Find Me – Chapter 134

Kayla had always been partial to robes.  She’d had warm ones for curling up at night and short ones for warmer days.  She loved the way the shimmery, silk robes felt against her skin and how they hugged her curves to tease her husband at what was beneath.  She still owned, in 2009, the black robe with the lace collar she’d had throughout their early relationship, though it was relegated to the back of a closet.  Now here in the final hours of the year 2000, she was drawn to the emotional comfort it would have provided, like Stephanie was to her stuffed animals.  It wasn’t here, however, so she settled for the fluffy, white robe that hung on a hook in the bathroom. 

She hugged her arms around herself as she sat on the closed lid of the toilet.  The room was still humid from her shower, but she wasn’t ready to come out yet, so she leaned her head back against the wall, closed her eyes, and let herself feel the thick terry cloth against her damp skin as she thought about what Steve had said.

That’s what you think it is, right?  Leaving you?  Not keeping you alive?  … If that’s what it takes to keep you breathing, then that’s a promise I’ll be breaking, over and over again!  Because I would die for you!

The physicality of the sex they had just outside the door had helped forge some kind of connection, and holding on to that as the water washed over her helped drain the anger that seemed to take her over.  Kayla knew Steve was acting only to protect her, but she couldn’t help how she felt.Was it the right thing?  Going with them?  Deep down she knew it was.  Not only to keep Stephanie alive, but to keep both of them alive, too.  Neither of them thought of Stephanie like everyone else in this timeline – temporary – but the fact was that she would reset.  If she died here, she’d keep living elsewhere.  They weren’t willing to lose her, but God-forbid if they did she would survive.  They knew no such thing about themselves.  Rolf had made it very clear that he didn’t know what would happen if one of them died here in the slipstream.  That’s why Steve wasn’t willing to gamble with either of their lives.  Why he surrendered to his handler.  And as the fury dulled into something less soul-crushing, it was why Kayla knew deep down that … it was right for him to go with them.

It was wrong, however, for him to make these decisions for them without her.  And much as she wanted to just let it go, she couldn’t.  And it’s why she stayed in that bathroom in the comfort of her robe and continued to feel angry.

Meanwhile, Steve was agonizing in his own shower.  He hated being mad at Kayla.  It made him anxious, depressed, and a little lost.  It was bad enough in their regular lives, but here in the isolation of the slipstream, it felt lonely, too.  What made things so much worse for him this time was that Kayla saw this as something he’d done to her, not for her.  Did she really think he was making all the decisions?  That’s not what this was.

Maybe it is, he thought to himself as the water beat down on him.  Maybe you’re being a control freak.

Was he?  Stefano wasn’t going to back down and would kill the people Steve loved.  If it wasn’t his handler or the Meter Reader or Pencil Dick, it would be someone else, but the bottom line was that it would be someone.   Now she was mad at him for not letting that someone be her.

He finally turned off the water and wrapped a towel around his waist.  He cleared a path across the fogged-up mirror with one hand and looked at himself in the misty reflection.  He saw the dulled anger continuing to linger.  The fact that it hadn’t gone away made him panicky. 

When Steve came out of the bathroom with the towel still around his waist, he found Kayla on the couch with a pillow under her head and a blanket folded at her feet.  She layed on her right side with her knees drawn up into herself and facing into the back of the couch.  She wore a baggy, gray t-shirt and pair of boxers.  Rather than acknowledge her evident intentions, he went in another direction.

“Nice boxers.”  Kayla didn’t reply, mainly because she could hear that he didn’t particularly enjoy coming up with the jibe any more than she enjoyed hearing it.  “Those starndard issue ISA underthings?”

“There’s clothes in the dresser,” she replied softly.  “Package of men’s t-shirts, boxers, other stuff.”  

“They don’t have your size?” he asked as he headed for the bedroom.

“I don’t think they were expecting me.”

There wasn’t much in the three dresser drawers; men’s basics, but all of it was brand new in size extra large.  “I don’t think they were expecting me, either, these are more Chase’s size than mine.”  He took out a t-shirt and pair of boxers gtom the Hanes bags Kayla had already opened.  “Anything in the closet?”

“Didn’t look.”

“Yeah?  Then where’d ya get the extra-curricular pillow and blanket?”

“Don’t start with me, Steve.”  But he wanted to start with her.  The sight of her clearly intending to sleep apart from him had amped his anger right back up again, and the negativity he was associating with her right now terrified him.

“You’re the one that started it, baby, I’m just continuing it.”

“Then I’m ending it, ‘cause I’m going to sleep.”

“There?”

“Yes.”

“On the couch.”

“Yes,” she repeated.”

“At 10 o’clock on New Year’s Eve?”

Yes,” she said testily.”

“But, I’m not tired.”

“Well, I am, Goodnight!

“You makin’ that decision all on your own?”

That was it.  She swung her legs down and shot up to meet him. He was still in the towel, holding the t-shirt and boxers in his hand.  “You know what?  You don’t get to be indignant!”

“Like hell I don’t, Kayla.”

Her freshly washed face was free of the makeup that had smeared her lower lids, but the hurt creasing her eyes remained.  “You know what’s worse?  It’s not that you don’t get it.  It’s that you won’t let me have a voice.  Ever.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it, Jesus!”

“No its not!  When push comes to shove, you act without listening to what I might have to say about it!”

“I hear every word you say, Kayla!”

“But you don’t listen!  And every single time you know what happens?  I get burned.  I have so many scars that not all of them are even healed before the next one comes!”  It hurt Steve to hear this. 

“I’m trying to save your life!”

“God.  You still only see your own agenda.”  Steve swallowed hard, then looked up and away from her in silence.  “Now please. Let me go to bed.”

“Not here.”

“Yes, here.”  She picked up the blanket and let it unfold before wrapping it around herself. 

“Then I think you got things a little backwards, I’m the one supposed to be on the couch.”

“I’m perfectly capable taking the couch.”

“I’m mad as hell at you, baby, but I don’t want you to be the one sleepin’ out here.”

“Well, that’s too bad.  See, I’ve made that decision for us.  How does it feel not having a say?”

Now Steve felt something suck the anger out of him.  It was deep sadness.  As a result, his voice was the first to waver.  “You’re really gonna do this?”   The look on his face was so dejected, and Kayla almost couldn’t do it.  She didn’t even want to do it.

Then why am I?  “Goodnight,” she said again, this time with a little less confidence.  Then she sat back down on the couch, so Steve simply turned and went into the bedroom.

How had it actually come to this?  He’d been furious at Kayla so few times in his life that it felt like thorns had suddenly grown all around him.  He knew the same could not be said of her.  This was not the first time she’d had it up to here with him, and all those other times he understood why.  This time he felt completely in the right and was so mad about her reaction that he almost couldn’t deal with it.  But he still didn’t want to sleep apart from her. Steve turned out the light and rolled over, the suite now pitch dark as he felt the rejection.

The wrongness of this physical separation hit Kayla the moment her husband went back into the bedroom.  She didn’t think she was being unfair a minute ago, but now the hurt in Steve’s voice echoed in her head.  And so did a memory from more than three years ago.  A memory where Steve didn’t want to sleep apart from her, even though he’d just learned that she’d been keeping the secret of her relationship with Shane from him.  He’d never been more angry at her, but he didn’t reject her.  I am mad at you.  Doesn’t mean I don’t love you.  This rejection was wrong.  And she didn’t want to do it to him.

Steve understood that his wife needed space.  The truth was, he needed it, too.  It was bad enough in the house for the last month where there was, literally, no escape from each other; now they were going to be stuck in just two rooms until that rabid Italian was put down.  So he was going to find a way to give both of them room to breathe.  But they had to sleep in the same bed at night.  Hadn’t they already learned that sleeping apart was bad for them?  If she wouldn’t come to bed, then he would go to her.

Steve and Kayla collided right into each other in the bedroom doorway.  Kayla yelped, and Steve grunted loudly as they both hit the floor in a tumble right over each other.  Startled out of their wits, they each thought the worst, but only for a moment. 

“Baby?!”

“Steve!”

“I’m here!”

They reached out in the darkness and found only each other, not one of Stefano’s unaccounted for henchmen.  They helped each other up, and Steve found the light switch.  Kayla was rubbing her forehead, Steve shook out his wrist.

“You hit your head?”

“Against the door jamb,” she nodded.  “I’m ok.”

“Are you sure, maybe we should check you out.”

“I’m checking myself out, see?” she made a point of exaggerating the motion of her fingertips at her hairline.  “I’m fine.  It’s a bump.”

They looked at each other for several long moments in silence. 

“I was coming in,” Kayla said.

Steve smiled.  “I was coming out.”  Kayla’s smile was much more subtle, but it was clear, and Steve’s heart fluttered.  “Come here,” he whispered.  “Please.”  He held his arms out, and Kayla walked into them.  She leaned the side of her head against her husband’s chest and let him embrace his arms tightly around her.  They stayed that way for several long moments, letting the connection they’d made earlier start to mend them. 

“Your hand ok?”

Steve nodded, then pulled back to inspect her forehead.  “You’re sure it’s just a bump?”  She assured him it was, and he placed a kiss upon it.  She smiled enough to show that they’d rounded a corner, but this was not over.  “I’m still mad at you,” she said.

Steve nodded.  “I’m still mad at you, too.  And it feels real bad.”

Kayla shrugged a nod in agreement.  “It hurts to be this mad at someone you love.  And I do love you.” 

“I needed to hear that.  I love you, too.  So, you wanna be all mad, that’s just fine, but do it with me, not sleepin’ on the couch.”

She nodded again. “I’m sorry.  For not sleeping with you,” she clarified, “not for how I feel.”

“You were coming in to talk, or you were coming in to sleep?”

“I was coming in to talk.  Then to sleep.”

“Ok,” Steve said. And there was a measure of relief in that.  Kayla turned on the lamp on the nightstand and closed her eyes as she rubbed at her hairline.  God, how he hated seeing her in pain, no matter how much he was feeling of his own.  “Where are you going?!” she called after him as he left the room.

“Just wait.”  She did, but she wasn’t happy about it.  When he returned he had a dishtowel filled with ice.  He sat on the edge of the bed, scooted up close to her, and placed it on the spot she’d whacked agaist the doorway.  Wow,” he snarked, “lettin’ me take care of you.”

Kayla’s shoulders fell.  “And we were doing so well for those four minutes.”

Steve dropped his head and took a breath.  “You’re right.  I’m sorry, Sweetness.”  Calling her that helped them both.  “I’m an asshole when I’m mad.”  He looked her significantly in the eye and noticed when for once she didn’t argue that point with him. 

“You promised me we’d never have makeup sex again.”

“Well, we’re not real made up yet, so no promise broken.”  Kayla crossed her arms and scoffed.  “Now, you wanna start, or should I?”

“Fine.  You went with them.”  It was an accusation.  “Just let them take you away.”

Steve nodded.  “I did.”

“Without letting me have a single say about it.”

“What did you expect me to do?”

“I expected you to—”

“No, baby.  I want you to really think about this.”  For the time being, they were both still very calm, but that was not going to last long.  “What choices were there?  They found me.  He was tellin’ me that he’d kill you right there in front of everyone.  He didn’t use words, but he said it.  Now you think about it, and you tell me what I should have done.”

Kayla took the towel of ice from where he was still holding it against her head and rested it in her lap.  “Ya know what?” she shrugged as she stared at the bundle, “you’re right.”

Steve didn’t know what to do with that.  “I am?” 

She nodded sadly.  “If we didn’t have Stephanie in this timeline – if it was just us – I think I would have wanted to run.  Just run away and hide until we jumped.  If people died along the way then they would, they’d live on in the next timeline.  But we can’t do that here.  We’re not a couple in this jump, we’re a family.”

“We’re always a couple, Sweetness.”  Kayla looked up and smiled sadly at her husband.  He loved her, and she loved him.  She didn’t fight him when he took the ice from her lap and held it against her head again. 

“We’re not just a couple,” Kayla clarified.  “If we were, what I would have expected was for us to stay together.  But we have to think of Stephanie.  So … yeah,” she conceded, “… you’re right.  You couldn’t risk them getting to Stephanie, so you going with them was the right decision.  But you made that decision without me.”  Steve started to bray a little.  She took the ice away once and for all and placed the towel on the nightstand.  “Steve, you wanted me to listen, and I did. Now it’s your turn.”  He folded his arms and nodded.  “I’m so tired of constantly being the subject of your decisions and not part of them.”

“That’s not fair, Kayla.”

“I think it is.  When there’s danger, you take one for the team without consulting the team.  I’m a big girl, I can handle more than you give me credit for.”

“You think I don’t know that?  You raised our baby girl all by yourself.  You put yourself through med school with no one to help you.  You’ve stood up to every bullshit thing I’ve brought into your life, including Stefano Dimera.  I know just how much you can handle, baby.”  Guilt wove its way through Kayla.  Technically, Stefano Dimera was someone she brought into Steve’s life, not the other way around.  She dismissed it for now. “But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stand by and let anything hurt you.  What was discussing it in the middle of the dance floor gonna do for us?”

“It would have at least made me part of this and not the object of it.”

“God, Kayla, how can you think – any of this?!”  His anger was amping up again.  He wanted to get up and move, but he stayed there beside her on the bed. 

“Because I need to be able to speak for myself!”  Her pleading expression was hard on Steve.  “Ya know, you’re not the only one who’s capable of making sacrifices!”  

“I think 16 years of sacrifice was enough.”

“But yours wasn’t?”  Steve pumped his jaw and looked away.  “I believe you, he was ready to kill me.  But you just made the decision without me.  I should have had a say in whether I faced it or not.”

“No!  That I can’t do, Kayla.”  Now Steve did stand up.  “I’m not lettin’ you.  That doesn’t mean you’re an object to me. I hate that you said that!  What it means is that I can’t go on if you die.  And I’m not gonna let it happen.”

“Steve, what if you die?”

“I’ve been dead before.”

“This isn’t funny!”  This time he wasn’t trying to be  “Do you know how panicked I was?   I just knew that you were going to be killed this time. I felt it in my bones.  If you died in this timeline, you might not make it into the next!  What if I’d never see you again?  I’d be jumping forever without you.”  Kayla couldn’t help her tears.  The thought of this very real possibility was really and truly terrifying.

Steve softened considerably.  “The other me would be there for you.” 

“But it wouldn’t be the same, and you know it.”  He did.  Tears ran down Kayla’s face.  Steve knew the possibilities were scaring her, but he wouldn’t lie to her about this.  Tonight was at least the third time they’d nearly lost each other since they’d started jumping, and he’d learned, now, that he wouldn’t be able to go on if that happened.  So, this was just how it was going to have to be.  Kayla swiped the tears from her cheeks and sighed deeply.  “The same could be said in reverse, you know, I die, and you get the other me.  We could go round and round on this and go nowhere.”

“There is a difference.”

“What, ‘cause I’ve already proven that I can live without you, ‘cause I did it?  That’s what you’re saying?” 

“Somethin’ like that, yeah.” 

“And you already know that you’re capable of being dead.”

“Exactly.”

“I don’t’ want you to die for me!”

“Well, I don’t want you to die because of me!”

“Even if some of that were true, I just … I need a voice, Steve.  You have to stop making knee-jerk decisions.  

“Sweetness?  Sometimes that’s all I’ve got.  That’s what tonight was.  I saw him standin’ in the street, watchin’ Dr. Oncology drive away with you.  I saw the three of them take off after you, and I knew it was over for me.  Because if it wasn’t, then it was gonna be over for you and Stephanie instead.  All I had to keep me goin’ was my knee jerk reaction.”

Kayla’s emotions were not cooperating.  She knew Steve was right about all of this, but it only made her feel worse.  Because it was clear to her now that this could happen again.  And probably would.  “So you will never be able to keep your vow.  You really will leave me again.  If you felt you had to.”

Not for the first time in this long argument, Steve felt punched in the gut.  “You really feel like it’s leaving you?  Like I’d really be leaving you?”  Kayla nodded slightly and rubbed the tears from her eyes.  “Well, I don’t see it that way at all.  God, this … I don’t even know what to do with all of this.”

“This?”

“This anger.  I’m so mad at you, Kayla, I don’t know what to do with myself.”  The words I’m mad at you sounded as foreign for Kayla to hear as they were for Steve to say.  “I go with them so there’s no Plan B, so you and Stephanie will live, and I’m the bad guy?  ‘Cause I won’t let you die?  You call it leaving you, then decide to punish me by sleeping on the couch?  Yeah, I’m mad, Kayla!  I don’t remember being this mad at you, and it scares the shit out of me!”

“Oh, you’ve been this mad at me.  You’ve been even more mad at me.  When you found out about Stephanie from Jack, I think you were plenty mad.”

“Yeah, but that was different.  I knew how much I’d f*cked up.  Somewhere along the way I’m the one who made that bed.” 

“We both made that bed.”

“No, I made that bed the day I kept Marina from you.  I’m not sayin’ you were right, I’m just sayin’, it was different then, ‘cause yeah, I was mad at you, but even then I knew I’d led you there.  This is different.  I was savin’ your life.  I’m so mad, baby, I can’t see straight.”

“You couldn’t see straight when you found out about Shane, either.”  That silenced Steve. She was right, he was out of his mind that day.

“You tryin’ to find all the times I’ve been mad at you and rank them or something, Kayla, it’s not a goddammed contest!”  He hated how sheepish she looked and checked himself.  “I should have handled that better, and I don’t know how many times you want me to apologize for that.”

“You don’t, and that’s not what I meant!”

“Well, what did you mean?!”

“I don’t know!”  Now Kayla got up and did some pacing of her own.  “I’m upset.”

He was only six feet away as he leaned against the dresser, but she felt so far away from him.  “I always seem to be the one who’s f*cked up and beggin’ you to forgive me.  Now … I don’t know how to feel what I’m feelin’.  I know how to be the one who’s wrong.  But I don’t feel wrong here, Kayla. I just don’t.  I hear you, ok?  You want me to start trustin’ you with the danger and not just decide without you.  See, I’m listening.  But, Sweetness …”  Steve’s voice wavered, now.  “I’m not gonna be good at that.  I promised not to lie to you, so this is the truth, I am gonna suck at that.  But it’s never gonna be leaving you.  Leaving you is not loving you.  Leaving you is saying I’m done with you.  I’ll never stop loving you.  Don’t you know that?  Everything I do is ‘cause I can’t ever be done with you.  I’ll protect our family for as long as I’m breathin’.  I’ll go away and never come back if it’s the only way to protect you from dyin’.  He was going to kill you.  I know it sure as you’re standing there, baby.  I couldn’t let that happen.  And I feel like you’re bein’ real unfair.  I don’t get how you can’t see this one my way.  That’s why I’m so mad, baby.”  Kayla didn’t know what to say.  She saw him fight with the lump in his throat and knew just how vulnerable he was right now.  “I’m not trying to make decisions without you.  It’s just that we know you can get through it.  I can’t.  If you were the one who’d died in 1990, I can promise you, I would not have been able to go on.  And I won’t be able to go on now.  You’re stronger than I am.  Always have been.”

Kayla understood a lot better now, and it made her very sad. 

Steve had turned to the window and was looking out through a break in the drapes to look out over the night.  Kayla silently went to him and leaned her head between his shoulder blades.  Steve closed his eye and held her arms encircling his waist against him. 

“You’d go on,” she said.  “You’d live for our kids, like I did.  And you’d find happiness.  With or without the other me.”

The very sudden truth to that statement hit Steve like a live wire.  He’d just spent almost two weeks with the other Kayla.  Loving her.  Wanting her love back.  And he knew she was right.  He could find happiness with another version of her.   And now he was really scared.

Steve turned and pulled his wife into a desperate clutch.  “I want to make up now.  Please, Sweetness, I need us to make up.”  Steve’s pulse went from normal to crazy in seconds.  A tear escaed his eye, and suddenly his breaths were coming very fast.

“Steve …?”

“I mean it, baby, I need this to be done now!”  He held her so tight she could feel his heart pounding in his chest, and she realized at the same time as he did that this was another heightened reaction.  But his fear and vulnerability didn’t come from nowhere, and she hated hearing him this … scared.  She instinctively felt for the pulise in his wrist and sat them down on the bed.

“You have to try to calm down,” she said with a forced control.

“I know … ok,” he wiped the tear off on his shoulder and forced himself to breathe as his wife rubbed circles over his back. 

“I love you,” she soothed.  “We’re all made up, and I love you!” 

Before he knew it the whole thing was over as quickly as it had begun.  Steve took a deep breath and held his wife’s hand in his own.  He stared intently at her wedding ring as it reflected the soft light that bathed the room.  Then he met her eyes.  “You mean it?  It’s done?”

Kayla didn’t give him either answer he was expecting.  “You tell me,” she replied.

“I don’t wanna feel this way.  I need to feel you, Sweetness.  You’re so far away from me.”  Another tear fell down his cheek.  The sight of it made her tear up, the last of her anger draining away.  Kayla dropped her head onto Steve’s shoulder and cried.  They held each other tightly like this for a few moments as they continued to let this bad fight go.  Finally, Kayla lifted her head and took a shuddering breath.  As they sat facing each other on the bed, Steve held Kayla’s face in both of his hands and stroked his thumbs across her tear-streaked cheeks.  “Your eyes are so red, baby.  I hate seeing you cry.”  Then he kissed her lips tenderly.  “I need us to be ok now.”

Kayla licked her lips of her husband’s kiss and placed her palms over his hands still holding her face.  “I do, too.”

Steve slid his fingers down the sides of Kayla’s neck and rubbed her arms up and down.  “You are not an object,” he said meaningfully.  “You are my world.”

“You are my hero.  Thank you for taking care of us.”  Kayla crawled into her husband’s lap and straddled her legs around him.  Her warm kiss was like elixir. 

“I can’t let anything bad happen to you.  Not on purpose.  But I’ll try to make my jerk of a knee talk to yours before it flies off the handle.  Ok?”

Kayla nodded.  “Thank you,” she said breathily.  “I love you.”

“I love you more, Sweetness.”

“Oh, I doubt that.”

It was 11:30, and they each had a bowl of ice cream in front of them.  They were both tired, but they’d worked up an appetite, and it wasn’t every day they got to relive the passing of a millennium.  The TV was on to the live party in downtown Los Angeles, and Kayla asked her husband to tell her the rest of the story.  So, as they shoveled the ice cream into their mouths, Steve began talking.

“The minute I left I started lookin’ for how to get away.  I didn’t know about the ISA team down the street. I didn’t know how bad it was gonna get, either. I just thought they were gonna try to take me back.  I ddin’t know how hard my handler, the meter reader, and Pencil Dick were gonna make it.”

Kayla couln’t help but laugh.  It was so like him.  “Who was Pencil Dick?” she asked.

“The dude who wasn’t the meter reader.”  None of this was funny, but Kayla laughed again, because her husband had a way with words. 

“Tell me what happened next,” Kayla said.

“We ended up in the kitchen.  In the back, away from most of the workers.  They roughed me up real good, but I gave ‘em somethin’ to think about.  Stalled ‘em.  Until this poor cook comes over and tries to help me out.  And my handler just shut him down.  F*cked with his head so bad he was afraid to move.  And he did it in about 30 seconds.  I really saw, baby.  For the first time that I can remember, I saw what he was capable of.  So, when he asked for my name, I gave him Nick Stockton right off the bat.”  Kayla wanted to cry but refused. 

“I’m so sorry, Steve.”

“Well, I gave him shit first to stall for time, but then I just gave it to him over and over, but he wasn’t satisfied.  Tried beatin’ out of me what he wanted, used that Tarot shit on me, but nothin’ I said was what he wanted to hear.  I didn’t get it.  I’m still not sure I get it, it’s like just sayin’ the words wasn’t good enough, he wanted me to really believe I was Nick Stockton. 

A chill ran through Kayla.  “Like – like when you came back?”

Steve nodded.  “Yeah.  He couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t responding anymore.  Didn’t know I’d already been deprogrammed.  Then he sent his men out to kill you.”  Steve’s voice wavered.  “I didn’t know if it was you or Steph or both, but he ordered Plan B.  Said to do it.  Put his gun right to my damn head.  I wanted to die.”

“Steve …”  They sat on opposite ends of the couch like they’d first begun doing in 1979.  Kayla reached for his hand and squeezed it.  “How did your handler end up dead?”

“Chase showed up out of nowhere.  That freak doctor isn’t good when startled.  Give him time to expect anything, and he’s gonna plow right through it, but if you take him by surprise he’s worthless.  Chase took him down by the throat.  He still had the gun, but it wasn’t right up to my head anymore.  Even with his neck in Chase’s hands, I saw what he was gonna do.  He was gonna do the same thing to Chase as he did to that poor chef.  I saw him workin’ it even as he was doin’ it.  So, I got the gun.  I dunno how, but I got it, and I shot him point blank.  Blew the back of his head off.”  He got very silent after this but didn’t break the significant eye contact he was holding with his wife.

“Are you ok?”

“You mean mentally, don’t you?”

Kayla shrugged.  “It’s traumatic, what you’ve been through.”

“What I’ve done.  You mean what I’ve done.”

“No.  I mean what’s been done to you.  You did what you had to do because of other people.  But I know you. You’re a gentle man.  And I know that you feel something.”

“What I feel … I don’t feel sorry.  Hopkins, Dimera, Duke, and this white-haired freak.  Not one of them deserved to be on this earth.  Every one of ‘em tried to hurt or kill me, you, or both of us.  So, no.  I’m not sorry.”  Steve took his last bite of ice cream … and he felt no joy.  Kayla tried one more time.

“I didn’t ask if you were sorry.  I asked, Are you ok?”

Steve took their two bowls and set them on the coffee table.  He scooted right up to Kayla and held her hand to his heart.  “It doesn’t feel good.  I regret that they had to happen, but not that they did happen.  So, yeah, I’m ok.  As long as you’re by my side, tellin’ me you love me.”

“I do.”

“Even when we’re mad.”

Kayla nodded.  She couldn’t help being surprised at how insecure he was feeling right now.  “Even then.  No matter what.  And you know what I think?”  Steve shook his head.  “I think the reason we get so mad is because we love each other so much.”

The exhaustion hit them like a ton of bricks.  They crawled into bed, and Steve brought Kayla in close against him.  Even on the cusp of sleep, Steve felt euphoric when Kayla burrowed into him.  The fireworks went off at midnight, and Steve kissed the top of Kayla’s head. 

“Happy New Year, Sweetness.”

“Mmm … Happy New Year,” she cooed. 

They fell asleep in each other’s arms as the year 2001 gently washed over them for the second time in their tumultuous lives.

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Chapter 135 >