“Am I losing you?”
Steve’s voice was the first thing she became aware of in this new location. Which wasn’t, actually, new at all, she was still in her parents’ house. But she had jumped, of that she was sure, so she was confused on top of devastated.
That pull gave you little warning. It was there, and then you were gone in seconds. No time to say goodbye. No time to go take a last look at anyone or anything. You had less than half a minute to choose your final words of the jump, who to give them to, and with whom you’d share your last glance. It’s not that she didn’t love her mother, but her father was dead in her time, and she wanted to tell him how much she loved him. She felt like she’d squandered her time and not told him that she’d loved him enough, but the truth was that she’d taken every opportunity. She’d spent the last four months savoring every moment with him and enjoying his presence. She’d even fished with him once and just been with him on the dark and quiet river. Down deep she knew she’d made the most of every moment with her father – and her mother, Bo, Kim, and Roman, too. The Golds. She’d talked to her best friend, Carrie several times. And Steve, none more than Steve. Yet at the moment of her jump she felt nothing but regret for the fact that she would not be able to say a proper goodbye. Whatever that was.
So, it crushed her heart when she’d felt the tug after all this time, knowing she was about to be ripped from this utopia of an existence with her husband and her family blended to a perfection she could never have imagined. They’d grown comfortable in their 1979 existence. Bonded with it. Invested in it. Kayla felt the loss heavily.
Because that vision of the room being pulled away from her and forcing itself into an unnatural angle before dissolving was positively unmistakable, she knew she was gone. She felt herself land and audibly gulped a lungful of air. She took that first look around and immediately doubled over as the dizziness threatened to black her out upon arrival. Even so, she could tell that she’d jumped to the other side of the room from where Steve had just been holding her on the floor. This was definitely the big space used as a dining room and living room for as long as she’d remembered, But this was not 1979. And she felt very, very different.
“Ste— oh God.” Her gorge rose, and the room spun.
The strong arm of her husband wrapped around Kayla’s shoulders as she bent over with the most severe nausea she’d ever experienced on these jumps. It may have been almost five months since the last time she did this, but she was absolutely sure that this was the worst case of the unpleasant side effect she’d ever experienced.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” she heard the Steve of this time say in a concerned voice. The smooth wool of her sweater rubbed against her skin as Steve’s arm steadied her, telling her it was not the same breezy summer she’d just left behind.
Kayla held on to his arm as she moaned. “Baby, I’ve got you. Are you sick?” All she could do was shut her eyes, nod, and lean her face against the cold leather of Steve’s jacket. She felt him react when she did. He held her a little tighter and kissed the side of her head. “Oh, baby. Why didn’t you say anything back at the hospital?”
The hospital? She tried to narrow down when this might be as the room finally started to right itself a little. She took a glance down at herself and saw she was wearing a dark green sweater tunic and matching draped cardigan and flowing skirt. The outfit wasn’t familiar to her. Steve’s voice was also a shock; it was grittier, had more rasp to it than the 24-year-old voice she’d grown used to. That young man was gone … and she was a little abashed at how she felt about that.
Very suddenly her head cleared, and the room steadied when she opened her eyes. She stood up straight, and saw the updated walls of the house she’d just left moments ago. She was at least ten years later; it couldn’t have been too much more or Steve wouldn’t have been standing there, still holding on to her from behind.
“Baby? You ok now?”
She hadn’t actually seen Steve yet. When she whirled around, her heart sank. This was not the sight she’d expected. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she tried hard not to react and upset him. She couldn’t mask the look on her face completely, however, and it was clearly setting off red flags for him.
“What just happened there, Kayla?” he said with a kind of guarded concern. Do you need to sit down?” She tried and failed to find her voice, as she needed all her concentration not to cry. The look in his eye was desperate as he held a small bouquet of yellow roses in his hands. He clutched on to them so fiercely he was actually crushing them. “Why won’t you talk to me?”
It was because the vision of the massive bandage over her husband’s left eye where just moments ago there was nothing but a healthy and sighted green eye made her hurt for him. For what he’d soon be jumping into. And for what he’d suffered back in 1989.
Now she knew when she was. She didn’t have to put her hand on the small bump that was hiding beneath that flowing outfit, she knew it was there. And Steve was looking at her with pain and desperation pulling at the eye he’d fixed on her.
“I’m ok. I just got dizzy.”
Steve rubbed at his forehead, the movement making his leather jacket squeak. “I did this, didn’t I, Sweeteness? The whole thing is too much stress.”
“No – well, yes, it’s a lot of stress – but it’s not what you think.”
Steve started shuffling back and forth nervously and took Kayla by the shoulders for just a moment before letting her go again. “Kayla,” he said desperately. “I told you about Marina, what happened when I was with her in that room, she had a dream, she was afraid, I was trying to help her …,”
“Steve, stop.”
“Ok, alright, I should have told you the whole thing, but so much time had gone by I didn’t know how to do it and not sound like I’d been keeping secrets. I didn’t want you to find out this way, that’s why I hid the license. But that’s all over now. You’re my wife, Kayla, you are! Now can’t you forgive me?”
Kayla didn’t really remember this with that much pain anymore, it was more like sorrow and regret. Steve had done a bad thing, keeping Marina from her, and Steve’s anxiety she was forced to relive right here was reminding her of that anew. But their love for each other had been too powerful to tear down their entire future, so they got through it. And in the end this whole time had haunted Steve far more than it had haunted her. Even now as Kayla looked him in the eye, she saw he was in the grip of that guilt. She wanted to go to him, calm him down, reassure him that they were going to be ok, but her emotions were a jumble, as most of her was still firmly planted in the previous jump.
She’d never felt so surreal. Only minutes ago she was kicking Steve under the table to get his attention. She still saw him looking at her in her mind’s eye. They were going to announce their engagement. She was going to take the summer session, graduate as quickly as she could. She had paperwork to finish at Manny Gold’s car lot. Steve was going to change the oil on the Dart tonight. But it wasn’t tonight. There was no 1979. Nevermind! she heard herself say in her head.
The way she was looking at Steve misguidedly fuelled him to continue pleading with her. “I was afraid,” he stammered, his hair falling messily over the white bandage that ran around his head. Kayla’s heart clenched. “I was afraid to tell you about her. Baby I don’t wanna hurt you I love you.”
“Stop, please,” Kayla eked out as she tried to focus. There’s no going back, Kayla, she forced herself to acknowledge as tears sprang to her eyes.
This Steve had no idea that the state she was in had nothing to do with Marina and everything to do with mourning 1979. You’re here now, you have to get hold of yourself! Kayla rubbed at her brow, swallowed down a cry, and took a deep breath. She glanced over Steve’s shoulder at the dining room table. He saw her gaze shift and turned to see whatever she was looking at. He couldn’t know she was picturing her family sitting here eating dinner on a random day in June.
Steve said we would jump, and he was right. “We’ve both been cheated,” Kayla whispered to herself.
“I didn’t cheat on you!” Steve screamed. The tortured look in his eye was not what Kayla meant to put there. “I didn’t do that, I would never do that, Kayla, never!”
“No, no – I – that’s not what I meant, I –”
“Don’t you know how much I love you? You can’t just shut me out!” Steve pleaded with a commanding tone that infused Kayla with a strange sort of purpose. Suddenly, a light clicked on.
But you did shut him out. You were pregnant with Stephanie. You are pregnant with Stephanie, she thought as her hand very consciously felt for her belly. You shut him out of the most important thing you could have ever told him. The most important thing you should have told him. The first time around Jack had beaten her to it because she couldn’t see through her hurt. What a terrible mistake that was. Even with Joey he had to hear it while barely conscious as she begged him to live after the plane crash. He never got to hear of their babies like a husband should. He did the wrong thing, yes, but this baby is his, and you cheated him out of that joy. Steve fixed it with the other me in Italy. Maybe now it’s my turn to fix this with the other you.
“Am I losin’ you?” Steve’s amped up voice brought her out of her head. “Are you leaving me, is that it? Is that why you’re holed up at your mama’s, huh? Why I haven’t been able to find you? Because you’re leavin’ me?”
Not this time. “No!” Steve was breathing hard as the panic came off of him. His grey shirt tails hung down past his hastily buttoned-up leather jacket, and he looked so utterly lost. “No, I’m not leaving you, Steve! I’m not!” Then she walked the three steps into his arms and held him tightly.
“Oh, baby,” Steve sighed heavily. “I’m not gonna let you give up on us. We love each other too much for that.”
Kayla smiled despite her sadness. Steve’s deep voice, fearful though it was, calmed her. “Does it feel like I’m giving up on us? When we have so much to go on for?”
“Kayla. Oh, baby, we do.” He held her close. “We have so much.”
“More than you know. And I’m going to do it right this time. Like you did in Italy.”
Steve pulled her away from him and held her firmly by her shoulders. “Nothing happened in Italy, Kayla. Nothing,” he insisted, his voice edgy.
Kayla reached her hand up to the bulging bandage covering his left eye. Just minutes ago, that eye was looking at her. Now it would never see again. Kayla shook her head as she brushed his hair out of his other eye. Then she slid her fingertips gingerly over the bandage. “I think plenty happened in Italy,” she said. “More than either of us bargained for.” Steve looked down with shame. Kayla tipped his chin back up. “You did the wrong thing, but that’s over.” Steve started to plead his case again, but she silenced him with a finger to his lips. “Let me finish. I did the wrong thing, too.”
“What?”
“But I’m going to make it right now. I forgive you, Steve. And I hope you’ll forgive me.”
Steve looked upon her with confusion in his eye. That eye was so weary. What a difference from the happy and contented young man that had been looking at her just minutes ago from across that table over this version of her husband’s tense shoulder.
Kayla kissed him, and just like always, Steve’s lips never changed. One eye, two eyes, younger, older, it didn’t matter, Steve’s kiss was always heartening. It truly focused her, and when she opened her eyes, Steve was smiling back at her.
“Thank you, Sweetness. Thank you for believing in us.”
“I’ll always believe in us. But I have to tell you something.” She took Steve’s hand in both of hers and squeezed. “This whole mess is going to pass us by. We can’t give our attention to it, because it doesn’t mean anything to us anymore. Not anymore.” Kayla kissed his knuckle. “There are more important things that deserve our precious time.” She placed Steve’s hand on her slightly protruding belly. “Precious things …”
Steve’s eye flickered. The grief Kayla had swallowed down was suddenly snuffed out by a warmth Steve ignited in her with the wondrous look in his eye.
“Sweetness?” he rasped as his gaze locked onto the bump he was now disbelievingly rubbing his tentative palm over. She heard Steve swallow nervously.
“Our love will get us through what’s happening right now, Steve. We are going to be happy. Together. Loving each other. And loving our baby.”
Steve’s head snapped back up at the last word. He was incredulous. His eye watered. “Wh-what are—what are you saying, baby?” Steve’s tone was so hopeful it washed pure joy though her. All she could do was smile and let her own eyes water. “Tell me,” he rasped. “My God, Sweetness, are you …?”
“Yes,” she said as the happiness poured bittersweetly down her cheeks. “I’m pregnant.”
Steve blew out the breath he’d been holding, unable to control the physical reaction to being told this life-changing news. That the woman he loved was carrying his child.
“You’re going to be a daddy, Steve. You’re going to be our little girl’s … and boy’s … papa.”
“There’s two?!” Steve coughed.
“Just one right now,” she chuckled. “But one day …”
Steve couldn’t speak. He gazed into his wife’s eyes, and slowly his shock gave way to a joy that was unmistakable. Steve looked back at Kayla’s draped middle. His bandage was so massive that it took nothing short of moving his head into position every time he changed vantage point, he couldn’t do it with simply moving his eye. His movements reminded her that this Steve had a very serious injury; it made Kayla sad, but she pushed it away.
“You’re having a baby, Sweetness?” Kayla nodded. “You’re having a baby. You’re having our little baby.”
“Yes I am,” she beamed.
Her husband’s eye was shiny, but the smile that spread across his face told her what she always knew this should have been. The best news he’d ever heard in his life. He let out a guffaw, and she laughed, too, with her own happiness.
Steve unzipped his jacket, gathered Kayla up in his arms, and just held her there tightly against him. “Kayla.” Steve’s voice broke on his wife’s name. She could feel how overwhelmed he was with emotion. “You’re having our baby. And you forgive me.”
Kayla nodded against Steve’s shoulder. “Can you forgive me?”
“My God, baby, for what?”
She didn’t want to say it. She’d just righted something that she’d done very wrong back in 1989. Something that she wasn’t proud of. No matter what Steve had done, there wasn’t a single moment that she didn’t know in her heart that Steve loved her. Yet out of rage and something truly unworthy of her – angry spite – she’d found one excuse after another to delay giving him this news. She hadn’t jumped early enough to fix it completely and tell him right away, but she had managed to stop him from hearing it from Jack instead. For that she was grateful. To have this chance to change this moment and give her husband this beautiful memory, even if he wouldn’t remember it once her Steve jumped in, was a blessing. But if she was going to do it, then she was going to do it right. And she was scared, too, because if the previous jump was any indication, she wouldn’t be seeing her husband for quite some time.
“Steve … I’m due in February.”
He froze. “February?”
Kayla nodded. “I’ve known for a while. Since before you went to Italy.” Steve’s smile fell as he stared at her. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered.
Several silent moments passed. Then Steve spoke with a forced calm that Kayla knew well. “You kept this from me? Let me go to Italy and leave you here like this?”
“I tried to tell you. But I didn’t try hard enough. I know that now.”
“When? When did you try to tell me?”
“Remember when you were about to take off, and I tried signaling the plane from the hanger?” Steve nodded. “I tried so hard to get through, but the static … and then Jack took me to Italy to tell you.”
“Jack?! Again with Jack! Why is it Jack’s been all over this? First he finds the license, then—” The calm was gone as he reacted to the name of the brother that in this time he wanted nothing to do with. Now Steve was really angry. “What the hell does he have to do with this?”
“Please calm down. He just wanted to help.”
“How many times do I have to say it?” Steve bellowed, “I don’t want his goddamned help!” Then it dawned on Steve. “You turned to Jack?”
“Oh God, not again.”
“That’s what you did that you want me to forgive you for, turning to him first? How could you? How could you turn to Jack before tellin’ me about our baby?”
Kayla had to put an end to this right now. She took his face in both of her palms and spoke very firmly. “Steven Earl Johnson, you listen to me right now. I didn’t turn to Jack. He guessed I was pregnant. Do you really think I’d tell him before I told you? Do you really think I’d tell anyone before I told you? You’re the love of my life, your our baby’s father, and I will love you until the end of time. I need you to forgive me because I let my anger about Marina stop me from telling you about the baby. I should have tried harder to tell you. I shouldn’t have run away from Italy when I saw you with Marina.”
“Kayla, nothing—”
“—happened,” Kayla cut him off, “I know! I know nothing happened. You made mistakes, I forgive you. But I made mistakes, too, that I’ll regret forever. But I’m trying to make up for them a little bit now. I’m sorry, Steve. For not doing everything I could to tell you right away.”
Realization was hitting him. “That’s why you changed your mind. Why you didn’t come with.” Kayla nodded. “Why … why didn’t you tell me then. Or before I left for the plane, Sweetness?” he asked with much more genuine calm. Then he kissed her, and Kayla could tell he was searching for something in her kiss, perhaps reassurance. “Why didn’t you tell me then, baby?”
“Because I had this warped reasoning that if you just got this key for her maybe she’d be gone. But if you knew I was pregnant you would never have gone.”
“Damned right I wouldn’t have gone!”
“And then neither would she! Have gone, I mean. From our lives! That’s why. I thought then we’d never get her off our back. But look what it cost you!”
“F*ck that glass eye, Kayla, it almost lost me you!”
“You don’t have to pretend with me, Steve. I know that having two eyes means more to you than you pretend. There’s no shame in that. This cost you dearly, and part of that is on me. For not putting a stop to all of this. Because it doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do for that woman, she’ll look for ways to be near you.”
“Not anymore she won’t. You don’t have to worry about her, baby, I promise.”
Kayla nodded. “I know,” she smiled. “She’s not going to just go away like that, but there’s nothing we can’t fix. Get past. If you’ll forgive me. For not telling you when I should have.”
Steve looked at her solemnly, then caressed her face.
“So you’re happy,” Kayla said with relief of her own.
“Happy? Oh, Sweetness.” Steve pulled her toward him into a deep and passionate kiss that transcended their rightful or any other timeline. Steve was Steve, and he loved her in every time. His kisses didn’t lie. “I love you, Sweetness. Thank you for this baby. Thank you so much.”
Steve walked Kayla to the couch where memories of (not) studying while they made out and messed around in 1979 lived in her head. He sat her down, then kneeled on the floor in front of her. He lifted up her tunic sweater, and Kayla saw his eyes widen at the first ever sight of her enlarged abdomen. He placed a soft, feather kiss on it.
“Hey Little Dude,” he whispered softly, as if it were sleeping in its mother’s arms.
“Might be a girl,” Kayla said ironically. Steve went on as he nodded.
“This is your Papa. I’ll bet it’s all soft and warm in there.” Kayla smiled. “But I can’t wait for you to come out—” He glanced up at Kayla and continued, still directing his comments at Stephanie. “—Not too soon, you gotta finish bakin’ in there.” She smiled and nodded, so he continued. “I love you,” he whispered, gazing at the perfectly rounded bump, admiring it like a beautiful piece of artwork. Then he laid his head down on her burgeoning belly and said it again. “I love you, Little Dude or Sweetness. And your mama, too. There’s nothin’ she did that I gotta forgive.”
Kayla stroked Steve’s hair. “Yes, I did.”
“Ok, then I forgive you,” he said softly. Then he climbed onto the couch next to her, palmed her belly with his right hand, and pulled her head against him to nuzzle into his neck. Which she did.
They sat that way in silence for a long time. Steve had taken off his jacket and was enjoying the feel of her belly beneath his palm. Finally, Steve broke the silence.
“Baby, you belong at home with me.”
“Yes, I do. Both of us do.”
Steve looked at her with a gravity she rarely saw in him. “You’ve really forgiven me, haven’t you?”
“Yes,” she said softly.
“God, I love you.”
As they kissed, Kayla felt that telltale feeling of a jumble of butterflies flitting about inside of her. Steve felt it, too, because he broke their kiss abruptly, his wide eye staring into hers for confirmation.”
“Is that what I think it just was, Sweetness?”
You never forget where you are when you feel your baby move inside of you for the first time. Kayla knew today was the day it had happened, and she’d hoped the timing was right so that he’d feel it. And when he did, her heart soared, for him and also for herself. But it also fell a little, because it was the destination Steve experiencing Stephanie’s first movements, and this memory, like the one of her 18-year-old self with Steve at the Cheatin’ Heart, would not live on in him once her Steve arrived.
“Yep, sure is,” she said with a smile she couldn’t help.
“The baby’s kickin’ you?”
Kayla nodded, then took his hand and placed it on the lower right side of her bump. “There. You feel it?”
Steve’s eyes were saucers as he nodded. “Baby, that’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever felt in my whole life.”
Kayla looked down at her husband’s hand on her. She stared at that connection intently, enjoying this moment too much to realize that Steve’s face had gone blank and that his body had become rigid. It wasn’t until he sucked in a breath, startling her out of her musing that she looked back up at him.
Already?! “Oh, thank God!” Kayla said with relief. Steve’s body was completely still; if only his stomach could say the same, the nausea was intense. The moment she’d realized he was jumping in she grabbed him and held tight. When it passed Steve looked up. He was immediately dizzy again. Only this was more than the jump, he just wasn’t sure what.
“Kayla?” he said softly. His voice sounded unfamiliar in his head.
“Right here,” she said palming his face to look her in the eye.
Steve’s vision wasn’t what he’d just left. Oh, but was it familiar. Well, there went that, he said to himself.
He looked around briefly at the fireplace, then over their shoulders behind the couch toward the dining room. Still here? Then he caught sight of Kayla in front of him and saw that she was now much older than age 19. Then he realized the location might have been the same, but 1979 was definitely gone. Sadness filled him. Along with an incredible sense of physical imbalance.
“Do you remember Stockholm?” he whispered. It was the first time he’d said it since he’d found a newly arrived Kayla whimpering by her bathroom mirror.
Kayla nodded. “And 1979, too.”
Steve tried to smile and reached up to caress her hair. “I don’t feel so hot.” He was grateful he was sitting.
“Dizzy still?”
“Like I can’t get my balance.” He let go of her hair and let his head fall backward onto the back of the couch.
“I got real sick on this one, too, but for a different reason. With you I think it’s your vision.” She said it with as much sensitivity as she could. “And this body’s been through hell.”
Steve’s hand shot up to his left eye where he found the bulging bandage. There weren’t many times in his life that he’d had one of these, and he knew they were in her parent’s house. Marina.
“Sh*t.” Steve exhaled with frustration as he reached for Kayla’s hand. “Oh, baby. Why her again? I’m not ready for this.”
“I wasn’t when I got here, either, but—“
Steve sat straight up. “How long have you been here without me? How many days?”
“About 40 minutes.”
Steve blinked. “Forty minutes? That’s it?”
Kayla nodded. “I don’t get it, either. I’m as shocked as you are, I was expecting to have the other you for a while.”
Steve smirked. “Disappointed?”
“Of course not.”
“Sorry. I’m upset.”
“I know. I was, too.”
“Was?”
“Am,” she corrected. “I want to go back, too. But … Steve, remember when you said you fixed it in Italy when you jumped there?” Steve nodded curiously. “Well … I just fixed something, too. It was so beautiful. Watching you. I can’t help but feel so good about it.”
Kayla went on to explain her arrival and quick realization that she could fix that mistake she’d made 20 years ago. Steve listened, but the jump effect either never really wore off, or this body was just in bad shape, because he felt lousy. He was happy, though, to hear how happy she’d made this time’s version of himself. Because he did feel cheated out of that moment that every man who wants a family wants to hear. But he was emotional about losing 1979, his body was weary, and his suddenly damaged vision was making him feel things he hadn’t felt in years – the dizzying need to readjust to his visual alignment. It was a little bit like when he arrived on the Alva Maerck; disorienting.
Kayla was worried about how long it was taking that disorientation to fade, and she put a hand on his forehead out of habit.
“I’m not sick, baby, it’s just taking me a while to adjust.” He didn’t have to elaborate, Kayla understood.
Just then Stephanie moved again. “Steve, she’s kicking again.” Kayla grabbed for Steve’s hand and put it on the same spot she had the first time, before he’d jumped in. “Feel that?”
Now Steve perked up. “That’s my Little Sweetness!” he said with a light in his eye. “Oh, baby, was she always strong like this?”
“What do you think?” she chuckled.
Steve rubbed Kayla’s belly and then shoved his head into the crook of Kayla’s neck, which was the exact opposite of what they were doing moments ago. “I think I don’t know what to think at the moment. I’m happy to feel my baby girl and you in my arms, but I hate that we jumped.”
Kayla felt the sorrow return. “Me, too.”
“Oh, hello, Steve,” Caroline said from where she’d just come out of the kitchen.
Steve lifted his head and looked behind them. “Mrs. Brady.” He said. She’d aged so much. He knew it had to be 1989. That was only ten years. It looked like a lot more on her.
“Little formal, aren’t you, Steve?” she said with some confusion. “I know things are rough right now, but you’re still my son-in-law.”
“Thank you,” he said. He didn’t have much else he could say.
Kayla didn’t want to turn around. She wanted to preserve the younger versions of her parents for a little bit longer. She half-turned, instead, catching her mother out of her peripheral vision. “Hi Mom. Ah … Steve and I are back together. I’m going to grab my stuff and go back to the house.”
“I think that’s a very good idea, dear. I’m very glad to hear that. I just came out here to check on you. Was that Jack I heard up here earlier?”
Steve and Kayla both stiffened. “It wasn’t, ah, important.”
“Alright,” she said a bit unconvinced. “Whatever you say, dear.” She turned to go, but then Steve called out to her before he even knew what he was doing.
“Mrs. Brady? I mean, Caroline?”
“Yes, Steve?” Kayla looked at Steve expectantly, not sure what he was about to say.
“Do you think I could have a bowl of chowder?”