It was another bad landing for Steve. Rolf was ready to tear what was left of his hair out when he saw the numbers come in, because they were becoming harder and harder to definitively analyze, and he couldn’t say for sure if the brief stay in the previous jump was a final ripple of the one that began in 1987, or if it was an effect of whatever they’d just done in 1988. They were supposed to be making things better by following their timelines more closely, but it seemed to him that either they weren’t, or they weren’t doing enough, because these trajectories were not what he’d been hoping for. Steve didn’t care about numbers or trajectories, all he knew was that the room spun the moment he sucked in air, and the only thing he wanted to do was vomit. Once again, however, something cold met his face, and that helped tamp it down.
“Hey, what the hell’s the matter with you?!” The voice was inches away but sounded strangely muted over some kind of white noise. “Don’t you even think about passing out in my cooler!” Steve took a deep breath of cold air and staggered into a more upright position. Was he in the Fish Market cooler? That wasn’t Shawn, so he doubted it. “Hello? Anyone home?” The male voice was clearly annoyed.
“Yeah,” Steve managed.
“You drunk?”
Steve opened his eye as the effect drained away and saw that the voice belonged to an older man in a white apron facing him across several gallons of milk. It seemed Steve was in the middle of a grocery store and used the dairy cooler to prop him up while he got his bearings. The man, whom Steve figured was probably his own real age, was in the back loading new dairy products onto the shelves. “Not feelin’ too drunk, no.” he answered.
“Then why were you singing to the milk?”
“I’m fun like that,” Steve deadpanned.
“Mm-hmm,” he glared.
Steve stood up straight. As usual, when the jump effect passed, he was right as rain. “What day is it?”
“You sure you haven’t had too much egg nog? Check your patch.” Steve reached up to adjust it and met something weird attached to it. What the hell? He pulled off the plastic holly decoration and looked at it before glancing into what appeared to be his cart. A ham, pumpkin pie, and a smattering of produce. When the man cleared his throat Steve looked back up. “You done?” he asked.
“So, it’s Christmas?” Steve asked.
“It ain’t Halloween, One Eye. Now if you’re done, my store don’t need the extra air conditioning!” Finally it occurred to Steve that they were talking through the cooler with the door open, fog forming on the inside of it.
“Wait, Day or Eve?” The man rolled his eyes and blocked their eyeshot with a carton of egg nog he was restocking at eye-level, and that was it for that.
“Yeah, well bah humbug to you, too.” Steve sniped. He stepped back and let the cooler door close.
Judging from the shoulder pad content of the atmosphere, he knew this had to be before he died. His hair and his face told the rest of the story, which all added up to the sum of 1989, which was the only Christmas it could be in this scarless face. With that in mind, thanks to Kayla’s tenacity with the jump project, he knew where she was without having to think too hard.
Steve exhaled heavily and rubbed at the back of his neck. This was a very complicated time that required a lot of attention to detail, and the very last thing he was prepared to do right now was deal with detail. He had Kayla holed up in the lighthouse to protect her from Victor Kiriakis. She’d been pissed her entire stay, but time proved him right when the mobster grabbed her. She jumped first, so she wouldn’t be fighting him now. Right? Unless … she was afraid to make any changes to the timeline and … how long was she there without him playing along?
“Wait, wait, wait, don’t get ahead of yourself, dude, just think this through.” An old lady who’d been patiently waiting for Steve to clear out of the cooler gave him a very wary look as he talked to himself some more and finally decided to go ahead and check out, because there wasn’t really a reason not to. He was actually in a very precarious position, because he knew Victor had eyes on him, Kayla did a bad job at disguising herself as Santa Claus, and one of those two things was going to get her grabbed. Steve cursed to himself. He could not deal with any running right now. He couldn’t deal with any rescuing or any of Isabella hiding in his attic or any of Jack begging for forgiveness by proxy of helping him. The emotional drain – as fierce as his need not to be separated from Kayla right now – followed him from that bed in the loft with John pounding on the door to this moment at the cash register like one minute to the next. “I need you,” Steve whispered to himself. Then he smiled. “And you’ve got our baby inside you.” So, he was not about to let any of that happen this time around. The fact that it meant a change to the timeline was not something he wanted to think about right now, so he didn’t and, instead, exited the store with his groceries and made his way as quickly as he could to the lighthouse, looking over his shoulder constantly the whole way there.
It was cold in the small, unheated living quarters. The baby bump with Stephanie nestled inside seemed to hog all of her body heat, leaving Kayla to shiver despite the thick, black robe pulled tightly around herself. It was a bittersweet kind of feeling as she rubbed her belly. She wasn’t quite this far along yet when the jump took them from their renewed life in the timeline that felt like home. A pining she knew would be with her for the rest of her life throbbed sadly. She let it for a few moments, then forced herself to move on so she could assess.
Kayla remembered this part of their lives very well. They’d gone over it a lot during the jump project, this whole time surrounding Marina’s return to Steve’s life and everything that resulted from it. Steve didn’t like thinking about it, but Kayla knew that if they were going to be able to find each other, they had to pay close attention to all the details, and this brief stay in the lighthouse was a very important detail – one that would keep her out of Victor’s Miami compound or put her on the fast track into it, depending on how good their memories were and, therefore, the actions they took.
Victor Kiriakis hadn’t been a threat to the Bradys in a very long time, but right now the mob boss was quite dangerous. Since his men were going to kidnap her and take her to Miami sometime after Christmas, she assumed this was the week before and that Steve was out there somewhere, busily telling anyone who would listen that she was already taken. Kayla rolled her eyes, but also chuckled. “Pre-emptively fake kidnapping me was not your Papa’s best idea,” Kayla mumbled. “Then again, I’m pretty sure I’m the reason it didn’t work.” Kayla eyed the steamer trunk in the corner. “No Santa for us this year, Baby Girl,” she sighed, resting her hand on her belly.
There was no question in her mind that she was going to stay put this time, but Kayla got up anyway and had a look in the trunk. The Santa suit was buried within, rather than near the top, so she was sure, now, that her ill-thought-out trip to the docks had not happened yet. Since she was locked in, and all she could do was wait for Steve to come back, she checked out the rest of the trunk. It turned out to be quite the treasure trove. If only she’d known last time how much was here to while the time away she would have been a lot less bored. In addition to the endless solitaire games she’d played, she’d, apparently, missed out on Scrabble, Monopoly, and Boggle. She also spotted a small stack of books beside the bed that Steve had left for her. Only one didn’t remind her of loss, so she left behind A Prayer for Owen Meany and The Joy Luck Club and went for the only other one there, Like Water for Chocolate, which she never did get to read.
Kayla plopped into the chair, book in one hand, chin in the other. But she was antsy. She wanted to go out into the night and look for Steve, not sit here and read. It seemed absurd after everything that had just happened in the last week or two weeks or whatever it was (because it was beginning to get really difficult tracking how much real time had gone by over the multiple jumps in quick succession) that she’d sit here and read a nice book. But what else could she do? For one thing, she knew that this time, despite the fact that she jumped first, it was best for Steve to find her; and for another, she was locked in, anyway. She assumed one version of him or the other would be making an appearance soon, so she made herself sit there and read what had become by 2009 a classic novel and beloved foreign film (which she’d also not had the chance to see).
It took Steve twice as long to get to the lighthouse than it should have, because he took one wrong turn after another to ensure he wasn’t followed. He didn’t dare visit the house for any reason, he knew he’d be spotted. Fatigue permeated him, but the adrenaline kept him very alert and very much on his circuituous course. Only when he felt sure he’d thrown any tail he might have had did he finally head for the lighthouse
Just into the third chapter, a gust of wind blew the window open sweeping a new chill upon Kayla. She looked for a sign of her husband between here and the pier not very far off as she closed the window back up, but there was none. His absence made her feel very hollow. So much had been said, and she finally felt like they were going to be ok. They weren’t entirely “fixed,” she knew that, but after Steve had finally let go she felt hope again. To be apart at this moment, after having just found their breakthrough, was rough on her.
The little ball of fur rubbing up against her leg and mewing sweetly helped immensely. Kayla lifted the kitten to look her right in the eye, then smiled a little sadly. “We’re going to have to find you a new name,” she said as she scratched behind her neck. Emily was a name that belonged to her daughter, now, and 14 years of seniority or not, she wouldn’t be calling the cat by it; it seemed wrong, and she knew it would make her sad. But Kayla’s heart was beating happily at seeing her cat again, and it didn’t even really feel like that long ago when they’d put her down in 2003.
It’s amazing what nuzzling a warm, purring creature will do for one’s disposition. Kayla smiled and made happy nonsense talk with her kitty cat. “I haven’t seen you in so long,” she purred right along with the white, long-haired poof. “Such a sweet kitty … What should we call her instead, Stephanie?” Kayla asked while the kitten purred at Kayla’s knowing strokes. Stephanie didn’t give her mother much of a clue for an alternate name, so she decided to just call the little thing Kitty until something better came along.
Kayla tried not to be antsy but she’d had enough of the book, and there wasn’t a whole lot she really wanted to do right now, plus the space was chilly. She moved about the room, straightened up what little there was, checked out what they’d have to work with by way of food – which was actually pretty stocked – and put on a pot of water to boil for some tea while she shivered. She was on her third cup during as many losing solitaire games when the rowboat came into view from the spot at the window she kept going back to every five minutes. When she saw Steve’s blonde head illuminated by the intermittent spotlight her tummy fluttered. The second he docked Kayla opened the window and yelled.
“Do you remember Stockholm?!” Her anxious tone struck him.
“How long have you been waiting for me to play 20 Questions?” he yelled back as he got out and secured the boat to the cleat on the tiny pier’s pylon.
Kayla closed her eyes and exhaled. She was so relieved. “Not as long as it felt. Please get in here.” Steve tried and failed to get in the locked door and asked her to open up. “I can’t, you have the key.” He could hear the agitation in her voice, which did nothing for his own disposition. He was already frustrated with having to drag himself across the river, this delay just added to it, and Kayla’s clear impatience turned the knife. Finally he found the key in a pocket and got himself and his single bag of groceries inside before shutting the door against the blowing snow. Kayla wasted no time before walking right into his arms and laying her head on his leather-clad chest.
“You sure don’t waste any time, do ya, Sweetness?”
“Nope, guess not,” she replied with a sigh. After holding each other for a few more moments, Steve kissed her head then pulled back to look at her.
“Hi, Honey, I’m home,” he jibed, though there wasn’t any real humor in it. Kayla gave a knowing chuckle, but he noticed it was as humorless as his was. “You know when we are, right?”
Kayla nodded. “Christmas. Hiding from Victor.” Steve angled his head down to Kayla’s midsection. “Pregnant,” she whispered. His smile was slight, but it was genuine as he rubbed his hand over his child. When he asked how she was feeling she shrugged. “Little queasy before. Fine right now. Big.” This time it was a longing tone she had as she referenced her size, not a disparaging one.
“You know I like it … when you’re big with my babies.”
Kayla nodded. “Yep.”
“Little Sweetness.” Steve let out a sigh then moved his attention from his daughter to his wife. He held her face in one strong hand and moved it about slightly, then inspected her neck, too, before stroking her cheek. “No more bruises.” Of course, there wouldn’t be, but from their perspective it felt like just an hour ago.
Kayla laid a tender look upon him and shook her head. “All better.” Somehow he doubted that. “Are you hungry?”
Steve exhaled. “This body probably is, I was buyin’ food when I jumped in here. Christmas dinner, I think,” he said, motioning to the grocery bag, “but all I really feel is the same I did before we jumped.”
“Wiped out?”
“Yeah.”
“Me, too.” Steve pulled himself away to put away the food, then took off his leather jacket and threw it across the small table. It was the same black jacket he’d worn for two seasons the last time they’d had a home, so it was familiar and bittersweet to Kayla’s touch. He felt a burst of the same pleasure when he watched her smell it as when she’d burrow into him. He was watching her when she glanced up. “It smells like you. Like home.” Then she hugged it to herself as the homesickness for Emily, her house, and her life in 1989 hit her. “I want to go home,” she whispered.
“You are home.”
Kayla’s lips parted with the truth of the words she’d spoken to him not so long ago during one of the worst fights of their lives. Then she nodded with the conviction that surged through her.
“I gotta sleep, baby. I really do.” There was apology in his voice. He knew she wanted to talk, but he didn’t have the energy. Every lick of it he’d had was spent getting to her, and now that he had, his emotional fortitude was gone. “I know you wanna talk, and I’m not avoiding you. I promise you I’m not.”
“Shh,” she said as she placed a finger to his lips. “You don’t have to explain.”
“I’m here for you.” He had to make sure she heard him. That she believed him. That he believed himself. Kayla didn’t need the convincing, but she was glad he was saying it all, anyway. “I dunno where we’re gonna wake up, but wherever it is, we’ll keep talkin’. It’s just right now … I’m still feelin’ … “ Steve trailed off, but Kayla was patient and let him finish his thought. “I dunno what I’m feelin’.”
Kayla really didn’t, either.
“Ya know what, this is where we ended up after we got you out of Stefano’s compound. It’s like the timeline or slipstream or whatever it is is giving us time to decompress Like it knows we need to heal.”
He didn’t take that statement literally, but he was struck with the coincidence, and it reminded him of the mental note he’d made about how coincidental the last set of jumps were, too. But right now, that bed was all he saw. “So last time we were here it was, what, ’86? Same bed?”
“Yes, I think so. Different cat, though.” Steve had to think a second and separate his Clyde from his … Kayla saw it when he connected with the thought she’d already had. “I know,” she said as she started ducking under furniture looking for her. “We have to rename her.” Steve didn’t say anything, so Kayla went on as she looked around, though she was tiring just as quickly as he was. “I’m just calling her Kitty right now. It’s not like she knows that she’s getting renamed, she’s just a kitten here.” Steve felt guiltily relieved about this.
“How long did you have her, again?”
“Fourteen years. She was a really good girl.” Kayla knew the puffball was there, but they didn’t last long in the looking before they gave up and finally agreed to do what their consciounesses insisted they do and rest their terribly overdriven minds.
Steve saw the nervous look on her face as they eyed each other from each side of the bed. He didn’t like it at all. “You’ve got something on your mind, baby.” Kayla gave a slow shrug.
“No, I’m just tired is all.”
“Kayla.”
“What?”
“Out with it.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Already we’re doin’ this?” His patience was thin. “Just say it!”
“It’s been a long time since we slept in the same bed,” she blurted. Steve turned a big eye on her but she wasn’t looking at him. He flared hot, because she’s the one who insisted that they live apart, and now it was like she was blaming him. But then he saw her face, and there was no blame being assigned. If anything, she was vulnerable.
Steve went to her and tipped her chin to look at him. “Don’t you think it’s time we did?”
Kayla felt warmth as he caressed her face. “We didn’t sleep tog—”
“I don’t care. I thought we already decided in Chicago that we don’t care and that we have to be the real us and not the us we jump into.” When she didn’t answer right away and got sheepish, Steve’s anxiety started spiking. “Sweetness, are you nervous?”
“No,” she shook her head. “I … I don’t feel … like I’ll ever want sex again.”
Sex was the last thing on Steve’s mind, and he was confused. Something wasn’t connecting for him, and he was afraid to say the wrong thingl So, he kept quiet, but the look on his face spoke for him.
“Ray didn’t rape me. I wasn’t there when Jack did. But somehow I’m feeling like it’s all very close.”
Oh. He got it now. “Sweetness.” Steve held her to him in a tender embrace and kissed the side of her head. “Baby, I wasn’t askin’ for it.”
“I know you weren’t.” That fact bothered her, too, but she pushed it down, and Steve didn’t notice her tone.
“Baby, listen, it is very close, you were just there a few hours ago. Just ‘cause we jumped doesn’t mean it’s gone.”
Kayla sat down on the edge of the bed, and Steve sat beside her. “But it’s a little different this time than last time. It’s more like …,” Kayla held Steve’s hand in her two and played with it. He’d noticed her do that a lot more lately, and he liked it. “… I could make love right now and be fine, I’m not afraid or feeling shy. It’s that I don’t want it.
“Sweetness. After what they did to you …”
“The thing is … it’s not just because of them. I’m also feeling … depressed.”
Steve nodded solemnly. “Me, too.”
This honesty made her feel very close to her husband, but it also made what she was trying to push down into oblivion rise up. Refusing to face it Kayla kissed Steve’s cheek, then made one more effort to find the cat and feed her something before getting ready for bed.
Kayla had clothes there, but Steve didn’t, so he stripped down to his underwear, and Kayla put on the pajamas that were there for her. Steve grinned when he saw the grimace on her face, because it all came roaring back to him how much she hated these footed jammies. But he knew how cold she was, so they won out over her distaste. When they got in bed, Steve could feel that something still wasn’t right with Kayla. He pulled her into the crook of his lap, using his body heat to warm them both and hoped he was imagining it, because he was so tired he couldn’t see straight. But the knowledge that his wife was still sitting on something prevented that sleep from coming.
“Kayla?”
She turned her head slightly toward him. “Yeah?”
“Tell me.” He actually felt her heart speed up. What was going on? She swallowed, nervously but said nothing. “I just showed you how broken my heart is, Sweetness, and I didn’t end up in a rubber room. You have to tell me what’s going on inside you, baby. Please.”
Kayla took a deep breath. “I’m afraid,” she whispered. It was a start.
“What are you afraid of?”
She turned over onto her side to face her husband. “That we’re never going to make love again.” Her voice was so soft, and her real fear about this so powerful.
“Oh, baby. Baby. Why would you think that?”
“Because we’re both so … sad. I’m afraid that we’re going to stay depressed. And never feel that kind of passion that I always feel when I’m with you. I haven’t felt it in so long. In Chicago, before you got there, I wanted you all the time. But it was because … I needed you to love me.” Guilt spread through him for not being the anchor she needed after they lost Emily. “The thought of feeling that kind of pleasure when we’ve lost so much … we’re so depressed that we have no sex drive. And …”
“And what?”
“I-i-i-it’s like right after we found out I was pregnant with Em. You were afraid to touch me.” Steve knew where this was going now. “You weren’t asking for it, then, and you’re … not asking for it tonight. I don’t want it right now, either, but I want you to want it. What if you never want it again?”
“Oh, Sweetness, I will. And so will you. And I’m not afraid to touch you.”
“Be honest with yourself, please.”
Steve finally broke his eye contact, but then he looked at her again before his next admission. “Ok. I am a little afraid to touch you.” Tears brimmed Kayla’s eyes. “I can’t go through losing any more kids, Sweetness. But I can’t go through not bein’ with you, either.” He reached for her chin and kissed her lightly on the lips. Kayla felt his warmth like the very beacon they were seeking refuge within. “I can’t go through never feelin’ your arms around me like that again.” Now he kissed her more deeply. It had been a while since this kind of kiss had happened between them. Their tongues met not in lust but in connection, and they both found such love that connection provided. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. I’ll always want you.”
“I love you, too.”
They kissed that way for a while. It didn’t have the passion Kayla wanted them to have, but it did have all the passion they had in their commitment to one another. When Kayla turned back to their original position they both literally felt sleep creep over the rise for them.
“Do you think we’re safe from Victor?” Kayla asked just before she nodded off.
“You didn’t already go off as Santa, did you?” She almost didn’t understand him he was so groggy.
“So, it’s my fault Victor got me, then?” she huffed.
Steve was too tired to come up with a lie. “Yeah, probably,” he sighed sleepily.
“I don’t think so, no,” she answered his original question a bit coldly, the fact that she agreed, notwithstanding, “the thing is still in the steamer trunk.”
“Then I think we’re ok.” Kayla didn’t hang on to the indignation and, instead, snuggled farther into him where she was finally warm for the first time since jumping here. “‘Sides, not leavin’ again, so won’t be a chance to take you.” They fell into silence, but then Kayla spoke up one more time.
“Steve?”
“Mmm?” he grunted.
“Merry Christmas.”
Steve opened his eye and reached over to caress the hair away from her face so that he could kiss her temple.
“Merry Christmas, Sweetness. I love you.”
“I love you, too.
“I love you, too, Little Sweetness.”
Kayla smiled. “And your Little Sweetness loves her papa.”
When they woke up Christmas morning they should have been famished, but neither of them had much of an appetite. They laid awake for quite a while, each of them lost in their own stream-of-consciousness as the waves hit the brick of the small lighthouse. But Steve promised they’d talk after they got some sleep, and he was true to his word.
“I keep waiting for her to call for us.” Kayla turned her head on the pillow to look at her husband, the sound of his voice quietly piercing the silence. Steve didn’t look back at her as he verbalized this pain that was continuing it’s slow leak from within him. “Waking up to the quiet like this since we left … ‘Cause I used to wake up all confused, ya know? If the monitor was off, I’d get real panicky, but then she’d start babbling and I’d realize it was ok.” Steve reached for Kayla’s hand at the same time that she reached for his, their fingers lacing together tightly. “But since we jumped – it’s not ok, now. I get panicky and stay that way. ‘Cause it never gets ok.”
Kayla stroked Steve’s hand absently with her thumb, then whispered, “She was cutting teeth. We were out of Tylenol for her, I was going to run out and get some.” Steve swallowed hard. “I keep making these little mental notes to do little things like that. Then I remember and want to just …”
“Die.”
The word hung there in the air between them, and Kayla let a tear escape from the corner of her eye.
“I wanted to die, Sweetness. When we were in that storm drain in Stockholm right after, I didn’t want to live.” It was the first time Steve had said it out loud. Doing so made him feel something he couldn’t identify. Normally, Kayla would balk, but this time she understood all too well. “That’s why it was like I wasn’t really there. ‘Cause I didn’t want to be.”
Kayla stared at the ceiling as another tear followed the track the previous one laid. She knew how much pain her husband was in, but hearing him say it out loud was devastating. The only way she knew to help him was to help herself.
“When I jumped into the storm drain … I didn’t know what to do,” she said over the lump in her throat. “I wanted to run somewhere, to you, from you, I was lost. I didn’t want to be there or anywhere. I wanted to jump into nothing and not feel. But you weren’t you yet, and the water was coming in. I was screaming, and you thought it was because I was afraid we were going to die. You didn’t understand. You were trying to tell me it would be ok, but I was having a completely different meltdown.” Steve finally found the courage to look his wife in the eye during this conversation and leaned up on his elbow. Kayla did the same, and blinked another tear over her lashes when Steve reached out to caress her face. “Do you still want to die?”
Steve took a moment to really think about this. A day ago the answer would have been clearer to him, but things had changed since yesterday’s emotional break. “No,” he shook his head. “It’s better. You made me better. But it feels real bad, baby. In here,” he thumped his chest. “Leavin’ her, knowin’ we can’t see her again like we can see Joe and Stephanie, it feels so empty.” Kayla took Steve’s hand and placed it on her belly.
“Does this help?” she asked.
Steve smiled. “Yeah,” he said as he rubbed his hand over her, absorbing the warmth his daughter radiated like she knew he needed it, “that helps.” Kayla watched the effect connecting with his daughter was having on him and felt warmth, herself. “What about you?” he asked looking up. “Do you still feel lost?”
Kayla ran a hand through her hair. “Not lost. I feel … like the color has drained out of the world. Like all the joy is gone.” Then shse used the same word as last night. “Depressed.” Steve broke his connection to Kayla’s belly and took her hand instead, bringing it to his lips while she continued. “Jumping away from you and Emily – leaving you two behind – was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me in my whole life. I jumped first … it felt like abandoning you both.” Kayla sat up in the bed and turned to face her husband. “I was so scared for her, what was going to happen to her. And I was jealous, too.”
Now Steve sat up. “Jealous of what?” he asked, puzzled.
She looked down into her lap. “Mine wasn’t the last touch she’d have. The last one to say goodbye.” Kayla’s voice broke with grief and a little bit of shame in this admission. “It was you.” Steve didn’t know what to say. It was so incredibly not like her. “I’ve felt so guilty for feeling that way.”
The wrought-iron headboard wasn’t stable enough to lean against, so Steve adjusted to face her on the bed. “You’re wrong about her last touch. That was you. She was lying against you … holdin’ on real tight.” Steve’s voice was breathy, despite his attempt to be stoic. Kayla reached for him in the hope that he’d let himself have the emotions trying to break free. “The last thing I heard her say was –” he swallowed, “—my name. Dah-dee – while she was snuggled up next to her mama.” They both broke down with this and cried in each other’s arms. It wouldn’t be the last time.
“I’m glad it was you,” Kayla sniffled. “That her last moments were with you. I mean that.”
“Sweetness … I don’t want you to be jealous.”
Kayla shook her head. “I’m not, I don’t feel that way anymore. You were there every day—”
“So were you!”
“Shh.” Kayla put her fingers to his lips. “I know I was. But you were the parent at home. Thank God, Steve. Thank God! The best decision we made was making you Mr. Mom! You are the best father of anyone I know. She was luckier to have you for 16 months than most people are for a lifetime.
“I was the lucky one.” He wiped his eye on his shoulder.
“We all were. She was a gift, Steve. A beautiful gift that I am going to hurt for with a hole in my heart that will never ever be filled. But I’m not sorry we had that beautiful baby in our lives. We were there when she came into this world, and she was there when we left it. I’ll never be sorry.” Steve kissed Kayla’s forehead and lingered his lips there a long time before wiping her tears away with his thumbs. Kayla smiled sadly, then made the sign for courage, pulling her fists in toward herself. Steve nodded and did the same. It was a significant amount of release and catharsis.
Eventually they couldn’t ignore the hunger that had finally started to take a front seat. Kayla wasn’t feeling very queasy at the moment, and both of them ate a good portion of the small dinner they worked together to prepare for themselves. It did them both a lot of good to work closely in the small area. Once they had sat down to eat, the despondence they woke up with turned to memories that they couldn’t help but find happiness in. After all it was Christmas Day, and memories of their last two Christmases warmed them. Anything that made them smile was a good thing, and they laugued a lot more than they cried most of this very cold and very snowy Christmas Day. Kayla was doing the dishes when Stephanie really started letting her mother have it in there with a few swift kicks to her bladder.
“Mmmf. That’ll do it for me,” Kayla said as she turned off the water and went for the small bathroom. Steve didn’t ask what that was all about, he’d been through this so many times, and very recently, too.
“She already tryin’ to get her foot on the gas pedal?” Steve yelled through the cracked door.
“You could say that,” she replied.
Steve chuckled and finished up the last couple dishes that Kayla had to leave. “Yeah, some things never change.”
“I feel like I’ve been pregnant more than I haven’t,” she said with annoyance, because she really wasn’t comfortable, but then she softened when she thought of Stephanie’s nature and chuckled. “She’s always been like this.”
“Yeah, and in every timeline, too,” Steve said thoughtfully. Kayla came out and sat at the kitchen table. “Really it’s almost like we never left,” he continued quietly. “It’s still 1989, you’re still pregnant, it’s just a few months later.”
Kayla noticed the fact that Steve was referencing their recent past more easily, but his words made her think. She didn’t reply to him and, instead, stared off in thought. He was right, it was the exact same year, close to the right date, and she still had a baby on the way. She sat down at the table and thought hard. Steve noticed.
“If I could go back and get you your binder I would.”
Kayla looked up. “What?”
“Your binder. You are just itchin’ to write it down, baby.” Kayla cocked her head quizzically. “You think I don’t know you? I know you. I know that face. You’re thinkin’ about the jumps. No jump project here, Sweetness, so just say it.”
Kayla tapped her finger against the table restlessly, then leaned forward with the surge of energy this new line of thought was giving her. “Don’t you think it’s weird?”
“No, time travel is real normal.”
“Those last jumps,” she ignored his quip. “Why there? It seemed almost like …” Suddenly the epiphany that had been on the tip of her tongue broke through. “an arc … like it was an arc!”
“As in Noah or Raiders?”
Kayla clicked her tongue. “Neither, as in a curved line. Steve, it’s not the first time, it’s at least the second. I dunno, maybe there are others!” She got up and paced the tiny room and started talking very fast, her hands punctuating for effect. “I was … I mean … Ok, so Ray tried to rape me.” Steve got a very dark look on his face. “You stopped it, then when you jumped into yourself, we talked about how I fought him this time and it was different, and you said you’d never let Jack rape me again.” Steve gritted his teeth so he could stay quiet. “Then the very next place I jumped was my rape?” She paused to let that sink in. “Really?”
Now Steve understood what she was saying, because he’d thought of this very concept, himself. He nodded his head. “I thought the same thing.”
“You thought of an arc?”
“I wouldn’t say it like that, but I noticed. I couldn’t see straight at the time, but it did hit me that it was a hell of a coincidence.” Kayla sat back down and played her fingers at her lips. “You really do want that binder, don’t ya?”
“Yeah, I do,” she relented. It gave her real purpose when she was able to focus her thoughts on those pages now destined for positively no one. “If we didn’t know any better I’d think Rolf is choosing these destinations on purpose.”
“Maybe he is.”
Kayla shook her head. “No, he said they’re all random. He knows where we are once we get there, but he doesn’t know where the slipstream is taking us.”
“That’s what he says.”
“Why would he lie?”
“Are you serious?! Why would he tell the truth, baby?!”
“Because he entered the slipstream three times to try to help us get back on track. Why would he do that if he was able to control the jumps in the first place?” Steve scoffed and swallowed a gulp of his coffee. “He came to our actual door, before that he called us, and before that he was the mole that enabled us to free you. That’s not playing games.”
“More like palying God,” he sneered.
That’s when Kayla felt her heart skip a beat with more realizations. “Do you remember back at the loft? I was downstairs crying in the middle of the night? I told you … I was—”
“You were feeling guilty about Shane.” She nodded. “We’re done with that, Kayla,” he said gently.
“No, I know. But I really think that was another arc.” Steve thought about it, processing her argument as she made it. “We were both upset, then the next jump was to Italy. That night was about my relationship, this one was about yours with Marina. Then right after that it’s the jump with Shane on the pier. It’s like we were only there just long enough for you to find out and react. Badly.”
“What’s your point?”
“And then we’re stuck under the building for hours with nothing to do but talk about it.”
Steve tried to see the line, but he really didn’t. “I don’t get how that’s an arc. ‘Cause one jump was about Marina and the other was about Shane?”
Kayla shrugged. “Well, it’s more than that. We weren’t able to talk about anything right after …” She was avoiding discussion of him killing his father, though Steve understood. “But then in the lab, we had nowhere to go. We were each other’s captive audience, and we had to listen to each other. It’s like the timeline knew what we needed and put us there.”
That was a big statement, and Steve couldn’t help balking at it. “Sweetness? I love you. But that is mumbo jumbo.”
“Why?”
“What, the slipstream has intent now? It has feelings and wants us to make nice with each other?”
“Come on, how is that any more mumbo jumbo than travelling through time to begin with?!”
She had him there. “Yeahp, ok. Seriously, though, like the thing thinks?”
“Like the thing adjusts. Think about it, here I am pouring my heart out about what it was like for you to be dead – to have lost you, and where’s the next place we jump? The day we thought you died. You saw me on the roof, and you saw what I went through, what I’d just told you I’d gone through. And where do you think we jump to next?” He knew; he’d committed it to memory as much as she had, it was his imprisonment. “So, the thing turns right around and gives me the same glimpse.” The image of Steve so broken behind those bars was enough to make her eyes sting, but she held it back. “You’d been through a week of hell after having been through all that emotional hell before it. We both had. And just when we can’t take any more, we land in the perfect … utopia … 1979. We needed to heal, it was so awful. If we hadn’t gone somewhere safe I don’t know if I could have taken it.” From the look on her husband’s face she didn’t think he could have taken it, either. Steve scratched at a beard that wasn’t there. He’d had it so long that it had become quite a difficult habit to break. “I’m telling you, it’s real! Maybe they’re not arcs, maybe they’re more like collections, but they’re something! I know it!”
“Ok, baby, just calm down, now, I’m worried the pressure inside of you is gonna push our daughter out before she’s ready.” Kayla glared at him. “Would you just relax? I think you’re on to somethin’, I do, but you gotta calm down.”
Kayla took a deep breath and let Steve take her hands across the table “Ok, I’m calm,” she said very, very calmly.
Steve eyed her and chuckled. “Listen, I do think you’re right about these arcs of yours. But I don’t get why we’re here, then.”
Kayla shrugged. “To heal? Like we did last time?”
“So you’re sayin’ every time we get a rough arc the slipstream is sendin’ us here to the lighthouse? Like some weigh station before Utopia?”
“Actually … no, that might really be a coincidence, because the last time it didn’t send us here, it took us to Blondie’s, then we came here on our own. This is the first time we’ve jumped to the light house.”
“But it’s not the first time you’ve been pregnant. Is that part of an arc, too?”
Kayla’s mind was racing. She went to the window to look for any hint of Victor’s goon who took her last time; there was none. “I have no idea,” she admitted. “I think that might be random in this arc. If the jumps are related, then I’m not sure how Stephanie fits in.” She kept looking outside, scanning for signs of Kiriakis life as she thought it through. Steve came up behind her and wrapped her up in his arms, which made her feel very safe. “No, I don’t think so. Seems to be more about Ray and Jack.”
Steve turned Kayla around and kissed her gently.
“Chicago about did me in, Sweetness. When you told me what that sick bastard did to you. I wish that whole part of my life had never happened.”
“I’m so sorry. I just … had to find you. I couldn’t live that lie I was going to be stuck living. I thought it was what was best. The other you took good care of me.”
“This me didn’t,” he said softly. “God, Kayla. When I slammed into you and heard you scream, and I saw those tears well up … I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“I felt like I was hurtin’ you so bad. And I’m the one who’s sorry, ‘cause I drove you there, and now I was the one hurtin’ you like he—”
“Don’t say it! Don’t ever say it! You were gentle and loving, and what happened nothing like that, nothing! I was there, too, and I saw what it did to you. How could I not know my own body?!”
“Because we’re in so many of them we can’t remember one from the next, that’s how!”
“Yeah,” she scoffed. “You’re right. But Steve, don’t you blame yourself. You knew something was wrong before I did, I could see it on your face, and you were wonderful. You took care of me. Both of you did. You always take care of me. And look, all better.”
Steve ran his fingertips over her cheek and her neck like he’d done last night. “Just like these are all better?” he asked. Kayla nodded. “But … we’re not all better yet, are we? In here, I mean.” He palmed his chest where Kayla knew his heart was as broken as hers still was and would be for some time. “I want us to be all better, too.”
Kayla took Steve’s hand and clutched it to her chest. “We’re not all better yet,” Kayla said softly while the wind howled. “But we’re going to be.”
Steve felt the amplification effect sear the back of his eye with raw emotion that seemed to come out of nowhere. “How do you know?” his voice broke.
“Because I believe in us,” she said without an instant’s hesitation. “And I believe in you.” Steve’s eye was always like a window, and right now it showed how fragile he was in this moment. “I do, I believe in you. I always have.”
Steve dropped his head and adjusted his patch. She believed in him. He knew that she did, but when she all out said these things out loud it still overwhelmed him. He’d never be able to leave her, but after how he’d let her carry all that emotional weight for the last several jumps he didn’t know why she did. And why she stayed.
Kayla saw the emotional shadow pass over his face. “What is it?”
Steve wanted to just let this insecurity pass, but he’d held so much back for so long that he knew she’d think he was still shutting her out. After everything they’d already said, he couldn’t do that to them. “I don’t want you to be mad.”
“I won’t get mad.”
“Yeah, you will.”
She led him to the bed and sat them down. “Try me.”
“I haven’t done right by you … in a real long time, Sweetness.” Kayla narrowed her eyes but said nothing. “Maybe ever.” He was right. She didn’t like it. “Told you.”
“Steve, things have been bad ever since – we lost Emily. But maybe ever? You’ve done plenty of right by me.”
“You know why I tried pushing you away so many times? Because I loved you. Because I wanted you. I never wanted anything to happen to you, and I just knew that if you hooked up with me that things were gonna happen to you.”
“Beautiful things.”
“Terrible things. But I couldn’t stay away from you and finally let myself have you all those years ago, even though I knew it was only gonna bring you—”
“Happiness, goddammit!”
“—Grief.” Kayla scoffed. “Did you wanna hear this or not?” She nodded and looked rebuked enough for him to go on. “Grief, Kayla. And you haven’t seen a day of peace since. I knew my past might hurt you. I knew my own stupid ideas might hurt you. But, baby … I never thought that my own weakness would be something that could hurt you.”
“Your weakness? You’re the strongest man I know.”
Steve pursed his lips and slowly shook his head. “You believed in me, but I was hurting so bad that I let you down.” That’s when Kayla remembered something he’d said last night.”
“Steve, is that what you meant last night about a rubber room?”
Steve took a deep breath. This was hard. “I’ve been afraid to let it out for so long. I was afraid I’d lose my mind. I felt myself losing my mind, Sweetness. I was afraid if I gave up the control and let the pain touch me I’d never come back from it. I couldn’t get close to you, ‘cause I wanted to so bad. But every time I did I could feel the madness trying to steal me away. Lock me up.”
Kayla dropped her face into her hands. “Oh, baby.”
“I tried to tell you at my apartment. That night we fought so bad?” He tucked a hair behind her ear and rubbed the soft strands between his fingers.
“I remember,” she squeaked.
“I wanted to tell you that you that if you stayed I’d break down. But if I told you I knew you’d beg me to let go like you did the other day. And then I would. Like I did. Then I wouldn’t be able to live apart from you. I wouldn’t be able to let you go. Like I can’t now. And the slipstream would get worse. Now it will,” he exhaled resignedly, “and we might never see our kids again. Because of me.”
A chill screamed up Kayla’s back with these words. The depth of his guilt and his pain threatened to shatter her. And made her angry, too. “That is not true,” she said with a tone that Steve knew better than to argue with. “I don’t know how you can say that after the jump to 1982. I.am not.blameless! All those things that changed are things I changed all by myself, so that’s on me.”
The rock in his throat was getting harder for him to control. “You wouldn’t have gone to find me if it wasn’t for me making you feel so lonely.”
That was true. If she hadn’t felt the distance, she might have stayed put and waited for Steve to jump in. But then there was Chris. “Ok … yeah, you’re right I was lonely for you and it drove me to Chicago.” She watched for a reaction but got none. “But, Steve, I was not about to start a relationship with Chris. The minute I jumped into his bed half naked and on schedule for him to be my boyfriend the timeline was doomed, anyway.”
That got a reaction. “What do you mean half-naked?”
“Nothing but my panties.”
“That’s not half, that’s practically.” Steve worked his jaw and brayed a bit.
“Ok, and a robe,” she admitted. “Underwear and my robe. But I was half – practically – naked underneath it.” She cocked a half-smile at him, enjoying her ability to get him worked up, to which Steve sneered at her in return.
“Don’t do that, baby, it’s not very nice.”
“Wanna know a secret?”
“No,” he spat.
“Sometimes I like it when you’re jealous.”
Now Steve smiled wickedly at her, and it was as if their world wasn’t in mourning. “Yeah, well, keep talkin’ about Chris getting you naked, then.” Kayla laughed, but then he got serious again as he stroked his warm palms up and down her arms. “I was afraid I’d go crazy, Kayla, I felt it so many times after we lost her. But you were there. And I’m not crazy.”
Kayla laid her head on his chest and held him tightly. “Nothing is your fault,” she said. “We’re in this together.”
Steve nodded. “Ok.”
By the end of the night they weren’t sure if the arcs, assuming they were real, meant anything or not, but they did agree that Kayla disappearing from Salem for a week, preventing the deal in Chicago with Werner, and Steve nearly killing Ray were all going to add up to a very unstable slipstream. So they were ready for just about anything and hoped Rolf would be making an appearance to let them know where things were. Like, ideally, that he’d fixed it so they wouldn’t have to spend another 14 years jumping. But really, anything was better than wondering how much longer this was going to have to go on.
By the time they’d gotten in bed a cat who’d finally come out of her hidey hole had been fed, watered, and played with and was still going by the interim name of Kitty.
“You’re real creative, baby.”
“Are you trying to start something with me?”
“Nah.”
“Didn’t think so.”
The next day Steve was faced with the only clothing he had there ready to get up and walk away by themselves, and Kayla had cabin fever so bad that even Stephanie was feeling it. Her constant kicking was something to behold. When they weren’t playing scrabble or Monopoly – which made Kayla crazy because Steve refused to make trades – he was putting random items on Kayla’s belly to watch Stephanie kick them off. She came through every time, and Steve howled. It was nice to smile for a little while.
They were discussing their strategy for their next steps in this destination, because it was clear that they would be staying a while, it had already been three days. Kayla wanted to sneak back to the house with Kitty in tow and hide in the attic while Steve got the stupid key to Victor, but Steve thought it was risky because the house was under surveillane. He thought sneaking out to get what he needed and come back was the way to go, but Kayla knew in her gut that three days away from Salem meant that the moment he was sighted he’d never shake the tails, and they couldn’t stay there forever, anyway. Finally, she’d convinced him to leave that night in the wee hours and get back into the house through the broken window.
That’s when the tug pulled on Steve’s diaphragm with such force that the wind was knocked out of him as he fell to his knees. Kayla went to him quickly and could only kneel before him while he caught his breath. Interestingly, his only real thought was on his daughter in her mother’s belly; this tug was so strong on his diaphragm that he was worried about how it would affect the pregnancy. A pointless worry, as no baby would be birthed in this timeline.
“Real bad one,” Steve puffed out.
Kayla nodded. “See, I messed it all up, they’re only bad when it’s messed up.” She held his palm to her face and smiled.
Steve smiled back. “Nah, next stop Utopia, right?”
“Right!” The jump effect had now reached Kayla and she doubled over. The baby noticed and started tumbling around in there. She gulped for air, and Steve was helpless but to watch her struggle as his consciousness started to slip away.
Steve found every bit of strength he had left in this body. He lifted Kayla into his arms, and kissed her. He knew she was still there, because she kissed him back. He made very sure his lips were on hers when the last of him was pulled from the lighthouse. When Kayla felt him leave she didn’t open her eyes. She needed air, but she wasn’t going to be there to breathe it for more than a few seconds, so she kept kissing him back and holding on with one hand while her other laid protectively over her baby. The last thing she felt before she was gone, too, was Stephanie giving her a last kick goodbye.
When Steve opened his eyes, he proceeded to wish he hadn’t and threw up all over whomever was standing beside him. Unfortunately for him, it was absolutely the wrong person getting caught in that crossfire.