Kayla sat in the darkened living room of their big, beautiful mansion that they’d spent their own time fixing, painting, wallpapering, and decorating not once but twice. The only illumination was provided by the several lit candles set about the room, as the storm raging outside had knocked out the power to all of Salem about an hour after Jo and Caroline had left for their own homes. In the original timeline, Steve was stranded at Mickey Horton’s office working on an appeal for Kayla that would never come to pass while Sheila stayed overnight to further bond with the baby that wasn’t hers as Kayla languished on a prison cot. This time, Steve was at home with his wife, and Sheila was never getting near Stephanie ever again. Time was deeply impacted by this change, and Rolf saw it in the numbers that were being returned. Whether it was because they didn’t do as they were told, or because Time wasn’t reacting as it should was not clear, but Rolf was a smart man, and knew it was the former more than the latter. And he had had just about enough of Steve and Kayla Johnson threatening the integrity of his greatness. So, the next chance he had would be time for him to threaten the integrity of their continuing to breathe.
Kayla cradled Stephanie in her arms as she fed from the small bottle. The candles shed flickers of golden light upon them both. Kayla smiled warmly as Stephanie locked eyes with her. She felt such a connection to her. She wasn’t her rightful Stephanie, and this wasn’t her rightful timeline, but she couldn’t have possibly loved this little baby any more if she tried. Regardless of timeline, reset, or however long she’d been kept apart from her, this was her first-born daughter as much as the one waiting at home for her in 2009. And in no time at all, Kayla felt fully immersed here in March of 1990 with her 4-week-old baby and a husband that was clearly questioning what was going on in her head.
And he really was. Steve not only questioned, he desperately needed to know what she was thinking. Was she wondering if Stephanie remembered her? Did she resent Steve for causing her to miss her daughter’s entire first month of life? Was she jealous that Steve got to bond with her when she did not? Was she upset that another woman fooled him so she could take over Kayla’s role? He feared all of these things were going through Kayla’s head. But more than anything else, what scared him most was the one question that drove all of the others: Was Kayla going to truly forgive him for his abject dishonesty with her that caused it all?
Kayla knew that all this and more was chipping away at him. She thought of all the times that Steve was faced with a longer term other her and felt no less conflicted about it than she had when they came downstairs for dinner.
The rain crashed down upon the house causing a soft rumble throughout. Rather than disturb or distract, it lulled the three of them into a contented state. Kayla sat against the arm of the couch with her knees up; Stephanie was nestled gently and securely on top of her thighs. Steve sat across from them against the other arm and watched his wife enjoy their daughter.
“Oh!” Kayla suddenly smiled, “Are you smiling? Are you smiling for Mommy? She’s so sweet,” she looked up at Steve. “She’s got the sweetest little smile.”
“She started doin’ that last week. I didn’t know they smile so young, I thought it would be a while.”
“No, they’ve always been earlier smilers.”
“They?” Kayla shifted her eyes and blinked.
“Babies. A lot of them smile really young.” She hoped the cover would do. It appeared to, because Steve went on to tell her all the things that Stephanie was already doing, filling in every gap he imagined she might have. When she ate, when she slept, how often she pooped, and how he’d learned the hard way that mixing formulas was a no-no. She asked him why they shouldn’t give her two kinds of formulas; she already knew this answer, but she loved hearing him tell her of his path along first time parenthood.
“She was cryin’ overnight, I couldn’t get her calmed down. I wished you were here, I didn’t know what to do. Then she had a poop explosion. Came right outta the onesie all over me.”
“Ooooh golly.”
“Yeah, it was somethin’,” he chuckled. “Soon as she got it out she was happy as a clam. Got her in the bath at 3am, got her back down, got myself a date with all kinds of fun cleaning supplies.” Kayla giggled. “Right there,” he pointed behind them by the bookcase. “Speaking of which, time for her last bottle.”
“I’ll go!” she started to get up.
“No, you’re sittin’ there all nice with her, I don’t want you to put her down. I got it.” He got back with a warm bottle of formula very quickly and handed it to Kayla, who’d shifted Stephanie into a feeding position. “So, Sweetness,” he said, wrapping up the cautionary tale of why you don’t mix formulas, “I’m here to tell ya, we’re committed to Similac now.”
“Ok, Papa,” Kayla laughed good naturedly, “thanks for taking one for the team, I’ll put it on my shopping list.”
“Oh, it’s done, baby, we’ve got three cans of it now.” Kayla made an impressed expression. “Told you, I got it all taken care of. I’ve been fillin’ the house with everything since the day you went away, so that whenever you got back it would be here.”
“Oh, Steve. It’s perfect. Thank you for taking such good care of things. Of her.”
“I haven’t left her side, ya know.”
“I know. You didn’t have much of a choice.”
“No, I mean, I don’t leave her alone. I sleep when she sleeps, and I do it right here on the couch beside her, or sometimes I sleep on the rocking chair in her room. It’s not just that psycho woman. I’m so worried she’s gonna stop breathin’ that I check a lot. The other day, I … I woke her up just to make sure she was alive.” Kayla understood exactly why he did that. Because, she’d done the exact same thing to Emily. “I also don’t like sleepin’ in that bed without you, Sweetness. I do it, but it’s no good without you.” She reached her hand out to Steve; he took it and squeezed. “What you said. About Kelly. Sheila, I mean. What you told me about Sheila.” He paused, and Kayla saw that he was debating if he should say this or not. She gave him an encouraging look to just tell her, so he went on. “I didn’t think it was gonna go anywhere, Sweetness. I thought she’d just be confused when I let her go, and that would be it. I told her I was real sorry, but plans had changed, and that I’d pay her for the week, but her reaction was—it was bad. I knew right away you were right before I even told Roman, ‘cause she just didn’t wanna take no for an answer.”
Kayla frowned. She stuck her finger into Stephanie’s little palm as she fed, and the baby immediately engaged her grasp reflex. “Did she try to convince you not to let her go?”
“That would have been normal. No, she went into full-on panic mode. Turned on the water works, said Stephanie needed her. That she needed a mother.” Kayla snapped her head up from her daughter’s face and felt her heart constrict with that one. Stephanie started fussing, as if she sensed something amiss. “I got real mad, baby. Told her she had a mother and that you were comin’ home real soon. It was like she lost her mind. Insisted I told her I was giving up and I couldn’t just go and change my mind. I would never say that, she was out of touch with reality. She wouldn’t leave.” Kayla’s pulse increased with the stress this caused. “I told her just give me the baby, but she literally held on to her tighter and ran for the door. I almost lost it, Kayla.” Losing it was just about what Kayla was doing right now. Steve saw it and looked away, upset that he’d made the wrong choice in telling her.
“No,” she picked up on it, “just tell me. I need to know. Did you get her out?”
Steve shot her a look. “What do you think? That’s our baby, you think I was gonna let her get away with our baby?”
Well, it wouldn’t have been the first time Sheila got away with their baby.
“I got to the door in double time, and I literally pulled her out of the woman’s arms. She wouldn’t give her back, I had to take Stephanie from her. I didn’t wanna give her any money after that, but I didn’t want any reasons for her to come back, so I shoved a couple hundred bucks into her pocket, put her coat on her, and pushed her out the door. Told her I was calling the cops and that if she ever gets within a hundred feet of any of us I’d give Salem a real reason to put a Johnson in jail.”
Kayla’s mouth dropped open. Given the lengths the woman went to the first time around, none of this should’ve been surprising. But Kayla was a little shocked, anyway, and was very unsettled at just how right she’d been. “You didn’t tell me any of this when you came to visit.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t wanna worry you, there was nothin’ you could do about it in there. Please don’t be mad, baby.”
Now Kayla grinned at Steve. Because she did do something about it in there. And as a result, Steve did, too. The anxiety was real, but she was able to make a difference from behind bars, and Steve’s actions made her so proud. And also grateful. Before she could even say anything, Steve said, “You’re not mad? I mean, I’m glad you’re not mad. I don’t think?” Kayla shook her head and her eyes watered just a little. “Why aren’t you mad?”
“Because you believed me. I told you something insane, and you believed me. You did what I asked when I gave you nothing to go on, you just said, ok, and you did it. I know you wanted to make a different decision, but you listened to me. You believed me. Even though you didn’t understand it. And you saved Stephanie.”
Now Steve’s young face lit up with his own smile, and his broad shoulders squared with pride. Because he’d made his wife happy. But then his eye narrowed just a bit. “I’m not sure I believed you, but I believed that you believed it.”
Kayla shrugged. “I’ll take it.” The question of how she knew was splayed across Steve’s face, but Kayla put her gaze down to her daughter to avoid the discussion.
Stephanie fell asleep with the bottle in her mouth, and Kayla smiled at the memories of having mothered this little baby before. She’d only been able to watch her husband take care of Stephanie through the bars of the visitor room the last seven days, but now Kayla was able to hold her baby, feed her, change her, touch her. She put the bottle down and gently laid her daughter against her shoulder to burp her.
“That was a good one,” Steve said when Stephanie very quickly let the gas out of her belly.
“It sure was,” Kayla replied softly. “She likes the pressure against her tummy.”
The house still smelled faintly of the food their mothers had prepared for them. “Speaking of tummies, I don’t think I’m ever going to have room in mine to eat again,” Steve said.
Kayla chuckled. “Yeah, you weren’t kidding, they really went above and beyond. I thought it was just dinner, but there are like a week of meals in that fridge. They really love us.”
“Yeah, they do, Sweetness.”
Kayla laid Stephanie down in her bassinet so she could sleep properly, and they continued to talk in low voices as the candles flickered around them. They were still seated opposite each other on the couch. It was a very familiar position for her, but it wasn’t something they’d really done at this time, so it was new for Steve. He preferred to be closer to her, but before he could move, something very warm and furry jumped up onto Kayla’s lap.
Steve said, “Looks like Emily found her mama.” Kayla tensed as the cat began purring. “She has one loud motor for such a tiny kitty.”
“Yes,” she said awkwardly as she began petting the cat she hadn’t seen since she’d jumped away from LA in 2004. “I, um… I think I like the name Kitty a lot better. Let’s call her Kitty.”
Steve tilted his head in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I mean I can’t call her Emily. I-I-I just think Kitty fits her better.”
“But we’ve been callin’ her Emily for months, baby, she’ll be confused.”
“No she won’t. She’ll take right to it. I want to call her Kitty. Ok?” Kayla held the kitten under the front legs and kissed her fuzzy head. “Did you miss me?” she whispered to the little feline. Kitty responded with loud purrs and insistent bumps of her wet nose against Kayla’s face for continued nuzzling, which Kayla was happy to provide.
Steve nodded with a curiosity he was not yet ready to threaten the peace with by verbalizing and simply agreed. “Yeah, ok, Sweetness, Kitty it is.” Then he smiled. “Too bad she’s not a boy, ‘cause if we’re gonna change her name, I think she’d like the name Clyde.”
Clyde?! A thrill blazed up Kayla’s spine at what she just knew had to be a reference to when they found another cat in that very same lighthouse after Steve’s rescue from Stefano’s compound. Kayla put the cat down and scooted all the way to Steve on his side of the couch. She took him by his hands and squeezed. “Steve! Do you remember Stockholm?!” Did she miss his arrival? Her smile was so hopeful, so eager, and so full of relief.
Steve squeezed her hands back and smiled slightly. “Of course, I do, Sweetness. How could I forget?”
“What? You …” Kayla ran a hand down Steve’s left cheek, willing him to be in there. “But…” Kayla’s smile fell. She searched his eye, looking for him. And she saw clearly that he was not there. “… I thought … Clyde … Nevermind.”
“No, baby, what were you going to say?”
“Nothing,” she forced a smile. “Really, I was just remembering something.”
The look on Steve’s face broke her heart just a little. Because she could see that this was a rollercoaster for him. He was worried about them, he sensed that something was off with her, and now this question he didn’t know the answer to made it a lot worse. She had to be more careful with that question and couldn’t ask it again unless she was sure.
Steve wanted to push her. He wanted to know why she was suddenly reminded of Stockholm. It made no sense. All he knew was one minute she was looking at him like he was the answer to all of her problems, and the next minute she’d locked herself away from him again. He didn’t know if he wasn’t doing enough or if he was doing too much. He didn’t understand the look in her eyes that he didn’t always recognize. Maybe something happened in prison. He asked her as much, and she assured him that she was very fortunate and ran into pretty much zero problems. He asked after her ear from the day she jumped in, but she allayed those concerns, too. So, he was left with a big question mark that was just going to have to keep eating at him.
After a long discussion of what to do about sleeping through the night, they decided to put Stephanie down in her actual crib in her actual room and to rely on the baby monitor for anything she might need. Neither of them were that confident about it, and they basically had to convince each other; but, Kayla was satisfied that the house was secure, Steve was satisfied that Stephanie would keep breathing when he wasn’t looking, so that’s what they did. It was also Kayla’s first night home, and Steve had missed her terribly. And him being her whole Steve or not, she loved him with all her heart. She needed him even if all of him wasn’t there. She wanted him beside her in bed, and she wasn’t giving that up.
Steve showered while Kayla took really good stock of her clothing. She was really unhappy with it. “I think I should launch a loungewear company,” she said to her Steve as if he was standing there. “Seriously, how did people manage before leggings? Weren’t they just in style, where did they go? Why didn’t I have any? Maybe that’s another year or so away.”
That’ll change the world, Sweetness, Kayla imagined her Steve replying to her. Set any clothing trend you want. You were always a fashion plate.
“You think so, huh?”
Yeah, I do. What do they call that stuff now?
“Athleisure.”
Yeah, there ya go, baby, athleisure. We’ll give it to the world first, really give Rolf something to be mad about.
“Hmmp. I’d give anything for a pair of yoga pants.”
“What are yoga pants?” Steve had come out in just a towel wrapped around his waist. His wet hair was slicked back, and his chest glistened where he hadn’t toweled off completely. Kayla unconsciously licked her lips, and Steve reacted. He turned away a bit so as not to look like he had just one thing on his mind when Kayla wasn’t ready for anything yet – and he was quite sure that applied to more than just physically.
“Ah … they’re basically leggings. I just kind of wish I had more comfortable clothes.”
“I love your clothes, baby, there’s nothin’ that doesn’t look good on you.” Kayla never ceased to be amazed at how her Steves always made her feel beautiful. He took the towel and dried off the rest of himself as he went for a pair of pajama pants in the dresser. Kayla gave him room and went to the foot of the bed where she took off her robe and laid it down. She saw him eye her appreciatively as she basically did the same with his backside and grinned.
Steve turned back to her, and the vision of her body in his sweats and her unsupported breasts in his tank top was very different from any look he’d seen on her. He liked it. He also liked how content she seemed to feel in it.
It was then when Kayla got into bed for the first time that she finally felt the loss of Emily that she’d feared. She was here. Right here. It was the very last place she’d seen her daughter, held her, told her she loved her, and heard her little voice. Baby Mommy’s tummy. She’d said it over and over and could not be consoled. There was a time Kayla could not be consoled, either – when she’d jumped right from here to a deluged, terrifying storm drain in Stockholm. Kayla’s eyes stung with the memory, but she somehow prevented them from spilling over her lashes. Instead, she pushed the heartbreak of the loss of her daughter down as far as she could by moving on to something she really did need to think about – the other times she’d had to interact with a Steve that knew her. She ran each of them through her head; what she’d said to him, who Steve was to her on those jumps, and how she’d interacted with him. None of them where he knew her lasted any real length of time, and certainly not a whole week. No, this was a truly new situation for Kayla. Part of her felt lucky that she had the benefit of a Steve that actually knew her and loved her, because she didn’t know if she could get through another Chicago 1982 effort right now. And it did not escape her that this was a benefit that Steve didn’t have in Cleveland. But part of her also felt like any significant memories she made with him would be the betrayal they’d talked about off and on for years now.
Kayla didn’t notice Steve noticing her staring off as she pondered all this. She didn’t notice him studying her face as she analyzed each of the four or five jumps she called up for some kind of guidance. She didn’t realize that Steve was watching her momentary detachment. It was as if she was existing in a whole other world. But he did notice.
When Kayla pulled herself out of this contemplation, Steve had gone back into the bathroom to finish up. You have to get past Emily, Kayla insisted to herself. This is your bed. So be here. Kayla let herself pull the sheet and comforter all the way up to her chin and rather than sadness, she was surprised to feel contentment. She smiled as she looked around from this vantage point. The entire room was just beautiful. The roses were in her direct line of sight, and the colors all around her just spoke something comforting to her. The smell of the comforter evoked a very strong sense of peace. It smelled like home. She pulled it up to her nose, breathed in the scent, and closed her eyes in pleasure.
I’m home, Steve. I wish you were home with me. And she again wondered when she’d have which Steve and for how long. When she felt something velvety against her face, she opened her eyes. Steve had taken one of the roses and stroked it affectionately down her cheek. She smiled as she took it from him and added its scent to her comforts.
“You think of everything you know that?” she asked.
Steve sat beside her on the edge of the bed. “I wish I knew what you were thinking right now.”
Kayla could feel how badly her husband needed her. How badly he needed her reassurance. He could tell something was off, and she had to stop contributing to the doubts he already had. She sat up, took his hand in hers, and leaned her cheek into his palm. “What I’m thinking is how much I missed home. How much I missed you. How much I love you.” She didn’t think this fixed him, but she watched Steve mentally let it go and was satisfied for the moment. She enjoyed his quick kiss before he got up and walked to the other side of the bed, then she thrilled slightly as he slipped in next to her.
“Miss this lumpy, old mattress, did ya?” he asked good-naturedly as he settled himself under the covers.
“More than I ever could have guessed,” she smiled as she sniffed the rose again.
“There are a lot of things I missed, Sweetness,” he said. Some of ‘em we’re gonna have when you’re body’s ready.” Steve placed a not-so-subtle kiss on Kayla’s neck like a promise. “All the rest of ‘em we’re gonna have right here tonight. Like this.” He held Kayla by the back of her head and brought her lips to his. His kiss was deep and meaningful. “I didn’t have a single night’s real sleep the entire time you were gone. Knowing you were in there all alone, and I couldn’t help you. Now I’m gonna sleep, and we’re gonna wake up here tomorrow morning. Together.” Kayla took his hand and kissed his knuckle. She hoped she really did wake up there in the morning. “I missed making love to you. But there’s nothing I missed more than this.” He turned to his nightstand and took a ring box from the drawer. “Kayla, when you went to prison, you told me to save this for you until you got home.”
Kayla instinctively put out her hand and longed to hear the words “I do” from her Steve. But that was a wish that would not be fulfilled tonight. He took the ring out of the box but didn’t push it onto her finger yet. His next words were difficult for him.
“I know we’re not officially married and that it bothers you. And that it’s my fault. But I don’t want you to worry, ‘cause I’m gonna take care of that. Real soon. If …” He trailed off and looked down.
Kayla tipped his chin back up to look at her. “If?”
Steve exhaled heavily. “When I got you back from Kiriakis, you said we could start over. But that was—before—” He didn’t want to say her name, especially in their bed. “—what happened. Before they arrested you. As far as I’m concerned, we’ve been married all along and always will be. You’re my wife, Kayla. The only wife I’ve ever felt. Please tell me you still want that. That we can still start over. Please, Sweetness,” he whispered.
“Please put that ring on my finger. Because you’re my husband, and I love you, Mr. Johnson.”
Steve let out a breath and smiled as his eye watered at the meaning of those words. “Welcome home, Mrs. Johnson.” Then he returned Kayla’s ring to where it belonged.
She felt such an outpouring of emotion as she re-experienced this moment that lived quite indelibly in her memory. She wanted his affection so much, and in this moment didn’t care which Steve he was. They felt the deep love they had for each other in long, sweet, loving kisses before he brought her in to nestle closely against him. Spooned together in what was always their very favorite position, Steve held his wife’s hand out in front of them to admire the ring sparkling in the low candlelight. “It wasn’t just the day I put this on your finger that we were married, Sweetness. It was before that in my heart. That day in the snow. You know that, right?”
Kayla nodded. “In my heart, too. Don’t you ever doubt that. What I feel in my heart, Steve. Never ever doubt that.” She felt that land with him as he held her a little tighter.
“Sweetness,” he kissed the side of her head. “I wanna give you the world, baby. I wanna give you and Stephanie the whole world. And I’m gonna do it. We can start with new clothes if you want.”
“No, that’s ok. I have everything I need.”
“No, really, I can see you’re wantin’ new stuff. After the baby, and all, I want you to have what you need. Let’s get you some tomorrow.”
Kayla shrugged and burrowed back into him slightly. “I’m not working right now, so we should probably watch our money.”
“Actually, I’ve been thinkin’ about that. I need to go get a job.”
Kayla backtracked. “It’s not like I won’t be going back eventually.”
“Sweetness, we have a baby now. I wanna make you proud of me.”
Now Kayla turned back on her side again and leaned up on her elbow. “Steve, I am proud of you.”
“I wanna do right by you,” Steve replied and matched her stance on his right elbow. “And by Stephanie. And by all the other kids we’re gonna have one day. I have to be able to provide for our family. I have to be a father she can rely on. And I have to be a better husband. I need to do something. I have to try again,” he said referencing the first series of jobs that never really worked out right after they got married the first time.
“Steve, you don’t have to try to fit yourself into a mold that smothers—”
“I need to do this, Sweetness,” he cut her off. “You can’t be the only one supporting us. A man doesn’t let his family go with less than he’s capable of providing. If you want to work, then you work. But either way, I’m getting a job and doing my part. I have to do this. I don’t wanna mess this up.”
This was just like the conversation she and Steve had in 1979. It was like Time really knew how to align all the versions of them when they needed to. “Ok,” she sighed a supportive smile. If this was something that would help Steve feel better about himself, then she wanted to encourage that. “But you do this to fulfill yourself. Because I never once felt like you weren’t doing enough for me. Or for our family.” She kissed him lovingly then added. “And, I know for a fact that you’re a reliable, amazing father. Because, you’re already the very best husband.” Steve reacted negatively to this – the opposite of what Kayla intended. Dammit, didn’t I just fix this? I thought he was ok now. “Steve,” she breathed tenderly as she brushed her hand down his arm, “you have to stop beating yourself up. You are the best husband.”
If she were this time’s proper Kayla, doing this for the first time, it would be one thing. But there was something in her presence that was not fooling Steve, and it was presenting to him in a way that fomented his guilt, rather than assuage it.
Rather than belabor this, Steve just wanted his wife to get a good night’s sleep in her own bed with him beside her and her baby in the next room. He wanted it for himself, too. So, he gave her a final goodnight kiss and insisted that she do just that – sleep. “Come on, baby,” he said, repositioning her back to her spooned position, “time for shuteye, we got a baby that’s gonna be cryin’ for her mama to feed her in a few hours.” Finally, the sleep did, indeed, come for her.
March 23, 1990
Dear Steve,
Guess where I am? I’m in our bed at the house. You’re laying next to me sleeping, and our beautiful baby girl is in the next room. I just fed her. Me! I just fed our baby in her rocking chair. You know why? Because I’m home! They dropped the charges today. It worked, it finally really worked, Roman found the tape in Victor’s attic just like last time! Poor Isabella crumbled, and John is pretty broken up about it, but it’s all falling into place, and she’s going to be ok again.
What a difference a day makes. Yesterday it felt like this wasn’t ever going to happen, but today they released me, and it’s just a whole new day! Every time we’ve been back here at the house it’s like a time warp. I haven’t felt quite like that with the loft or my folks house as much, maybe because we’re there a lot. Not sure. But here, whenever I see the house for the first time again, it just hits me like something precious. Like it’s maybe a privilege. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s not like our other apartments. It smells so good here. Like home. It’s not really home without you, but the other you is so beautiful. You’re beautiful, Steve. I’m trying to get you to see that.
But you did say something today that kind of dredged up stuff. I’ve been waiting all day to get this out, because it’s bothering me, and it’s actually bothering me even more that it’s bothering me at all. I’d never tell you this, because I don’t know how to say it in a way that would make you feel exactly the way I need you NOT to. But the other you can tell something isn’t right. You asked if it was Marina, and I told you no. But you pushed, and I kind of realized that part of me is upset about her. I know we’ve talked about this so many times since the jumps started, and I wish we didn’t. I’m so sick of thinking about Ava and Marina. But I realized today that she still upsets me. Not all the time, not even a little bit of the time. But – sometimes. Being in prison and experiencing it all over again because of her, and right after what Ava did, it brought it back up to the surface. You say it’s your fault. You say it a lot. I tell you it’s not true. But it is. It’s not like what Ava did to me or what Jack did to me because those were choices they made. But what happened with Marina happened because you weren’t honest with me. We’ll never really be able to fix that. So, I’m feeling that. But it doesn’t mean I don’t forgive you or hold this over you. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you more than anything in this world. Because I do. I think I’m so affected by what Ava did to me, and I’m just depressed in general, and I’m having a hard time without you. And now that I’m here experiencing prison and fallout from Marina all over again, I think that’s why it’s bothering me so much. I just have to work through it, and I have to help you work through it, too. Because you’re breaking my heart.
It’s almost 3:30 in the morning. I’m so grateful to get to wake up in the middle of the night and feed her. I don’t know how many times she wakes up in the night, by the time I got home last time she was sleeping through the night. I guess I’m about to find out! I’m looking forward to giving you the break now that I’m home. Where are you? Please come home to me.
Love, Kayla
A week passed. Kayla waited every day for Steve to arrive into himself, and every day she went to bed with the man who belonged here and not the one who didn’t. Every day Kayla hid her struggle to be who she was then, and every day Steve noticed it and blamed himself. Every day Kayla found absolute joy taking care of Stephanie, and every day, Stephanie grew in ways that Kayla missed the first time around. Every day, Kayla wrote in her diary, and every day it gave her catharsis from the depression that threatened to settle around her if she gave it the chance.
Kayla fought a real confluence of emotions battling for dominance in her head. She was undeniably still suffering from Ava’s assault upon her. She was depressed from the long line of emotional fallout of endless jumping and possibilities of being stuck here forever. She was utterly joyous every single moment of mothering Stephanie. She was in a constant battle to keep appearances up for Steve so that he didn’t interpret her affect with guilt and self-hatred. She took comfort in how much love and affection Steve gave her. And she was terrified that her primary Steve was going to be missing long-term. It was emotionally exhausting.
Now that she was home and getting back to this timeline’s normal, she fought the negativity with the mundane existence of grocery shopping, house cleaning, and laundry. And she very much enjoyed that domesticity; it went a long way to bringing her real happiness here.
What she did not enjoy, however, was talking to other people, because the struggle to remember what was happening with them was weirdly harder now, not easier. And this was a big task, because the entire family had descended upon them in the past week. During this time, she learned that Kimberly was in the middle of hiding her pregnancy with Jeannie from Shane, Shane was watching his wife lie to him day in and day out, Jack was in the middle of an identity crisis, Justin and Adrienne were in the midst of a reunion, and Bo and Hope were about to arrive back in Salem. Despite her preference to just ignore all of this, being here and present in her destination body’s existence didn’t give her that option. So she handled each conversation one at a time as best she could, trying to guide where each one should go to the antithesis of the original timeline as they’d planned.
On April 1st Kayla came home from a grocery run to Abe and Steve finishing up a conversation in the foyer.
“Oh, hi, Kayla,” Abe said as he zipped up his jacket, “I’m just on my way out. Had something to talk to Steve about.” And just like that, Kayla knew exactly why he was there. She got a troubled look on her face, which Abe was going to comment on, but Kayla abruptly dismissed him with as accelerated and neutral a goodbye as she could muster before closing the door on him and turning back to Steve.
“Kayla, what the hell was that?” Steve asked, surprised at her uncharacteristic rudeness.
“No,” she said with a desperation she couldn’t keep from her voice. “NO.”
“No?” he asked. “No what?”
“No police academy. You cannot be a police officer. No working for the ISA, no working for the Salem PD.”
Steve’s eye widened as he dropped his chin at her. “How the hell do you know? Did Roman call you or something?”
“Steve, you can’t do this,” she replied without acknowledging the question. “it’s—not—you won’t—we can’t—I can’t do it!”
“Baby, what’s wrong?” He was truly perplexed at her reaction.
“There are a hundred other things you can do, you don’t have to keep saving the world!”
“Save the world? Kayla, what are you talking about? I’m not trying to save the world, I just want—”
“I SAID NO!” she screamed, and Steve was totally taken aback as she ran past him and up the stairs to their room.
“Kayla!” he called after her following on her heels right into their room. “Lower your voice, you’re gonna wake Steph from her nap,” he said softly but with the full concern he felt.
“You want to breed a light sleeper, keep whispering!” she fairly shouted.
Steve curled his lip and put his hands on his hips. “What the hell is wrong with you, Kayla? What did Roman say to you?”
“No one said anything to me, I just—I don’t want you to be a cop. I don’t want you to be a spy. I just want you home and safe.”
He went to her and put his hands on her shoulders, but she shimmied out of his grasp. He swayed a back and forth a bit on his feet in response to her refusal of his touch. “You’re still mad at me,” he said.
“Steve,” she whined, so tired of this line of discussion.
“You’re trying to control what happens in our lives now. You don’t trust me.”
“What? That’s not true at all.”
“No?” he threw at her with frustration.
“No, it’s not.”
“I think it is, baby. I don’t know how to make you believe in me again.” Now he sounded defeated. He sat down on the end of the bed and leaned on straight arms, clearly affected by this entire thing.
Now Kayla came a bit more to her senses and realized she’d put his guilt just about back to square one. “Dammit,” she said out loud as she rubbed at her temples. She tried to meet his eye, but he was avoiding her gaze. So she knelt before him and rubbed her hands up and down over his thighs. “Steve, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I’ve been acting a little crazy. I shouldn’t have flown off the handle.”
Now he looked at her. “Ya know, that kind of thing’s more my job, right?”
Kayla chuckled. “Yeah, well, you’re rubbing off on me. I don’t know how to explain it all to you, but I’m—begging you—please don’t take this job. I’m afraid. I’m so afraid of losing you.” And for the first time since she’d walked through that door from the prison she cried. Not with happiness but with fear of what she knew a Salem PD job would lead to. “I do trust you, it’s not that I don’t trust you or am still mad at you. I’m just plain scared. That’s it. Please, Steve? You just trust me? And say no?”
Steve stood them up and said something so many versions of him had said before. “Sweetness, you don’t ever beg me for anything. Never.”
“So … you won’t take it, then?” She was still crying.
Every version of Steve hated to see her cry. He wiped her tears with his thumbs and nodded. “I won’t take it.”
“Really?” He nodded, and Kayla cried harder. “You really won’t take it? You promise?”
“Yeah, I promise.”
Kayla threw her arms around his neck and continued to sob. It was like the weight of her world was finally manifesting in this moment. She stood on her tiptoes and clutched on to him. She felt how concerned and confused Steve was just in the way his arms held her back.
“Kayla, why are you still crying? You want me to say no, right? I’m gonna say no. Please don’t cry, you’re killing me.”
That was the wrong thing to say. Because taking the job would actually be killing him as far as anyone would know. And now her sobs were uncontrollable. “Just hold me,” she managed through her tears. Steve was at a complete loss. So, he did what she asked and just held her as she sobbed. “Thank you for believing me! Thank you for listening and believing me.” It took some time, but her cries finally ebbed to sniffles.
“You’re not gonna tell me what that was all about, are you?” he asked as he continued to hold her.
“Hormones?” she tried. Steve exhaled and nodded, but Kayla could tell that he didn’t buy it.
“Did you get it all out?” She nodded then burrowed her head heavily against his chest as she fisted his shirt. “I’m not gonna take the job. Ok, baby? I’m not.”
“Ok.” She shuddered a breath. “Thank you.”
Just then Stephanie started to wake from her nap. “I’ll go,” Steve said. “Been missin’ some papa time.” He pulled out of their embrace and held her out from him by her shoulders. “You gonna be ok here?” Kayla nodded, and Steve went to find some solace with his daughter from whatever the hell that just was. Kayla went downstairs to make dinner, Steve called Abe to decline the offer, and they didn’t discuss it for the rest of the night.
Kayla’s recovery from having Stephanie was almost exactly the same this time through, even though her surroundings were completely different. She stopped bleeding just before the six-week mark, and her body was feeling much more like itself. Two days later on April 3rd, Kayla went to see Neil Curtis for her six-week postpartum checkup. This was not something she’d had when she was in prison, so rather than feeling like her pregnancy with Stephanie, she felt far more like she was reliving her pregnancy with Emily. It made her sad, and Neil noticed.
“Kayla, is everything going ok at home?” he asked her after her exam. She was still in a gown on the exam table and instinctively hugged herself and rubbed the chill from her shoulders.
“Yes!” she said far too enthusiastically. “Everything’s great.”
“I think you’re being a little dishonest here,” Neil bobbed his head, the fluorescent lights catching the silver strands in his hair. “I’m not sure if it’s with me or with yourself, but one way or the other, I can tell that something’s not right with you. Care to try this again?”
“I-I-I-I don’t now what you mean,” she lied.
“Kayla. I’ve known you a long time. Physically, you’re perfect. I’m very pleased with your recovery, and you can resume anything you want to.” He smiled lightly with non-verbal confirmation that she could resume sexual activity. Then his smile became a supportive plea. “But you know that the baby blues are very common. Are you sure that maybe you don’t have a touch of that?”
Kayla dropped the mask that she usually worked hard to maintain. And the momentary relief actually felt good. She lowered her eyes to her lap and nodded. “I’m having a hard time,” she said. The complicated set of reasons for her hard time he didn’t need to know.
“I can prescribe some Paxil. I think it’ll help.”
“No.” Of this she was sure. She did not want to be medicated. “I don’t want meds.”
“Why not?” The truth was she wasn’t sure. If she were her own doctor, she’d have done the same, but she just didn’t want to jump to that. It probably wasn’t the wisest decision, but she was adamant. She said she wanted to try other ways first, and he relented. “Ok, then I want you on a regular exercise regimen. Get those endorphins going every day. And find other ways to cope. Do you have someone to talk to?” He meant a therapist.
“Yes, actually, I do. It’s helping already.” Because her diary was absolutely her therapist. Writing in it every night was definitely helping, and telling a real person what was really going on with her was not going to happen.
Neil was satisfied but insisted he see her again at three months. This was unusual, but Kayla understood. He left the room to let her dress, and then both she and Steve met him in his office for a wrap-up. The conversation quickly moved from her health, however, to her intentions to get back to work.
“So, you know, the Emergency Center is missing its head nurse. I sure would like to see you back there. Did you have any plans to come back?”
Kayla looked to Steve, who was bouncing a nodding off Stephanie back and forth behind his wife. She was really conflicted about this. On the one hand, she needed something to do with her days besides worry about both of her Steves. On the other, she felt a real need to just be Stephanie’s mother full time. It’s something she’d never done. She’d always gone back to work, and when Emily came along, it was Steve that was the stay-at-home parent. “I would like to come back … soon …”
“That’s terrific,” Neil said with a wide smile. “In fact, it’s just what the doctor ordered, if you know what I mean. Would next Monday be too soon?”
An instant epiphany settled upon Kayla. She wasn’t sure where it was coming from, but she suddenly knew with absolute certainty where this timeline was going to go. It came to her out of nowhere, but she was so sure of it, that the words started pouring out of her.
“Ah, actually … I was thinking … you need someone to manage the Emergency Center, right? Most of my job is administrative. And you know who would be great at that is Steve.”
Steve froze mid-bounce, and Neil cocked his head. “Me/Steve?” the two men said in unison.
“Yes.”
“Say what?”
“Steve, did you go and get yourself an RN when I wasn’t looking?” Neil asked.
“Neil, the only RN I have is the one sitting right here. Baby, you’re the nurse in the family,” he said to her.
“Yes, but you don’t need to be a nurse. I mean—I—I want to stay home with Stephanie for awhile. I don’t think I was completely sure until just now, but that’s what I want. I do want to go back to work. Eventually. Maybe even soon. But I’m not going to be ready for a while.” And she was more sure of that with every second of this conversation that ticked by. “And I can’t think of anyone better for the job of managing the Emergency Center than you.” Then she turned back to Neil. “You can bring on another nurse, but have you seen how Steve is there? All the work he can do?” Somewhere in her head she knew the answer to this was no, because it was any number of other Neils that witnessed Steve really put to work at the Emergency Center; this Neil only saw a few instances of Steve loitering and being a general bother. She realized this but just plowed on. “Steve has helped me so many times.”
“I have?”
“Yes, you have,” she said. She stood up and took Stephanie from her husband, then guided him to sit down in the chair she’d just vacated. “Neil, Steve did so much work at the Community Center, there’s no reason he can’t take those skills and manage the Emergency Center. I’m telling you, he’s your new Emergency Center administrator. Intake, management, and release are hard to do when you’re also trying to care for the patient, it’s really two roles, not one. The people love him. They really do, and no one knows how to connect with folks on the riverfront better than him.”
“Kayla—” Steve began.
“Steve, you said you want a job, this is the job for you. You’d be working with Marcus. No better team than you two.”
Neil leaned back against his chair and rubbed at his chin. Kayla broke into a broad smile watching them both consider it.
“Steve, is this something you want?” Neil asked. Steve laid a bit of a glare on his wife, and Kayla’s smile faded as she realized she’d just put him on the spot without so much as a warning. “You know what,” Neil said picking up on this, “I think I have some rounds coming up here. Why don’t I go attend to those and give you two a chance to talk.”
The doctor left, and Kayla sat herself in the chair next to her husband. She gave him a crooked smile and shrugged a shoulder. “Sorry,” she offered sheepishly.
Steve crossed his arms. “I can find my own job, Kayla.”
“I know you can.”
“Oh yeah? Then what was that?”
Kayla shrugged as Stephanie started to fall asleep in her arms. “Honestly, I didn’t plan it, the idea just kind of came to me.” He looked up and away from her. “You’re mad at me,” she said contritely.
“No,” he lied.
“It’s ok.”
“I’m not mad,” he repeated.
“Steve. It’s ok. You’re allowed to be mad at me.” Steve exhaled heavily. Kayla knew that if there was something he didn’t want, it was to give her a reason to have any issues with him. “I should have talked to you first. This was totally unfair to you. First I go ape shit at the police department offer, and now I’m pushing you to my old job.” Steve laughed. “What?” she prompted.
“’Ape shit?’” I’ve never heard you talk like that, baby. It’s funny.”
“I’m just full of surprises, I guess,” she smiled.
“Yeah, I guess,” he smiled back and stroked her cheek. “So, you really think I can do that job?”
Kayla sat up very straight, startling her daughter out of the slumber she was just on the cusp of and causing her to fuss. “Yes, I do,” she sing-songed. “We both do, don’t we Baby Girl?” Steve stuck his pinky into Stephanie’s little hand and smiled as she grabbed onto it. “If you’re sure about getting a job—”
“I’m sure about getting a job. It’s not that.”
“Then trust me when I say you’ve got this. You’ve already done it with the Community Center. This is even better, because I’ve seen how you are with people. You make them feel seen.”
“Seen?”
Kayla’s vernacular was getting away from her. “You give their self-esteem a boost. You make people feel like they belong. There’s paperwork, and that’s the borking part. But the rest of it has you written all over it. I can convince Neil to bring on more nursing staff, I know it.”
“You really think Neil will take me?”
“Ya know what, he didn’t say no before he left for rounds, did he? So, I think that bodes pretty well. And you know what else? There’s nothing you can’t do.” Kayla’s face split into the biggest smile Steve had seen from her since she’d come home from the prison. And there was nothing Steve wanted more than to see her continue to smile at him with pride like this.
“Ok.” It was a wary ok, not an excited one.
“Ok? As in yes? You’re sure?” Steve nodded. “I’m not making you, right? I don’t want you to just settle.”
“I’m not.” And, actually, he wasn’t. He was annoyed at first, but now that it was out there, he did actually think he wanted it. “I just don’t think Neil’s gonna be jazzed to have me instead of you. You’re the smart one.” Kayla felt that statement as if this were her Steve that said it. “But I also think that you know me better than I sometimes know myself, and if you say I can do it, then I believe you.”
“You can, baby. I promise you can.”
Steve smiled. He gently pulled his finger out of Stephanie’s sleepy hand and rubbed his thumb across Kayla’s plump, lower lip. “I love it when you call me baby.”
“That’s why I do it,” she said sweetly.
Steve replaced his thumb with his lips and kissed her sweetly. “What about the reason you’re actually here?” he asked her between continued kisses. “You ok?”
“I’m ok,” Kayla said.
“Completely,” another kiss, “ok?” then another.
Kayla nodded. She knew what he was asking, and much as she wanted what he wanted, she didn’t want to encourage him. “All healed up,” she said neutrally with a finger down his patch. Steve met that with a finger similarly down her breast. Kayla inhaled sharply and turned her head toward the door.
“Don’t worry, my hand’s not too far down into the cookie jar.”
“Far enough,” she admonished playfully before adjusting Stephanie strategically.
“Aw, you’re no fun, baby,” Steve teased.
When Neil came back, he saw that Steve and Kayla had clearly had the conversation they needed to. “I took it upon myself to talk to Dr. Horton, and he was as surprised at this idea as I was. But we did take a look at the budget. That role is for a nurse practitioner, you know that, Kayla. An FNP is more than an RN salary, and we’ll have to get creative if we’re going to make this fit. You know what that means, right?”
“It means you have to pay Steve less than you paid me.”
“That’s right. We can’t afford an FNP and a non-medical manager.”
“Told ya you were aiming too high, baby.”
“Hold on, Steve, I didn’t say no.”
Steve was stunned. “Say what?” he said again for the second time in this conversation.
“What I’m saying is that we make this the two roles like Kayla suggested, but the nurse job would be RN, and your job would be the Emergency Center Manager. It would pay less than what she was making. But it would be full time, all the same benefits.” Neil handed Steve a sheet with the breakdown, and Kayla knew just from the cursory look that they could live on it.
Steve looked up from the offer he held in his hands. “So, you’re saying … what are you saying?”
“Steve,” Neil chuckled, “I’m saying, we’re offering you a job. And if I were you, I’d take it. You’re lucky you have a bit of a guardian angel.”
“What do you mean?” Kayla asked.
“Alice was in Tom’s office when I went in there. She basically insisted we make it work. She said after saving her life from Simon Hopkins, we owed you. If it weren’t for her, I’m going to be honest with you, I think this would have gone the other way. Now, if you don’t mind, can I get a yes or no out of you? Because I have real rounds I’m late for now.”
The entire way home Kayla beamed. She hadn’t felt this happy since the San Francisco 49’ers lost a football game in 1984. Which wasn’t that long ago in real time, but depression compounded by time jumping made everything seem much farther away than it really was. Steve was delighted that his wife was so happy. And he was legitimately happy for himself, too. He didn’t get this job on his own merits, but he did get it, and Kayla had faith in him that he could do it. That was good enough for him, he was going to prove it, and it sure beat selling suits at Saxton’s or deveining shrimp at the fish market.
Kayla was flying high for the rest of the day. She floated on air with the knowledge that not only was Steve now out of the way of the bomb that would set him on a path of a 16-year separation, but this timeline was now so off the rails that she could practically feel the cracks in the atmosphere. She still had to protect her brother and anyone else who might get in that bomb’s way, but Steve, most importantly, was safe.
When Kayla got into bed after putting Stephanie down that night, Steve was sitting up in bed waiting for her. She put her long hair up in a ponytail, changed into one of the new nightshirts she’d bought herself earlier in the week, and turned around to see her husband staring at her like he was starving. She licked her lips nervously, because she knew she was going to have to say no to him, but he was so sexy sitting there wanting her so bad that she really didn’t want to. Despite where this was going to go, Kayla smiled as she got under the covers beside him. It was the first time he’d been naked with her since Stephanie was born, and he wasted no time expressing how he felt about that. “I missed you, Sweetness,” he said as he kissed her neck. Kayla let out soft sighs as his wet lips left a trail of pleasure that connected on a fast track to her center. “I want you so bad.” He palmed his wife’s breast over the cotton fabric and gently squeezed. “I wanna make love to you. Make you feel good, baby.”
Kayla blinked heavily. The sensations did, indeed, feel good. Steve attacked her mouth, kissing her passionately and moaning into her as she passionately kissed him back. Because, Kayla wanted him as much as he wanted her. But she was missing an important part of him and couldn’t follow through without it. But she also loved kissing him. She loved feeling his hands on her. And she wanted to be made love to.
Steve moved Kayla’s hand onto his thick length. “Touch me, baby. I need to feel you touch me.”
Kayla felt herself step across a line in the sand, and Steve felt that hesitation. He pulled away from her and exhaled in sexual need. “Kayla?” His eye bored a hole right through to her soul. “What’s wrong? You said Neil cleared you, right?”
“He, ah—he did. I just …”
Kayla looked away from him, but Steve moved her face back to look him in the eye. For a moment, neither of them said anything. Then Steve pulled away with disappointment and swallowed nervously. “You’re not ready.”
Kayla shook her head. “I don’t think I am, no.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, sitting up and away from her against the headboard. “I should have asked.”
“No, it’s ok. I liked what you were doing,” she grinned. “I just can’t yet.”
“Are you still bleeding? ‘Cause … if it’s that—”
“No, I’m done. I just need a little while longer.”
Kayla could see Steve’s disappointment, but even more than that, she could see his rejection. “I miss touching you, Sweetness,” Steve whispered. “I miss feeling you touch me. You still want me, don’t you?”
“Oh, Steve. Of course, I want you.”
“Something’s not right. I can feel it, something is different. You say you’re not mad.”
“Steven Earl Johnson,” she said with a tenderness that affixed itself right onto his soul, “I love you.” She moved her hand back to his erection and stroked. “Does this feel like I’m mad?”
But to Steve her touch felt tentative, so he stopped her, staying her motions with his own hand. “I don’t just want sex. I want you.”
“I love you, Steve,” she crossed her arms across herself in genuine, added emphasis, “and I want you. I’m just not able to do this right now.”
Steve was not satisfied that there was honesty happening between them, but he believed her when she said she wanted him. “Then I’ll wait, Kayla.”
She kissed her husband’s cheek and slipped down to lie close, holding him tightly across the chest. “Thank you,” she said, kissing his beefy pec, “for not pushing me.”
Steve took her hand and brought her fingertips up to his lips. Then said so softly it was like a secret he wasn’t supposed to say out loud, “I’ll wait forever.”
The sound of the word forever coming out of Steve’s mouth was too much for her to take. She burrowed tightly and squeezed her eyes shut against the sting.
April 4, 1990
Dear Steve,
It’s been almost three weeks. It feels like this is really long term. I’m starting to panic. I had to tell you no when you wanted to make love last night. Seeing the rejection on your face is horrible. You said back in LA that when you did the same that you were hurting me. That the other me didn’t understand why you wouldn’t make love to her. Me. You’re doing the same thing. You think I’m mad at you or I don’t want you or both. I was going to give you some release, I wanted you to come, because I can see how badly you want it, but you stopped me and said it wasn’t about the sex. And that just made me feel worse. It’s only a year after we jumped away from here, your body feels like home. I feel so much more like me. I bonded with that timeline, and being back here feels like the place I’m supposed to be. I know it’s not, I know we have to go to our real home. But this FEELS like before. Different baby, different year, but it just feels like this is the right place. But you’re not here with me, and I’m going out of my mind. I feel crazy. I feel like I can’t take one more day like this, and then the day passes and I have to figure out how to do it again. Taking care of Stephanie and writing to you like this is how I cope. You didn’t have any of that, though. How did you do this for two years? How did you do this in LA before I jumped in? How am I supposed to go on without you when the other you is right here and loves me so much? And I love him, too. He’s you. I love you. I love you so much I feel like I’m going to explode. God, Steve, I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do!
Kayla shoved her diary into the drawer with bitter frustration, letting the pen fall to the floor beside the bed. She didn’t care. There were only a few pages left, and that limitation added to her anxiety, making a mental note to buy a spiral notebook before she ran out of room on this legal pad. It was mid-morning, and Kayla heard Steve in the kitchen with the baby. The smell of breakfast reached her nose. She took a cleansing breath, mentally reset herself, and headed down the hall. Then she stopped in her tracks at the room just down the hall and kitty corner from their bedroom. It was Emily’s room, and the door was open. Here, that door was never open. Kayla had closed it that first night she was here; Steve had never re-opened it, so Kayla hadn’t yet had to make sure it stayed closed. Now he’d, apparently, gone in there for something, and the expanse of the large room was now like a wound that had reopened without warning. She felt that safe place inside of her rip open, the sting causing emotional pain so deep she couldn’t breathe.
Kayla stood in the doorway, tears silently streaming down her face as the grey walls became pale green before her eyes. The peeling paint gave way to the name Emily Gwendolyn stenciled in a whimsical, purple, cursive that Kayla drew by hand. She looked through the morning sun beaming through the floating dust particles to her daughter’s crib that wasn’t there. Winnie the Pooh and his Hundred Acre Wood friends were not hanging above the beautiful wood that matched the grain of the hardwood floor, but she saw them there, and she heard the tinkling tune of the mobile they gently swung from.
Ma-ma! Emily’s little voice sounded through the room to her mother standing in the doorway. Her giggle took up residence in Kayla’s soul, making her glow with every tear that giggle evoked. Ma-ma! The tot repeated, her green eyes set off so brightly by her strawberry curls as she sat up in her crib, looking through the slats to one of the two people that were her world.
“Emmy Girl,” Kayla whispered. Then she smiled at her daughter. “Good morning. Your mama’s missed you so much, you know that?”
Kayla wanted to walk into the room and go to her lost child, but before her feet could move, the image shifted. Emily was no longer in her crib. Now she was in Kayla’s arms. A different Kayla. A past Kayla. She looked upon that Kayla as an observer. She was in the rocking chair as Emily suckled at her breast, and she knew she’d done this before. She’d stood in this very spot gazing into this same dusty room of peeling paint, storage, and cobwebs yet somehow seeing this same scene before her. She watched as that happy, contented Kayla with their daughter in her arms looked across the room to her Steve sitting against the floor on the other side of the room. She watched him feel overwhelmed with life-defining reverence for the wife and daughter that belonged in this memory. She remembered experiencing this, feeling his love, knowing his devotion. It was one of the most beautiful moments she’d ever have, and she knew even as she recalled it that she’d be dying one day fulfilled by it.
What Kayla saw in that room was real to her. She knew it wasn’t there, but she couldn’t tear herself away. She could see it and smell it, and if she just didn’t move, maybe she could stay here. Maybe she could close her eyes and when she opened them she’d be sitting in that rocking chair with Emily in her arms and Steve sitting across from them with so much love that all he could do was let it tearfully burst from his soul.
“Emmy Girl …” She loved her daughter so much that the pain threatened to crush her. Steve called to her from his position just feet in front of her, but he sounded so far away. “Our beautiful girl …”
The Steve that had just come up the back stairs watched in unbridled distress as his wife stared into the empty room and wept. The sobs were so deep that he felt them like blows against his own soul.
“Emmy Girl …” she cried. Steve didn’t understand who she was talking to.
“Kayla? Baby?”
Steve took Kayla by the hand, but she didn’t react. It was like she didn’t know he was there.
Because she didn’t.
He looked into the room. Nothing was there but paint chips, layers of decades-old dust, and storage boxes they’d shoved into the room and forgotten about. “Sweetness?” he tried again, squeezing her hand.
“Our beautiful girl …”
A shiver ran through Steve, and every hair on his entire body stood on end. He was baffled as Kayla appeared to have left her consciousness and, instead, was somewhere inside that dusty room that existed only in her head. Steve didn’t understand what was going on. All he knew was that his wife was in trouble. Very, very serious trouble. And he was terrified.