she’d rather be dead than jump forever into oblivion.
Alice was like a rock. She comforted Kayla while the girl let her emotions out. And she felt a very unexpected connection with Kayla that made her believe in this young girl. It wasn’t anything Alice understood in rational terms; she just knew that Kayla was in every bit of turmoil she’d said, and that she needed to help her manage the emotional toll it was taking on her.
It felt so good for Kayla to let go. To finally find some comfort from someone. For the first time in months, Kayla didn’t worry about trying to be in 1971, she just let herself be the woman she was. And she let herself fall apart for the few minutes her soul needed to cope.
“I’m not supposed to be here!” Kayla cried into Alice’s chest. “This is wrong, and I’m just not supposed to be here.”
“But you are here, child. You are here. And you have to take it one day at a time and keep going.”
“How?! How am I going to do that?”
Alice placed an affectionate palm on the back of Kayla’s head. “You just do. That’s all, you just do.”
“But what if I do the wrong thing? What if I live it wrong? I might have messed it up already just by being here on these steps with you. Then next time will be even worse, we could be even younger! It just ke-ke-keeps getting wor-wor-worse!”
Now Alice separated Kayla from her bosom, held her by one shoulder and tilted her chin up with her index finger. “Now you listen to me. I think you’re doing just fine. Your mother told me the other day that you’re doing well in school and growing up even faster than your sister. So, it sure seems to me like you’re figuring out how to not mess things up.” Kayla sniffled and blinked through her tears. “You are much stronger than you let on, Kayla. You want to know how to keep going? By putting one foot in front of the other. Then you do it again. Before you know it you’re going to wake up the next day. Then you do it again and keep going.”
Kayla took a shuddering breath. “Mrs. Horton, I d-d-don’t really know who I even am right now.”
“You, my dear, are Kayla Brady. And that is all you need to remember.”
Kayla nodded and dried her face on her coat sleeve. Alice held her hand while her tears ebbed, and then she said one more thing.
“One day … is out there, Kayla. Today … this is not a place that’s home. So how about you let me start checking for letters, and if I find one, I’ll bring it to you.”
“I … I really can take care of myself.”
“Yes, well. I’m not so worried you being here,” she gestured randomly. “I’m more worried about how what you’re really looking for is making you feel in here,” she pointed to Kayla’s heart. And Kayla knew Alice was right. Coming here – looking for Steve – it was bad for her. It was the whole reason she’d told him they couldn’t communicate. She had to stop.
“So, how about it?”
Kayla nodded. “Yeah. Ok. You’re right. I think this … might … be bad for me.” Alice gave her a little nod. “You’ll really check here? The mail, I mean?”
“I think it might be better if we just let Steve know that if he wants to write his pen pal that there’s been a change in address.”
That afternoon Steve was shocked to be taken out of gym class where he was running laps. Mr. Thompson’s secretary curled her finger at him from the gym door with a look that meant business.
“You have a phone call.” Steve paled. “I don’t know what you’re doing, but if I have to tell one more girlfriend to call that payphone we’re going to have a problem.”
Steve was on autopilot as he followed the woman to her desk. When he got there, he barely had any breath he was so nervous.
“Kayla?” he rasped into the phone.
“Not quite,” Alice said on the other end of the phone. “I believe last time we talked you called me ‘Mrs. H.’ several times.” Steve felt himself crash back down to earth. He was disappointed and relieved and confused and thought he might pass out. “Are you there?”
“Yes!” he replied quickly. “Yes. I just – you’re not who I expected.”
“Yes, well, neither did the lady whom I had to argue with to get you to the phone. Now this is a long distance call, so I need you to listen.”
“Is Kayla ok?”
“She’s fine. But from now on, if you have any more pen paling to do, you send them to my house. No more of that warehouse. Now write down this address.”
“I know it.”
Alice raised her eyebrows with knowing reproach. “Tell me, young man, why am I not surprised?” Steve stammered a bit and asked her why the change. “Because going to that place isn’t good for Kayla. So you can either trust me or give me a hard time and I call this whole thing off.”
“No. No, I trust you. It’s just—what do you mean it’s bad for Kayla?”
“I think,” she said with a gentled voice, “it makes her sad.”
Steve nodded and bounced back and forth a bit. “Ok. Got it.” But he had so many questions. Like how this whole thing came about. “Mrs. H. you’re lookin’ out for her, aren’t you? Makin’ sure she’s ok?”
“If you’re still on that phone when the director comes back I’m not covering for you, Stevie,” the secretary piped in with real frustration.
“Almost done,” he growled with his hand over the mouthpiece. She narrowed her eyes at him.
“Yes, Steve, I am. I’ll tell you the same thing I told her. Wake up, live your life one day at a time, wake up the next day. Alright?” Steve heard so much subtext here, and it worried him. “Now I’m not a PO Box. But this is the place to reach your pen pal.”
“Sounds like you’re looking out for me, too.”
“Well, somebody has to.”
Steve heard the smile on her face and chuckled. If only she knew how many years he currently had on her. “Thank you, Mrs. Horton.”
“Your welcome. Bye bye now.”
“Bye.”
The middle-aged blonde woman glared at Steve after he hung up the phone.
“You call your girlfriends, Missus?” she patronized.
“She sound like a girlfriend, baby?”
“She sounds like the last person who calls here looking for you before I out you to Mr. Thompson.”
“Aw, don’t be like that, I’m just a pussycat.”
She was unimpressed. “Get back to class.”
That night Steve offloaded it all to Marcus.
“You think she knows like I do?”
Steve rubbed at his peach-fuzzy face and shook his head. “I don’t think so. But she’s got this weird sense of just knowing stuff sometimes. It’s why we chose her. She’s reliable, we always know where she is, and she doesn’t know how to say no to someone that needs her.”
“Who needs her. It’s who not that.”
“Homey, I’m not gonna be writin’ the great American novel. I don’t give a shit about the syntax.”
“Grammar. Syntax is a part of grammar, but who instead of what is just straight grammar.”
“You tryin’ to get yourself beat over the head?”
“Nah, it’s just for an old man, you really don’t know shit.”
“Well pardon the hell outta my lexicon, Marcus.”
“No, see, there’s another one, lexicon is yet a whole ‘nother thing.”
“Shows what you know, ‘cause ain’t no such word as ‘nother, man.”
“What?”
“He’s on second, Who’s on first, and now you can shut the fuck up before I beat you.”
Marcus laughed as he left the room. He got his best friend to smile, which was no small thing these days.
On February 11th Kayla was surprised to see Mrs. Horton lingering by the fish market. Her pulse quickened as she greeted her and sent Bo inside. She handed Kayla a small manila envelope addressed to Alice.
“I believe there’s something in here for you.”
A look at the handwriting was all she needed. Kayla thanked Alice and hugged her, which Alice returned warmly before heading back home.
Kayla sat at her desk in her bedroom and carefully opened the manila envelope. Inside was a card that was slipped inside of a sealed yellow envelope. It was a birthday card. Steve had written five lines.
I’m thinking of Little Sweetness today.
I know you are, too.
We’ll hear her voice again.
I can’t wait to hear yours.
Courage
Kayla had ached for Stephanie all day today on her birthday. She pictured her sleeping in her bed in Los Angeles. She pictured her changing her brother’s diaper. She pictured her with her own diaper. And she smiled. This card was exactly what she needed. It was connection to Steve and to their life. To their family. And to her sanity.
“Thank you, Steve,” she whispered.
He promised to be her anchor. And he was.
One evening shortly thereafter, Kimberly came barreling into Kayla’s room.
“You took my brush without asking!”
Kayla turned her head to look at her sister from where she was sitting her bed reading. “I don’t remember you ever being angry at me for using it before.”
“Well now I am.”
Kayla was beyond caring what Kimberly thought. “Ya know what, we never fought like this the first time around, what changed?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about you. You’re mad at me all the time. Did I pee in your Wheaties?” She smirked at herself; Steve would have liked her usage of his unique wit.
“That’s disgusting.”
“I’m tired of tiptoeing around you, what’s the deal?”
“The deal? What’s the deal? What on earth does that mean?”
“It means why are you always mad at me?”
Kayla had noticed for some time now that the level of rancor Kimberly had for her was out of place, and as far as she knew she was doing what she was supposed to as far as the timeline. So, she wanted to know once and for all what had changed.
“You’re tiptoeing? No, baby sister, we’re the ones all tiptoeing around you. Because ever since you threw the biggest tantrum this side of the Mississippi you started acting like a great big know-it-all. Like you’re the smartest person because you suddenly get all the best grades! For months you’ve been acting like you’ve just got every answer!”
It was that first day, Kayla realized. My arrival into this timeline is what changed her. Right from the get go. “Great,” she said out loud.
“No, not great, Kayla. It’s not great. I used to be the best and the brightest, and now it’s like I don’t even matter.”
Now Kayla’s eyes widened. “Jealousy? You’re jealous? Oh my God, Kimmy. I do not have the patience for this.”
“See? Like that. Why do you insist on talking that way, its annoying!”
“Fine, ya know what, you’re the best and the brightest. You’re going to become someone really special one day. Tour Europe doing … all kinds of exotic things … and one day you’ll even get help for the things that have affected you. But you know what you won’t do? You won’t ever apologize to me or any of us for letting Pop call you his favorite. For letting Pop call you the best one. The brightest one. No parent should say that to their kids, especially in front of their other kids, but parents aren’t perfect. But you’re never going to be sorry you got to have it said to you. You’ll just hang on to that. Happy?”
Shawn had been listening outside the door. And he didn’t like what he’d just heard.
“I’m sorry I used your brush without asking. I won’t do it again. You can leave my room now and go be your very best somewhere else.”
Kimberly just looked on at her sister with her mouth gaping open, not sure what to say. For her part, she did look somewhat contrite.
Kim walked out of Kayla’s room, and Shawn walked in.
“Quite a row ye just had with yer sister, there, lass.” Kayla realized her father had overheard. She wasn’t sure what to say, so she just nodded and moved her legs over when he went to sit beside her. “Last year, we were real worried about ye.”
“I know, Pop. I’m sorry.”
“Scared yer mother half to death that night.”
“Growing pains.”
“Yeah, you’ve done some growin’ there, too. When ye talk, sometimes ya sound older than even I am.”
Kayla gave him a wily smile. “Guess I’m ten going on 48 or something.”
“Yeah, well yer almost eleven, now. Learnin’ quick, those grades are highest they ever been.”
Shawn took Kayla’s hand in his and kissed it. “I want ye to know,” he said very softly, “You’re right. I shouldna said that to Kimmy all these years. But I want ye t’know why. It’s not ‘cause she’s better than you three. Or brighter than you three. It’s ‘cause she needed to hear it more than you three.”
Kayla was taken aback. Her eyes welled up with tears for the love she could see in her father. Not just for her but for all of them.
“Can ye forgive me?”
Kayla nodded. “Thanks, Pop. For telling me.”
Shawn held his daughter in a loving embrace and smiled when she held him back.
“Ok, now finish up, it’s almost bedtime.”
Kayla glanced at the clock. 8:30. A truly insane bedtime for a grown up. Which she wasn’t. “It’s just a book, not homework.”
“Oh, I know that, lass. You’ve always done your schoolwork on the couch.”
Kayla smiled. “Yes, I guess some things never change.”
“There ye go again, soundin’ like you’re just so old.”
Two nights later, Kayla felt markedly unwell. The hopelessness and nausea were crushing. And she just knew somewhere inside her that she wasn’t going to be here much longer. It was a strange clash of emotions running through her; hope that she’d be jumping, but also depression brought on by the errant ripple in time. The next morning before school, Kayla called Alice Horton.
“I just wanted to thank you,” she said.
“Well, Kayla, this is an awfully early hour for you to be thanking me.”
“I think I remember you showing up with donuts right around this time a couple months ago, so I figured you’d be up.”
“Yes, fair enough,” she chuckled. “And you’re welcome.”
“Really. You’ve been … I just don’t think I would have made it without you here. Thank you. For Steve and me.”
Alice heard the finality in Kayla’s grown up little voice. “Well, I—I’m glad that I could help you, Kayla Brady.”
That night Kayla was in the middle of eating dinner with her family when the tug came hard to her diaphragm. She didn’t cry out, she didn’t even try to say goodbye to anyone. She just felt gratitude that she was finally leaving this nightmare. She waited in silence as Roman and her mother traded discussion points. She closed her eyes when the room tilted. And prayed to God that Steve – her Steve – would be there when she landed.